It's not like I expected things to go perfectly, but I wanted things to be bearable ;-;;
Christmas was so dull that I don't remember any of it other than having a terrible pizza for dinner. The night of New Year's Eve was celebrated the same way I celebrated it last year, asleep. My dad brought a couple of small fireworks and I thought I would be happy with them (by them, I mean both fireworks and family time). I enjoyed the bang snaps for a little bit. But for some odd reason, I got so sad using a roman candle. Perhaps it me being moody, but its ephemeral nature ruined my mood. Bright, burning, and a lack of any substance or symbolic meaning to me. I guess it's my reaction to my own life: that's it? Promised and expected so much, only to be bogged down as days pass on.
I got into many fights with many relatives during the holidays that I slept through everything. I only stayed awake for breakfast and midnight when the house is asleep. There's always a sense of power in the night, like I can catch up with everything I feel too bummed out to do in the day. Well, I say that, but it's hard for me to do anything but listen to sad music. Picking up a book is hard, or even writing, something that does make me happy when it clicks. I just feel angry when I have to be in the same room as these people. And when everyone is asleep, I feel just as exhausted to do the things that did make me happy before. I just want to be happy? But it seems like too much to ask.
I overheard my mom talking to her friend about me, telling them that I wanted to leave this place. God, it's so true. But I want to leave this place, they want to keep me for some odd reason. They treat me like a child but expect me to behave like an adult. I want to move out and work, I am at the point of giving up continuing towards high education. I just don't have the hope anymore to go on. Not when I keep getting reminded of my own failings, which I know so well. Which I want to overcome. But I always seem to fall short on it, or not pull through. And they are only there to see me fail.
I hate this place and life. I just want some form of control.
Christmas was so dull that I don't remember any of it other than having a terrible pizza for dinner. The night of New Year's Eve was celebrated the same way I celebrated it last year, asleep. My dad brought a couple of small fireworks and I thought I would be happy with them (by them, I mean both fireworks and family time). I enjoyed the bang snaps for a little bit. But for some odd reason, I got so sad using a roman candle. Perhaps it me being moody, but its ephemeral nature ruined my mood. Bright, burning, and a lack of any substance or symbolic meaning to me. I guess it's my reaction to my own life: that's it? Promised and expected so much, only to be bogged down as days pass on.
I got into many fights with many relatives during the holidays that I slept through everything. I only stayed awake for breakfast and midnight when the house is asleep. There's always a sense of power in the night, like I can catch up with everything I feel too bummed out to do in the day. Well, I say that, but it's hard for me to do anything but listen to sad music. Picking up a book is hard, or even writing, something that does make me happy when it clicks. I just feel angry when I have to be in the same room as these people. And when everyone is asleep, I feel just as exhausted to do the things that did make me happy before. I just want to be happy? But it seems like too much to ask.
I overheard my mom talking to her friend about me, telling them that I wanted to leave this place. God, it's so true. But I want to leave this place, they want to keep me for some odd reason. They treat me like a child but expect me to behave like an adult. I want to move out and work, I am at the point of giving up continuing towards high education. I just don't have the hope anymore to go on. Not when I keep getting reminded of my own failings, which I know so well. Which I want to overcome. But I always seem to fall short on it, or not pull through. And they are only there to see me fail.
I hate this place and life. I just want some form of control.
