Empathy and Advice Welcomed I feel so empty.

It's been like this for over a year. I had a drug phase a while ago and overdosed on weed. Since then I've been having really bad hallucinations. My psychiatrist prescribed me antipsychotics and they help a lot. But ever since I started taking them I've just been feeling this perpetual emptiness.

It's really hard to describe. It's not the kinda emptiness I used to feel cause of my depression. It's much worse. There's zero feelings. Absolutely nothing. And there's something, an emotion, a sensation, I don't know what it is, but it's missing. It was there my whole life. The whole time. And now it's gone. I know you probably can't imagine what I mean at all. But I seriously have no clue about it myself. I just know it's not there.

I've been in this weird limbo state for so long I can barely remember what life used to be like. But it was definitely better than this.

I tried to stop taking my meds and that definitely helped me feel something again. But the hallucinations were so bad that I had to start again. I fucking hate this. I swear, if I had the chance to go back to the absolute misery I felt before this I'd take it without a second thought. Depression is so much better than whatever this is.

All the urgency, passion and everything else I used to have is gone. I feel trapped. I can't go back or forwards. I'm trapped. Stuck in this is hell.

And it's not even my fault. If my ex never got me to do weed, ecstasy and all the other shit none of this would've happened. I'm so pissed at him. I wish we never met.

Somebody, please just say something. Anything to keep me going. I wanna give up so fucking bad.

Dont give up. I can relate with the weed/ drug use element. When I stopped weed ect, I felt really empty and ended up medicating with anti depressants and alcohol. I stopped the drink by default, as i developed really bad stomach issues. I then felt empty again. I think the emptiness is underlying issues, but getting some support and doing things you like doing can help. Try to get into just one thing, doesnt matter if its an expensive hobby or maybe some volunteering, just throw yourself into something.
What do you like to do?

Idk. I mostly just listen to music. It's the only thing I really like. I used to be in an archery club and that was fun, but I moved to a small town a while ago and there's nothing like that here. Also I played video games and read books but I don't have the motivation to do that anymore. Everything is just exhausting.

Any other clubs in your area?, if you've managed to get involved in something before, I'm sure you'll be able to get involved again. Most of the activities you said are solo, might be good if you look at something you do as a group? You like other sports, boxing? martial arts?, Anything like that?

I also see from your profile picture, you like song writing? Anything you can do with that interest?

Nope, there's really not much of anything in this town. I checked, there aren't any clubs I'm even remotely interested in.

I went to a boulder place a couple years back and it'd be cool to go to one again but the closest one is like 6km away. I live in a group home and my caretakers barely have the time to drive me there.
About the songwriting, there isn't that much I can or would like to do. It's a solo thing for me. I know there's songwriting and stuff like that but I'm a very introverted person.

I do go to a club for LGBTQ people sometimes but that's all the social interaction I can handle. Anything else is too much for me. I don't think there's a lot I can do sadly.

Are you referring to bouldering/climbing?
Is there anyone else in the group home who is interested in it? If so, maybe the carers would be willing to drive 2 or 3 you to the area.
Some gyms have climbing walls, but you said you live in a small town so I dunno if that would be available.

I meant songwriting groups it won't let me edit the comment for some reason.

Idk, I can try asking around if anyone else wants to go. Maybe I'll check out the gyms around here too. Thanks for the advice.

I would just try to be honest with yourself. Thats nothing wrong with not wanting to be around people but be careful you dont try to avoid people because you dont want to or struggle with inter personal relationships with people. 6 km isnt far, its walkable or to cycle, if you have or can get a push bike. When I was a teenager, id walk 6 km to get to my friend's house. Unless your not able to go out on your own, then you might have to work something out with your care givers. Good luck.

Thank you.

I'm not sure I'll say the right words, but I'll say at least some. Just start walking around a little bit. Find a pull-up bar and grab onto it with your hands. If you can pull yourself up, that's good. If not, just hold on with your hands.

I'm sorry it's been like that.

Your psychiatrist might be able to make some changes to the medication if it's intolerable. There might also be some other ways of treating this.

A simple thing to try is making tea out of Rosemary. That might not help much, but it's a simple DIY thing to try.

Good idea. For a while I drank various herbal teas. There are different collections of herbs, it is possible to choose for different cases.

@cinnnamonflakez

According to the article below, energy drinks can induce hallucinations, and I think you've mentioned drinking energy drinks.

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/are-energy-drinks-bad-for-you

Maybe if you stop drinking them, that would be enough to cure you.

Your psychiatrist might also be willing to adjust your meds. Maybe in principle a lower dose would still give you some beneficial antipsychotic effects without making you feel so numb.

Thanks may

You're welcome!