Empathy and Advice Welcomed Guilt about my ex

I don't know what to do. And I have no one in my life I can talk to about this. I broke up with my partner of over 5 years. Many of those years I stayed with him so he wouldn't hurt himself, or throw away his life and just quit his job, start drinking all the time, and other unhealthy things like that. Now he keeps saying he has nothing to live for, he has no reason to live, and he's going to end his life when I move out. I feel like a terrible person. I still love him, and I don't want to be the reason why he's no longer around. He's a real person. I've lost people in my life before, and I understand the permanence of death very well. I can't live with myself if I'm the reason why he does it. And I know he's not saying it just to get me back, he's serious. I don't know what to do. I feel so alone. I feel like there's no right option.

I'm not saying he won't harm himself if you don't go back. But maybe this will be the impetus for him to get help. Sounds like he's been troubled for a while, so obviously you staying around isn't "fixing" him. Ultimately, you have to build your own life, and he has to figure himself out. It sucks, but staying will only sink you both. Sorry you are dealing with this. It really isn't fair of him to put that on you.

Hi @PrincessMelancholy

I have been going through a complex breakdown in my long relationship, where they left me. I Have been wanting to commit suicide due to all pain I am experiencing.

However... If I did/do commit suicide or engaged in any unhealthy activities due to my inability to cope with the pain, this is on me and NOT on my previous person. I would suggest you do what is right for you and make that choice very clear in your head and to your ex. I would even suggest you write yourself a letter on your choice and the thinking of why your doing what your doing. If he did hurt himself you have the letter to read back on, as to why you made this decision.

It sounds like your not wanting to cut them off completely, so will still have them in your life - make sure you set clear boundaries.

The other thing to take on board, is he has said he would end his life if you moved out. How do you think he would feel if you said, your going to end your life if you stayed in the house with him.

When me and my previous had had a big emotional melt down over them leaving I was crying and overloaded, I grabbed 'something' and locked myself in the bathroom to self harm. I'm not proud of that moment as it can look like emotional black mail, it was a one off and I was extremely emotional.

So, I understand why he might say the things he does, but, it sounds like he is continuing to say these things, multiple times, this is emotional blackmail.

It is an interesting situation that you are both in, I would go as far as to say, your both in a power struggle with each other, and you are both trying to control each others behaviour.

He is trying to control your behaviour - not moving out.

You are trying to control his behaviour - by staying, to get him not to hurt himself.

This is why, he needs to focus on him and you on you. You can still be in each other lives, if you both think that's best.

Good luck.

Inastorm.

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Really great posts by @AlopexAngel and @Inastorm

A really great point made by Inastorm is that if he kills himself, it would be for his own reasons and not something he can blame on you. The threat is definitely emotional blackmail.

You could try directing him to SF, or to suicide hotline resources. Hopefully there's a way that he can get himself back together, but you're not responsible for what he does.

Inastorm and May71 have given you great advice. Your post really moved me; your concern for your ex really comes through. As long as you stayed with him, both of you would remain stuck in that rut, and that's no good for either of you. You have done a brave thing.

This could be manipulation or a real problem.
Are you responsible for this? Partly yes, but not entirely.
Can you help him? Maybe yes, maybe no. If you recommend a specialist or this forum to him, that would also be helpful.

You definitely shouldn't be somewhere you feel uncomfortable.