I don't feel well. Just talk to me.

Hi.
I have not been on your forum for a long time. We have a difficult situation in Ukraine. And other things did not allow me.
Now I feel very lousy. Just talk to me. I have no one else to talk to. I went to a psychiatrist recently. She's a therapist and a psychologist too. ned She recommended that I talk to someone. If you can, I'd appreciate it. Ask me anything, I will answer.

Recently lost my job. Another job is very hard to find. And I don't even want to look for one, it scares me. My ex-girlfriend betrayed me and abused me. My own online project is not doing well. I have no energy, I can't work for a long time. I don't want to go out anywhere. I smoke a lot. But I don't use other drugs (like alcohol - 2 years)

The doctor said I have PTSD. Also have signs of depression and anxiety about depression.

Gard, are you in Ukraine right now?

Yes. Where are you from?

I don't like to be too specific, but I'm in the EU.

It sounds as if you have a lot of troubles piled on one another right now, any one of which would be enough to send someone into a depression. I've lost my job in the past, and I was betrayed by my husband, and both those life-changing events sent me spiralling into anxiety and permanently changed me. It's not surprising you feel you have no energy. Our batteries can't go on forever without being recharged. And on top of all that you have a war to deal with, and all the social and economic impacts that go with that. You really have my sympathy.

Do you have anything in your life that you enjoy doing?

Hi Gard. Sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I'm glad to hear though, that you are no longer with your abusive ex. Is that the source of your PTSD? I ask because I was formerly in an abusive relationship and the therapist diagnosed me, much to my surprise, with PTSD.

Yes, it is. Thank you. Too many problems that came up at the same time.
On top of that, the intrusive thoughts are bothering me a lot.
Work didn't pay me for April and March. I was working unofficially as a freelancer. Now I can't even use social services to get paid a percentage of my salary.

Almost nothing interests me lately. I've even become a little disillusioned with my job. I used to do search engine optimization of websites on Google. But it's a sedentary job. Even though I've been doing a lot of exercise, my body still hurts all the time because of sitting. I even tried working standing and lying down. I was working remotely at home.

So work doesn't appeal to me at all now. I don't even know what to do next.

From other things I can now play a computer game for 2-3 hours. The rest of the time I watch shows. Right now I watch The Wheel of Time, season three. Did you watch it?

I can't even eat a lot of sweets.
I've been on a special diet for a long time. I eat sweets, but very little. It helps me sleep and relieves stress.

The situation is much more complicated than that. She deliberately deceived me. And laughed off my pain. It was doubly painful, and it became a strong trigger in addition to all my other problems. I had to see a therapist because I started having suicidal thoughts.
The reasons for my PTSD are many. Sometimes I wonder how I ever made it to my age.
Now I'm trying to get myself to live, but nothing is particularly satisfying. I've been offered antidepressants, but there are so many side effects that I'm even more scared.

It's terrible if they cheated you. I hope there's a way you can get your money.

You're welcome to say more about anything you've mentioned, or that I ask about, but it's also ok if you don't want to talk about it.
I've never heard of it. You could describe it if you'd like to.

I'm sorry that happened. Things were hard enough without her making them worse. Do you want to say more about what happened?

Antidepressants are probably better in the long term than self medicating with marijuana. There are also some alternative and self treatment methods.

@Licorice , @Lane Could you share techniques that have helped you deal with your past problems that you've written about, please? You've been through it, it was horrible. It would help me right now. Thank you.
I don't rely on that. All online companies offer cooperation as an entrepreneur, but not as an employee. This means that if I lose my contract, I cannot use social services to find a job. And I have to pay tax for my entrepreneurship, even if there is no income. That's why I don't have a registered business. This is the way it is in Ukraine. I don't know how it is in other countries.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Wheel_of_Time_(TV_series)
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7462410/
After very careful analysis, searching for solutions, studying the opinions of psychiatrists and psychologists, I came to the conclusion that I had fallen into the hands of a very skillful manipulator. A narcissist or even a psychopath. She knows all my weaknesses, she presses them regularly. She constantly accuses me, even if not directly, but indirectly. It was the right decision to break off the relationship with her. We have not been together for a long time, but she shows up in my life from time to time. No one has stepped up to take her place yet, and I haven't even tried to do that. I'm scared of new relationships.
The psychiatrist also said that antidepressants need to be used for a long time. In my situation, it may take 1 year. I don't use marijuana. I smoke a lot of cigarettes. Sometimes too many. And I think they cloud my mind because of the low oxygen in my blood. And I think I seek that clouding so I don't get bothered by intrusive thoughts.

