Venting how the fuck do i make myself EMOTIONLESS (hysterical is the complete opposite of how I self-identify, I'm transtypal)

right now I actually really fucking feel like doing it, I am in so much distress, I am still crying
Researching how to <mod edit - methods>

the pain is just unbearable

even though it has happened, its in the past now, Im nice and safe at home away from the public, the pain still lingers on, it is so unbearaable
nothing helps
NOTHING FUCKING HELPS

MAKE ME STOIC
MAKE ME APATHETIC
MAKE ME UNFLAPPABLE
MAKE ME ABSENT MINDED, INATTENTIVE, SPACEY
MAKE ME MONOTONE
MAKE ME TALL AND SKINYN
MAKE MY HAIR THICKER AND FLUFFY
MAKE MY SKIN PALER

i cant leeave the house without comparing myself to strangers

the entire world is so transphobic

Regardless of what sex or gender you are of course its normal understandable to feel shame over having tantrums in public, but especially for a TRANSGENDER MALE to cry like a fucking WOMAN in public is an entirely different story

sadly Type reassignment surgery is not a thing. I suspect i am the only person in the world with personality dysphoric disorder, or at least with a particularly notable case of it. Unfortunatley lobotomies no longer exist. Im so cooked.

I FUCKING HATE HOW WHENEVER I VENT TO HOTLINES I GET TOLD "thank you for being so brave and opening up"
I FUCKING HATE HOW WHENEVER I VENT TO PEOPLE IN GENERALL I GET TOLD TO CALM DOWN
both are equally as triggering
VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY VERY TRIGGERING