Empathy and Advice Welcomed I feel like nobody can replace her

My history on this forum began with whining about this person. I've joined here about two years ago or maybe less. I already called her "ex" back then. It became clear from the beginning that she isn't able to be in a real romantic relationship. I tried to convince myself that I'm fine with this half assed not even friendship. I also tried to leave so many times but would always come back. Eventually she hurt me so much I asked her to block me. It shouldn't be difficult for her at all.

It's been three months but it feels like no time has passed. I still cry when I think about it. I'm not over it one bit. I can just pretend that I am, I can just not think about it, for long periods of time, but it doesn't mean that I'm actually over it.

I'm afraid of people. People give me anxiety. Taking to them is like pulling teeth. I'm not interested in them. I know I don't relate to them and they don't relate to me. She was the only one I instantly felt I could be myself with. That she relates to me and I relate to her. I wanted to always be with her. Nobody gives me the same feeling. And without it, I feel like some duct in my brain has been blocked. Like I live in constant deficiency, that I lack something. That I don't see a colour I used to see. That I'm only half alive.

I don't care when other people say that they like or love me. I don't feel anything. They like my confidence, they like that I'm weird but not ashamed of myself. They like what I give them and the world, but they don't understand me. And I don't understand them.

I used to be a warrior when it comes to breakup, trauma and so on. My breakups when I was younger were way more painful and traumatic. I'd fight them, I'd come up with a plan, I'd follow it. I always believed there is something better waiting for me. But recently I don't. I don't care anymore. I don't believe there's something better waiting for me. I think I can just live all my life only being half alive and not seeing all colours and then die. And that's it.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Do you want to say more about her and what happened, or post a link to a thread where you've spoken about her?

She's a classic "avoidant". Didn't want me close but also didn't want me to leave. Would refuse meeting me for months on the grounds of "work". Would sometimes bring up how she met other people to either check my reaction or because she's just clueless. I had enough one day

I'm sorry it was like that.

Do you feel like if you had her back, you'd feel better, or would you just be back in something you'd want to escape from?

I'd immediately regret it. We both didn't change. I'd still want a close relationship and she would still be running from it. Her pattern of behaviour was the same for years and it has formed way before we met. She never had a committed relationship and she made everyone who likes her feel like shit.

That's a tough situation to be in, but it also sounds like a realistic assessment that she would probably continue behaviors that she engaged in in the past.

I guess the advice side of this would be to try books, therapy, or other treatment methods. I could say more about this if you're interested, but it's ok if you're not.

I don't need treatment, everyone else does