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Practical Advice Worried and afraid

JMG

JMG

Pink Sponge Summer Queen 💖🧽🦉👑
#1
#1
Hey everyone, wasn’t sure where else to post this, but it’s basically about a few things so I’ll try to keep it all to the point and not ramble too much ;)

The “worried and afraid” thing refers to so many things I don’t know where to really begin, but some of the “biggest” ones are:

- Where we might be living next year (might have to move, it’s a bit “up in the air” right now, long story)
- Whether we’ll be able to stay living in our city (was fairly affordable for rents when we moved here almost 8 years ago, but much less affordable now.
- My mom, for various reasons. Basically - she has some bad and unhealthy habits, and I’m terrified that they will cause her health to deteriorate.
- Myself, the fact that I have no social life and never really have, where I’d be without my mom and 1 real life friend (who is 20 years older than me) because in terms of people “in person” they are all I have. The idea of living without either or both of them feels utterly unbearable and I don’t think I could survive such a level of infinite pain.
- All the homeless people in the world, along with people and beings living in any kind of “suffering”, wish I could give every last person what they need and help them all be the best and happiest they can be.
- My sis, for various reasons. Just hoping she’s happy, I suspect she might not be, if she isn’t I feel confused about why she wouldn’t talk to me about it, and afraid if I ask about it (I could, don’t feel fear about it even though it can be a hard thing to ask about) that she might not tell me the truth.
- That sometimes if I get too sucked into worrying about these things too much that it can take my mind to a dark place where I feel like I’d rather not have to keep dealing with all of it. Needing a serious break from my mind and don’t know how to get it really.

So I guess what I’m curious about based on those things I said I feel worried/afraid about is whether those seem like the thoughts of a “crazy person” or not. And also, if they don’t sound crazy “now” do you think there is a high chance that if a person lives with all those fears/worries for years that they could become crazy? I really don’t ever want to be crazy if I can help it, and hope that I’m not already “there”.

One more thing (omg sorry I guess this ended up being a bit long after all) that I feel afraid of but that I feel might be able to help me in those especially down/dark/negative moods is to call a crisis line. I have never done that before because of extreme fear of being judged (been judged pretty harshly in my life). For those who have called one before, how did you do it? Any advice on how I might be able to overcome my fear of calling one would be very appreciated, thank you so much to anyone who takes the time to read this, feedback would be deeply appreciated too of course :)
 
SillyOldBear

SillyOldBear

Teddy Bears Rule! 🐻
Staff Alumni
#3
#3
@JMG Wow, you do have a lot on your plate. Your thoughts do not seem like the thoughts of a crazy person. They seem like the thoughts of a 'normal' person with a lot on their plate. I suppose if you obsess about them constantly they could drive you nuts, but you are too smart to do that.
I share and understand many of your concerns. The cost of living is insane in this country. You could not find a small, one bedroom apartment where I live for under $2000 a month. No wonder there is a homeless problem. My heart breaks for them especially when the weather gets rough. I certainly hope you don't need to move.
Losing a parent is the most natural thing in the world. Problem is that doesn't make it any easier. Both of mine died in the '80's. The worst of the pain of their loss is over, but I will always miss them. My social life consists of my church family. Otherwise I would have none.
But reading your posts I see a strong person who can work through all these issues. Not saying it will be easy, but you can do it. And you will always have SF. Please stay strong, keep talking to us and don't let your mind dwell only on the bad things in life.
 
JMG

JMG

Pink Sponge Summer Queen 💖🧽🦉👑
#4
#4
Thank you @AmberMarie and @SillyOldBear I really appreciate you both taking the time to reply here. And aw no worries AM, I know it’s hard to know what to say about it, it means a lot to me when people care and read what I wrote, and when they reply letting me know that, it helps a lot too :)

SillyOldBear - Thank you so much for your kind, caring and compassionate response of encouragement to me, I really appreciate that you took the time to write that for me :) I definitely feel reassured that those thoughts don’t sound like a crazy person, and ya I definitely do my best not to obsess about them constantly. They just worry me when they “do” come up, and cause me to feel a lot of fear/anxiety.

