I am in pain every day

i really want to be the tall pake thin scrawny stoner gamer boy with acne and messy hair, that tells the hysterical blonde girl to calm down in a witty way. NOT the hysterical blonde girl herself.

dramatic, impulsive, materialistic, clingy, needy, emotional + but also autistic and socially inept all at the saem time=== worst case scenario
simultaneously lonely and isolated and unfashionable and with a typology that completely contradicts your identity/ self worht
hysterical clingy dramatic impulsive girl that has tantrums like a child and makes no sense BAD BAD BAD

I do have a support system (my aunt), but it's not effective enough. It's not effective enough because it does not cater towards what I find the most meaningful- typology forums and my brother felt like more of a support system than my aunt
I have to wait until 15th april for mental health team and thats just another assessment rather than an actual appointent

going back and forth between feeling like shit and then feeling deeply ashamed over the reasons for feeling like shit

I dont want to be a stupid dramatic attention-seeker "makes type me posts millions of times"
I want to be Idk just more detached in general

I dont want to be colourful, flamboyant, extravagant, over the top.
I want to be a ghost, grey, monotone, lost, dissociated, numb.

I want to be a certain way but I also cringe at wanting to be a certain way. Like one part of me desperately wants to be a certain way because it is part of my identity, another part of me realises how fucking childish and cringe etc it is to do such a thing

trying to fantasize about apoxia, the pleasantly austere looking simple looking minimalistic magnolia cream white robot world with primary colours and big black dark holes

all my clothes are so fucking hideous no matter what. I want baggy denim shorts or bagy camoflague shorts but the ones i end up buying always automatically for some unknown reason happen to be some weird ugly shape which sticks me out from the boys i envy, so ashamed, so disgusted with myself

I DONT WANT TO BE WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY MORE OF A FEELER THAN A THINKER

i overthink every interaction, "their tone of voice sounded weirdly animated and cringey and fake, were they talking to me as if im an extremely dumb ugly childish pre-programmed cartoon character in a really dumb looking kids show??"

You seem to have a very great longing to be something it's impossible for you to be. You can be, and are, a boy, but there's no magic pill that can make you tall, thin and scrawny and give you acne and greasy hair. Longing for a physical appearance different from the one genetics gave us is a pretty universal human experience. Millions of boys and girls around the world eat their own hearts out because they think they're not handsome enough, not hot enough, not tall enough, not thin enough, not the right colour, not ripped enough... Just not enough.

You seem to be in a state of mind right now where whatever you see in the mirror will seem hideous beyond belief, because it isn't the look you've fixed on as the expression of your true self. I would be very surprised if most people's initial reactions upon seeing you is to think that you're ugly. That's a belief you are assigning to them.