Venting I don't know what's been happening these past few days but I feel like they're the last

Hi, i didn't talk to anyone in like two years since my only friend committed suicide. I(mod edit) I had several suicide attempts that didn't work so my brain is destroyed, i can't study, im failure for family, all i do is telling how i hate myself and want to kill myself. Im usolated, started hearing voices some time ago, be scared of go outside and tired of people, from other hand scared of them.Now im month in new school but haven't talk to anyone, even say hello, im like sick or dying animal that is scared and isolated, everything im doing is trying to survive and run back home think how i hate myself and want to end this hell. I feel pathetic trying to get help, i was insulting by doctors so many times, and it never helped and i don't know what i should do (mod edit) Im so tired its too much

Hey @kjhjgh , I'm sorry to learn of the loss of your good friend. And since they were your one & only, I can only imagine the pain and suffering this has caused. Also sorry to learn of your problems associated with your past tries at ending things. Tragic, no doubt. It must be incredibly hard and scary to be in a new school system, with so many new faces and unfamiliar territory & places. I'm sorry too, that your doctors have not been better for you, and done a good job at helping you to find some relief from the things that are making you feel this way, and putting you in a position where you don't feel like you've got any other choice. Is it possible, I've just got to ask, to put some of your energy on what it might take to live instead? What things would need to occur, in order for this to be a distinct possibility?

Because I know it can be a reality for you, it's just hard if not impossible to see it, given what you've gone through. And all that has led to affecting your judgement. I hope you can still ask for help. And that you've told the doctors about the voices. If not, then I think that would be good. Try to focus, if you can, just for a minute, on what might make you happy. And then once you've got an answer, or some of them. See how you can go about working towards making that happen. Because I think it can. Even if you don't. Maybe I'm right? Or just offering you another suggestion. Because I know how "tunnel-vision," things can be, and how difficult it can all seem, when you are in this state of feeling, and being so low and deflated, or devastated & defeated. You don't have to be demoralized though, for there is always hope. As long as you can continue to be here, and just keep on going & fighting & everything else. I think you can do it. And I'll be pulling for you along the way. Take care!

I can be your friend