This World Doesn't Make any Sense

There's no way to defend myself from an attacker

In principle you could become a martial artist. A few years of hard training, and you'll be able to easily defeat almost anyone.

Regarding being a man as someone who is a man. Grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Not really. Even with martial arts it's near impossible for a woman to fight off a man bigger than her.

I can completely understand where you're at. It may sound daft coming from a trans woman, but you sound exactly like me.
I survived abuse too. Thankfully mine wasn't physical, but it was definitely emotional abuse, guy's a wannabe cult leader, and it was intense. I also had a pretty rough childhood. People see weakness, and some choose to take advantage.

And like you i wanted to be a man about it, i wanted to become somebody no-one could mess with. I carried around heavy weights to train my muscles, i ran constant mental drills of how to fight anyone i saw, any situation. I watched so many violent films, intently studying every move. I constantly imagined my house being broken into, being dragged into alleys, being surrounded on the train "how would i win?" over and over and over. I listened to East-German Industrial metal, i grew out my beard, and made myself look as messy as possible, and dressed in what i described as "homeless Ukrainian gangster chic." Just because i thought it'd help, i even taught myself to like black coffee, and whiskey, and Guinness. I was 5 foot 10, 220lbs, and imposing as hell. You should see some of the pictures i took during that time, it's like i'm trying to drill into your soul with my dead, militant eyes.

And it worked. People would take one look at me and they'd cross the street. They'd mess with the little meek dude but they wouldn't even dare look sideways at me. I'd have fairly big guys admit to me that they found me "fucking terrifying." Nobody would touch me, because they knew i could probably pick them up and throw them across the room if i wanted.
And you know what? I was miserable. 24/7/365. Yeah, i was technically physically safe now, but it didn't undo what my abuser did to me. It didn't give me back my self-esteem. It didn't fix anything.

All it did was keep everyone at arm's length, and prevent anyone from ever really seeing how hurt i still was, because that was vulnerability, and vulnerability was weakness. It meant i could never really begin to heal. I just kept feeling like shit and beating myself up for not being manly enough to just get over it already.

And then i met this dude who changed my life. Scrawny little blond guy, must have been about 5 foot 3, and like 130lbs soaking wet. And he saw right past my tough act from the word go. Constantly remarking how he could take me in a fight, despite everyone always responding "this guy would kill you, dude." He just saw me as this big fuzzy teddy bear of a guy, and treated me with this kindness i hadn't realised how badly i needed, even for a long time after we met. He asked me if i was okay, he listened to me until i'd break down crying (which i hated to do around people), he told me to look after myself first and only give him what was going spare. He even ran through the city at night once to be with me in the A&E, because he could tell i really needed someone. He became my best friend so quickly, and he taught me how to trust people again. And eventually that led to where i am now. And looking back on it, it was only when i finally started to embrace my vulnerability and my weakness, and ironically, my womanhood, that i finally started to make peace with what had been done to me.

So you totally could become a man if you want. Hell, i'm sure i could give you some pointers. You could get the surgeries, and take the testosterone, and grow a beard, and dress like a homeless Ukrainian gangster, until nobody dared even approach you. But he, whoever he is, would still hold that power over you. He would still keep invading your thoughts like he is. You'd forever be on watch, an eternal state of hypervigilance for guys like him. A soldier constantly at attention, awaiting the order to go over the top, like i was. And doing so would likely keep you stuck in that same perdition forever. If you want to actually be free, my advice would be to forgive yourself, and learn to accept that it wasn't your fault for "letting it happen" or "not being strong enough to stop it." You are a better person than him. You are not the problem, he was. And he does not deserve to have that power over you. You have to learn to trust again.

am not insane for dieing, you are all insane for living.

I think my issue is I would prefer a more philosophical reply I guess. What's the point of existing if half of the world is able to overpower you and 🍇 you and is eager to do so? How can someone have confidence when they are stuck in that situation? How can you feel like you deserve to be respected when half the world has hated you since forever because you are physically weak and able to be overpowered?

I think this thread has gotten on the wrong track.

I hope you'll keep posting @MystriumCamillae , usually there's a way out other than suicide for most people, and maybe we can help you find it. A new thread maybe need to reset the discussion though.

Not to be flippant but.....touch grass

This type of discussion if it's purely theoretical screams being chronically online to me.

I wish you luck

If you think me trying to find a reason to exist is chronically online than so be it. I guess some of us will never be to that desperate place and see it as amusing to have absolutely no reason to stick around. Enjoy your male body I guess.