Oh wow about a 1 bedroom place not being available for under $2K per month. I thought it was bad here, and it is, given our limited income, but ya for a 1 bedroom especially it seems they are often over $1K per month here and for us that is a lot. I just hope there will be a lot more affordable, rental buildings built in the next decade, they have been needed for a lot of years now. Thank you though, I hope we don’t need to move too.

Sorry to hear about your parents passing in the 80’s, ya the thought of it has always terrified me, had just hoped as an adult that the fear/worry about it might become a bit less, but overall it hasn’t. I know it is a natural part of life, I guess it just seems like one of the hardest things to be “prepared” for. Those kinds of things cause me a very high stress and anxiety level. Plus I just can’t even fathom it really, like the sadness, wow, I don’t think it would ever end.

Glad you have a social network with your church, and thank you again for those encouraging things you said and that you think I seem strong from my posts. When I’m in my weakest, most fearful moods then I definitely don’t feel strong at all, but I will try harder to remind myself of my strength and stay more focused on that :) I will do my best to stay strong, and also to stay focused on the good/positive things in life bring me joy instead of on those that bring fear.
 
may71

may71

mr. may
#5
#5
JMG said:
All the homeless people in the world, along with people and beings living in any kind of “suffering”, wish I could give every last person what they need and help them all be the best and happiest they can be
Click to expand...
That's really nice that you wish that :)

JMG said:
So I guess what I’m curious about based on those things I said I feel worried/afraid about is whether those seem like the thoughts of a “crazy person” or not.
Click to expand...
It's totally normal for people to have worries and fears. It's also generally bad for your health to have a lot of worries and fears.

I wonder if CBT or a book about CBT would be helpful for you. However you would go about it, it sounds like accepting things as they are, or having faith that they'll work out would be beneficial.

You're also welcome to say more about any of the things that you are worried or fearful about.
 
KM76710

KM76710

Kangaroo Manager
SF Pro
SF Supporter
#6
#6
Take all the time and all the space and words to express yourself. Worried I get, the world is topsy turvy and seems worse all the time as life goes by. I feel it myself and there are some real concerns for yourself and it is a good telling point about yourself that you feel for others you hope the best for.
 
JMG

JMG

Pink Sponge Summer Queen 💖🧽🦉👑
#7
#7
Thank you @may71 and @KM76710 for your kind replies, I appreciate them both a lot :)

may71 - Thank you, I’m glad you think it’s nice of me to wish for there to be no more homelessness or suffering of any kind, I know it is probably quite an “unrealistic” thing to wish for, but if there is ANY way it is possible then I sure would like to find it! :)

Thanks for being understanding and compassionate about it being normal to have worries and fears, and ya I agree about it being bad for a person’s health. It’s one of the reasons I asked for peoples opinions/feedback/perspective on whether it seems “crazy” or not. I’m glad it doesn’t (sure feels like it sometimes though I must say, lol) but ya I don’t ever want it to get to that point if I can prevent it.

I’ve tried CBT before, and did find it somewhat helpful, it seems to take a tremendous effort just to get the thoughts to “improve” by even just 1 or 2% a lot of the time, so it is hard for me to not feel a bit “discouraged” by that, but I do my best to keep a positive/hopeful attitude about it of course.

Agreed that having more faith and acceptance about things would be helpful, I’m not always very sure how to do that I guess, or if it’s even possible. I do try to believe that there is a way to do that though, just wish it was a bit easier to figure out “wtf that is” if that makes sense. Would you be comfortable sharing some details of some ways you have found helpful for you? I’d be so grateful for some ideas with it for sure :)

Ya I guess overall I didn’t really “get into” the details of each of those “things” I listed feeling so worried/afraid about, had just been trying to keep the post as short as I could so it wouldn’t be overwhelming for people lol. Not sure where to even begin with the details of those things, but I will give some thought to that and then try to do a separate post about it in here. Thank you for asking for more info about it, wow, that really is so incredibly kind and caring of you and I definitely appreciate that more than words can say :)
 
