Feeling so hopeless

I have so much grief and so much pain right now. I started writing this in the "Generation Gap" subforum but it turned out to be a broader topic than that.

I don't believe in "supposed to" attached to ages. Especially not for someone who has spent decades unlearning the pain of childhood sexual trauma. I'm turning 42 this year and ... I fight and I struggle and I strive to accept myself, to find people who love me, to love myself, to find community. And I have a lot of that, but I am still exhausted all of the time. I got COVID-19 in December 2023 and had a brutal time of it for a few months and then deep depression afterwards. Constantly fighting health insurance (U.S.) to cover the things I need as a trans person and navigating that fiasco has been draining. During that, I quit the job I was on medical leave from because of transphobia and the health insurance plan also refusing to cover my long COVID meds. I haven't worked since. I just started looking for work and am not having luck. I barely function more than two or three hours a day at best. Realistically, I'm about half-way through my life. I feel like I only have struggling against the system and aging to look forward to for myself. I know there's a sub-forum just for this stuff, but the U.S., where I live, is disappearing immigrants, has started its attack on trans rights (I am trans).

I am so utterly bereft of hope. I don't have it in me to do more work. Not for or on myself. Not against the horrible fascism rising in my country. Not to earn a living. I don't want to die, but I don't think I have the strength to go on living.

This is rambly and meandering. I have so much more I could say.

If you have more to say, you should say it. I come and go from these forums depending on my state of mental health. I love this place because it's the ideal opportunity for me to unburden myself. I can get everything off my chest without burdening family or friends or colleagues with my stuff, and I genuinely go about my day feeling lighter. My time stamp for your post says 1 am, which is a time when our darkest thoughts become most powerful and threatening. So keep writing and posting. I will be in and out, responding.

Thank you @Licorice. I posted that at 8PM my time, but it felt like 1AM for me. The reason I stopped saying was because I was exhausted, but I will try to be more involved here, including posting in this thread or others.

Just letting you know I read your post. I share the worries and fear about the fascism. When you're here you are among virtual friends. I wish I knew how to re-kindle some sense of not being alone. I send good thoughts for healing comletely from the Covid 19, and best to you for the job hunt.

Thank you, Seabird. I don't think complete healing from COVID-19 is in the cards for me. I still have mild respiratory symptoms to 15 months later, and I can't tell how much of my fatigue is due to that versus depression versus who knows what?

I started posting about things: https://www.suicideforum.com/community/threads/topic-1-gender-dysphoria-gender-grief.180424/