Every encounter I have with others is daunting, obsessing over what they think of me and how they compare with how I want to be.
Every time I leave the house there is so much turmoil, comparing myself to strangers, overhearing strangers' conversations that make me jealous, so overwhelmed by crowds, uncontrollable rumination.
I am intensely disgusted with myself.
too dramatic
too irrational
too self-revealing
too impulsive
too uncool
too cringe
too in touch with reality
too gluttonous
too impatient
too hoarder
the exact opposite of how I wish to be
things like my clothes my hair my music taste my pastimes my vocabulary my habits my approach to life like everything basically I am extremely ashamed of and extremely disgusted by
Even the fact no-one ever really responds to my posts I just get a few mindless upvotes is evidence that with time more and more people view me as the dramatic irrational self-revealing impulsive uncool cringe in touch with reality gluttonous impatient hoarder I do not want to be. And to make matters worse the fact I complain about not having enough attention is also evidence I am more the way I do not want to be than the way I would like to be, resulting in even more distress.
I can't trust my psychologist. His vocabulary makes me cringe. Everything he says is probably from outdated sources, contradicting whatever I hear people say IRL or read on the internet. I know I should develop better habits to feel better in the long term but I just can't I just fucking can't, because it's part of my identity, at the same time I cringe at making anything part of my identity, it's a catch -22.
I wish I was way more knowledgable about these obscure 2000s looking websites (like Psych Forum as one example except I never actually use it because theres barely anyone there) instead of fucking ChatGPT. The former is scientific but in an indie way if you know what I mean but the latter is just so ugly because it's literally artificial (AI).
Every time I leave the house there is so much turmoil, comparing myself to strangers, overhearing strangers' conversations that make me jealous, so overwhelmed by crowds, uncontrollable rumination.
I am intensely disgusted with myself.
too dramatic
too irrational
too self-revealing
too impulsive
too uncool
too cringe
too in touch with reality
too gluttonous
too impatient
too hoarder
the exact opposite of how I wish to be
things like my clothes my hair my music taste my pastimes my vocabulary my habits my approach to life like everything basically I am extremely ashamed of and extremely disgusted by
Even the fact no-one ever really responds to my posts I just get a few mindless upvotes is evidence that with time more and more people view me as the dramatic irrational self-revealing impulsive uncool cringe in touch with reality gluttonous impatient hoarder I do not want to be. And to make matters worse the fact I complain about not having enough attention is also evidence I am more the way I do not want to be than the way I would like to be, resulting in even more distress.
I can't trust my psychologist. His vocabulary makes me cringe. Everything he says is probably from outdated sources, contradicting whatever I hear people say IRL or read on the internet. I know I should develop better habits to feel better in the long term but I just can't I just fucking can't, because it's part of my identity, at the same time I cringe at making anything part of my identity, it's a catch -22.
I wish I was way more knowledgable about these obscure 2000s looking websites (like Psych Forum as one example except I never actually use it because theres barely anyone there) instead of fucking ChatGPT. The former is scientific but in an indie way if you know what I mean but the latter is just so ugly because it's literally artificial (AI).