JMG

JMG

Pink Sponge Summer Queen 💖🧽🦉👑
#8
#8
KM76710 said:
Take all the time and all the space and words to express yourself. Worried I get, the world is topsy turvy and seems worse all the time as life goes by. I feel it myself and there are some real concerns for yourself and it is a good telling point about yourself that you feel for others you hope the best for.
Click to expand...
Had meant to reply to this in that last post I did, but since that one got kinda “long” I decided to do a quote and separate reply to this instead. Anyway - thank you so much for replying, and also for being so reassuring about it being ok for me to express things as I need, I really do deeply appreciate that. I know on a rational level that it is “fine” for me to do that, but the emotional part seems to sometimes be a bit afraid of doing that, or where it seems to be full of doubt and uncertainty about whether it’s truly “ok” or not.

But ya, thank you for being understanding about my worry about how topsy turvy the world is, and that it seems to be getting “worse” as time goes on. I know people have claimed over the years that it can sometimes come with “age” to feel that way more (maybe cos we tend to “see more” and be more aware of things that we didn’t know when in 20’s or even 30’s? Really not sure lol) but ya, this doesn’t feel like it is “only” to do with age, so that worries me a bit as well. I really do not ever want to become some miserable, bitter, negative, grumpy, cynical old lady or anything like that (I’m not an “old lady” yet I guess lol, but just saying I don’t want that to “ever” be me if I can possibly help it).

Anyway, thank you again for being understanding about what I said, and for sharing the fact that you feel those concerns too, that is comforting for me in terms of the whole “not alone” thing with it for sure. Ya it’s always been a pretty “natural” thing for me to care deeply about others, whether they’re family/friends or just people in general. I just really want the best for everyone, and wish there was a lot more I could do to help them all.
 
MisterBGone

MisterBGone

~\_✅`,')
SF Supporter
#9
#9
While I don't have any experience, with contacting th ecrisis line, I have been admitted to inpatient before. And more than once (many more, in-fact!)... All I can say, is that I would approach it from the point of view where/by : You don't have anything to be worried about, or overly concerned with--in terms of; having any "judgements passed!" For ... these people should be aware of the fact that, you are at some of your lowest & most vulnerable moments in life. If willing to call in & such. So, in short you don't have time to worry about all of that. Or anything else, related to (it) with respect to being concerned about. They are there to serve a function, or a purpose & a role. They are not there to place you in some kind of a talent contest. Or to evaluate your worth as a human. Or what kind of a soul you've got. How distasteful, you may be. Etc. So that is just something yu'd have to, "Get over~*." (in my opinion) -> if you are to ever find yourself in that moment, or position. Because at that point, your life is at stake. Or getting fairly/very close to it. So, you need not concern yourself over such affairs. Who cares what they think? They will hang up. And be on to answering & talking to, the next caller who calls in. And do you think they really have time (or care / concern in the world) to be placing values of judgement on peoples' character, or whatever else it is? When in this position... While I suppose they could. It's not likely that very many of them would. For it would be, not only a waste of their time. Unethical and so on. But it would run sort of counter to what the reason for many or most of them, to be getting into &/or signing up for this position in the first place. Or you'd like to hope so~!* ;) Your goal: is to get help. Their job; is to assist you in whatever kind of way in which they can facilitate in this manner and sense. @JMG :) Peace & so on...
 
Survivorist

Survivorist

Black sheep of my family....
#10
#10
I think you have some things to sort out and to solve. But its far from hopeless. When I read it, it sounds like a list of problems, I have to solve one after the other. That you want to help other persons I find extraordinary and adore you for that. I do the same.

I just wish you the wisdom to get your things sorted out. Being in a relation or being married is not always the final solution. Doing sport ALWAYS helps. Writing your story down is something that helps you see clearer. These are the things I did - and I am a lot older than you. Do not be afraid to move. I think I moved 25 times in my life - and in many countries. Do I regret it? No, because I had a lot of experiences, but I have to live with the fact that for the moment I am alone. That is ok - I am used to it.