My problem is that: right now I can't see myself as I want to be in the future. What can help me to see that? Are there any special techniques?

@may71 Thank you, you have always helped me on this forum.

I'll be honest with you, Gard. I have never recovered from my husband's betrayal. It changed me permanently. One of the changes was that it made me a little more selfish, in the sense that I was going to live my life from thereon, as far as possible, to please myself. I had two children to raise and they had to come first, of course, but they're grown men now in charge of their own lives. I have a full time job that I take very seriously, but outside my work and family commitments, I do what I want, when I want. If I want to eat chocolate and cherries for dinner, I do. If I want to stay up all night playing video games, I do.

I don't think there are any special techniques for seeing oneself as one wants to be the future. I think we all know the life we want to live. I think we deliberately shut down that vision when we feel it's beyond our reach for some reason or other - maybe an internal reason, or some external factors.

The other thing that always helps me is getting into nature - being surrounded by trees, the countryside, wildlife. I often feel very alone even with people I think I know well, because I thought I knew my husband well and it turned out I didn't know him at all, so maybe the same is true of everyone I think I know. But nature doesn't lie, and I feel better when I lose myself in it. When I die, I want to be outside, in a forest, in the company of trees. The world is very beautiful, and sometimes I think that just being able to exist in it, to look at it, listen to it, touch it and smell it, is a good enough reason to be alive.

Hello Sir. I'm a human so it might be difficult for you to find me consoling. And I'm sorry that you have no energy. I'll try my best in praying for you. May everyone be happy and free from suffering.

Have you ever been selfish at work?

I also took my job very seriously. I tried to do as much as possible with my time. I thought that the bosses would see how well I could work and I would be given some professional development. I was right in that the bosses would see how well I could do. However, they don't want my growth. That's what they told me, we need someone to take your place. And you are doing a good job of it. Over time, it became a conflict.

I've been good in the nature too, but I'm bored there. No impressions. Sometimes I like it, though.

Thank you.

@hi @Gard. As part of healing from PTSD, my therapist referred me to someone that specializes in domestic violence. It was there that I learned important things about myself.

At the hospital, it was actually an out patient program we created a notebook of things related to healing and self-care. There was much discussion about mindfulness, being in the present, not dwelling in the past, at least for me.

I also was switched off my old regimen of meds and put on a new one. So, it was a waiting period of a couple of months before I'd see any results from that.

I avoided dating for a long while and did a lot of positive self talk when I was berating myself. Now sure if this helps. I hope being here is helping you somewhat. Being abused in a relationship can really do a number on one's self esteem. What the abuser took so long to build up in me, the self doubt, feelings of inadequacy took a while to heal from, and I know there is hope for you Gard

You're welcome!
Oh sorry, I misunderstood.
You might want to try reading a book about CBT. This book is one of the most highly recommended CBT books for depression:

Mind Over Mood, Second Edition: Change How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think
Dennis Greenberger, Christine A. Padesky

I don't know if it would help specifically with imagining a future, but it might.

This link has some info about self-treatment methods:

Self-Treatment and Miscellaneous

If you can do things that will produce even a little bit of improvement, that may lead to even more improvements, and eventually you may be able to see a better future for yourself.

I wish your hard work had been better rewarded. It's unfair to give so much dedication and to get so little in return.

@Gard - in reading your initial post, I am thinking, “JFC… that’s a hell of a lot of difficulties!!” Honestly I think it’s very normal to have PTSD, and a lot of it, after what you’ve been through and are still going through!

I would be concerned, even, if you didn’t have PTSD!

I would do anything to fix things that I could. Right now I’m so disoriented and chaotic that I don’t think I’m even caring for myself very well. I feel like anything I might think of to do would end up unintentionally doing more harm than good.

Instead, I can only offer my compassion, and mention that you seem to going through serious shit rn, so I think you’re more sane than the rest of us to feel the way you do. But I’m a self admitted nutjob, so I could be wrong.

It's truly horrible how much destruction to an individual can come from such treatment.....
People are cruel.
I hope you're feeling better. If so, I'll feel better too

You might have thought so because you've known me for a long time, since 2022 when I first appeared on SF.
I used to smoke marijuana. In 2020, I quit on my own. I drove out into the woods and burned all my supply. I haven't smoked since, and I don't want to. If offered, I would turn it down. I am in very stable remission to marijuana.
And since 2023 I have been alcohol free. Also in very stable remission, I don't want it.
I think I have a little bit of power in me, don't I?

Thank you for the book. I already found it. I'll read it.