its creeping in again....

i know i dont post here much.
i dont get internet access much though because of my living situation.
i wish i could get online more.
the last time i was like this, someone on this board saved me.
and im grateful.....

but im back at square one.
no one believes im having issues.
i tried to tell my worker that things are out of line and i hate my life.
his response "well, you look fine on the outside"
i dont know what they want me to do.
they (the staff here) yell at me a few weeks back because i DID show my real emotions and was sad and acted how i felt.
and i got in trouble for it and told to get my act together.
so i dont know what to do.

i found out yesterday that because of me my own father almost committed suicide himself.
he told me in confidence.
but its been on my mind.
i used to not speak to my father (abuse issues).
now we speak and he is probably the person in the world i am closest to.
and it was my fault that he didnt come to queensland with me, my sister and mum.
i said i wouldnt go if he went.
i remember it.
and i had to go because i was competing (sport. dont ask).
he told me he cried leaving us at the airport.
and contemplated suicide (in a way which i wont disclose incase of giving people ideas).
i feel dead inside.
he's never let me into his life like that before.

i feel like suicide is following me around.
there has been one successful suicide and one attempt in the area i live in in the last week. (i know people who know things. plus, these people did it in a very public place).
its like i cant get away.
ive been thinking about taking my own life since.... i dont know.
its so intense now.
i just want it to be over.
i want to scream and cry and die.

im sorry for even posting. i feel as though im wasting peoples time.
i just dont know.
i dont know if ill be here tomorrow.
i dont even know if ill make it through the day.

i just need to hear from people.
that im not alone.



and im afraid......

I'm still here if you ever need to talk to someone. I have some very screwed up problems of my own lately (I won't bother you with them) -- but I'm always willing to talk or just listen.

You aren't alone here. I know you're a good person and I know you can make it. I know how it feels to be like that, because I feel it every day lately. I have hope that it can get better for both me and you, and everyone here.

You definately aren't wasting peoples time. Everyone here hurts for different reasons, and your reasons aren't any less important than anyone elses.

Just want you to know that you aren't alone...

thank you.
really. thank you.

i just feel like im sinking even further.
i want to scream for help.
but dont know.
i dont want to be alive tomorrow.
i dont want to be alive today.

Time is a thing to waste and a thing you must cherish for if you waste your time early on then later on you shall have no time to waste
make haste in this world they say
bottle up your emotions they say
remember the past they say
but what do I say?
Life is but a dream that you, I, and all shall wake up from one day and it is the past is not something to linger on
The past is the past and that is what makes it so ad infinitum
The present is what I live for
if you live in the past you can never escape
and if you live in the future then you ever shall worry about the next moment
but the present is the moment that we share as we struggle to meet the next days challenge
So in conclusion, I say that never let those around you hold you down and live your life to the fullest!