For being afraid or having sometimes panic - this is just completely normal. It will be better, if you walk for 2 or 3 hours and come home, drink a tea and lay down. Its gone.

Wish you all the best.
 
JMG

JMG

Pink Sponge Summer Queen 💖🧽🦉👑
#11
#11
Thank you MrB, you make some great points there. I wish I had people to just ask in “person” about the crisis line part especially, but since I don’t I decided to include it in the post as well since it’s something I’ve also felt a bit anxious about. I appreciate that you haven’t judged me for what some might perhaps be inclined to judge as me “taking myself too seriously” it’s a bit more “involved” than that, and I definitely do have very bad past experiences of being harshly judged by people.

Anyway - everything you’ve said there makes a lot of sense, and it definitely would NOT make sense for those crisis line workers to be of the “judgmental” sort. That is very comforting to think of it that way. Perhaps if I’m ever feeling especially triggered/emo/scared/down or these other things again I will finally be able to get up the courage to just call one of them. I will definitely try hard to push past whatever “fears” I have about it. Maybe the “first time” calling one is the hardest part, and once I have experience having done it before then it will be at least a “bit” easier after that. Just really need for it to “help” in some way, so I guess that’s the other thing I fee a bit worried about, I don’t like to do things like that if it won’t even help in any way in the end. But I guess I don’t really have much to “lose” with it, so should just keep my mind focused on that. Having someone to talk to and who will listen and care is quite helpful, and I think I tend to have a higher appreciation of that than the huge majority do, especially these days. So I think it will be worth it to “do it”.

Thank you again for all the kind and thoughtful things you said there, I really appreciate it a lot and will give it all some serious thought :)
 
may71

may71

mr. may
#12
#12
JMG said:
Thank you
Click to expand...
You're welcome! :)
JMG said:
Would you be comfortable sharing some details of some ways you have found helpful for you?
Click to expand...
One thing is that I realize that if fear, worry, or despair overwhelm me, I can't reach my full potential to do good in the world. So just seeing overcoming these emotions as a kind of duty is helpful for me.

I'm sorry CBT hasn't been that helpful. Maybe it's an issue with the particular techniques rather than the notion of changing how you think itself?

Personally, the notion of karma, or maybe more generally the notion of non-duality was helpful for me. So I started to remember some events where people had acted in a really malicious way toward me, and how much they seemed to have the attitude that it was ok to behave this way toward someone if they could get a away with it. Remembering one event led to a cascade of remembering other events, which put me in a very bad mood. Then I remembered notions of karma, that maybe the negative events I encountered were actually beneficial to me. It's not even that I think this is necessarily even true, but just entertaining the notion was really helpful. The notion of karma also doesn't mean that I think I must have worse karma than other people, but rather that everyone has a vast supply of it (more than could arrive in a single lifetime).

About the same time I was looking at some videos that were really soothing to me, so I think that may have helped too. Maybe it was even the videos that allowed me to start thinking that way.

I think it also helps just to realize that you're having a particular emotion when you are having it, and that this emotion is something that you yourself finding excessive or unwanted. That awareness can help you find ways to counter it. For example, if I find that I'm getting angry about something, if I realize that the anger is something that is raising my blood pressure and is generally something not good for me, the realization itself can help prevent me from doing anything that feeds that emotion.
 
I

iloverachel

No longer suicidal after 8 years of depression
#13
#13
I wish you the best my friend. Seems like you are going through a lot of stress and personal issues. It is okay to be afraid. We are here for you. Happy new years and hope your mother is well and your living situation is good *hug
 
LumberJack

LumberJack

Huggy Bear 🐻
#14
#14
JMG said:
Hey everyone, wasn’t sure where else to post this, but it’s basically about a few things so I’ll try to keep it all to the point and not ramble too much ;)

The “worried and afraid” thing refers to so many things I don’t know where to really begin, but some of the “biggest” ones are:

- Where we might be living next year (might have to move, it’s a bit “up in the air” right now, long story)
- Whether we’ll be able to stay living in our city (was fairly affordable for rents when we moved here almost 8 years ago, but much less affordable now.
- My mom, for various reasons. Basically - she has some bad and unhealthy habits, and I’m terrified that they will cause her health to deteriorate.
- Myself, the fact that I have no social life and never really have, where I’d be without my mom and 1 real life friend (who is 20 years older than me) because in terms of people “in person” they are all I have. The idea of living without either or both of them feels utterly unbearable and I don’t think I could survive such a level of infinite pain.
- All the homeless people in the world, along with people and beings living in any kind of “suffering”, wish I could give every last person what they need and help them all be the best and happiest they can be.
- My sis, for various reasons. Just hoping she’s happy, I suspect she might not be, if she isn’t I feel confused about why she wouldn’t talk to me about it, and afraid if I ask about it (I could, don’t feel fear about it even though it can be a hard thing to ask about) that she might not tell me the truth.
- That sometimes if I get too sucked into worrying about these things too much that it can take my mind to a dark place where I feel like I’d rather not have to keep dealing with all of it. Needing a serious break from my mind and don’t know how to get it really.

So I guess what I’m curious about based on those things I said I feel worried/afraid about is whether those seem like the thoughts of a “crazy person” or not. And also, if they don’t sound crazy “now” do you think there is a high chance that if a person lives with all those fears/worries for years that they could become crazy? I really don’t ever want to be crazy if I can help it, and hope that I’m not already “there”.

One more thing (omg sorry I guess this ended up being a bit long after all) that I feel afraid of but that I feel might be able to help me in those especially down/dark/negative moods is to call a crisis line. I have never done that before because of extreme fear of being judged (been judged pretty harshly in my life). For those who have called one before, how did you do it? Any advice on how I might be able to overcome my fear of calling one would be very appreciated, thank you so much to anyone who takes the time to read this, feedback would be deeply appreciated too of course :)
Click to expand...
I have called crisis line a couple of times. That’s actually a part of the story of how I got here on SF. The first time was a really lucky encounter. I said that I was feeling a little off, and that I was not sure if I was okay or not. They sent out a pair of social workers to check on me, and when they saw me, they didn’t come inside my apartment. I would come to appreciate the wisdom of that policy later.

We spoke outside, which honestly, I hadn’t been in the sunlight for a few days, so just getting some light and fresh air was already helping. We developed my first ever “safety plan.” They left me with a phone list for mental health services, and the nearest emergency psychiatric clinic that took walk ins. I was really surprised, because they were so helpful, but it was a state level program, paid by taxes. I was living in a state where I didn’t expect there to be much resources publicly available, and this was one good thing. The other was the state health insurance for unemployed people (which I was at the time) was better than my health plan at my last job, lol! I digress.

The second time I called the crisis line provided by my EAP (employee assistance program). I had found a new job by this time. They suggested that I go to a higher level of care, since therapy and medication was just barely keeping me alive. The next level up was for a partial hospitalization program, which was 5 hours of therapy in a group 5 days a week for about 4 weeks. The PHP was a good experience.

Unfortunately, I have heard stories about unhelpful volunteers answering crisis lines and even some people who ended up with a cop at their door for a wellness check, which means they are checking to see if you’re a danger to self or others. If so, it’s a 72hr hold for you. So it’s a luck of the draw type of thing; I would never ever *ever* depend on a crisis line because sometimes they are not going to be that helpful. Which is ironic considering that if you are in crisis, that means that your usual supports are not working! After my inpatient experience, I am determined to become my own therapist through my work in therapy. Although PHP was great, the hospital was basically the psychiatric equivalent of the county drunk tank, i.e., there was no treatment; I was merely kept in a ward until I figured out that I had to present well just to get out of there.

I hope this helps you, or someone.
 
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