I must kill myself or else I live a life of evil

I've hurt someone very close to me, they're distant now, I'm afraid I wronged them so deeply, no matter how much they love, I can never forgive myself. You wouldn't possibly know this, but I'm and addicted and I hide it well, so well that plausible denibility is a virtue. However, ever time commit this mistake and use this vice, I betray the people I love, and I resemble a vicious murderer rather than a person who everbody else sees as quiet, gentle, and hardworking. At least that's what they say about me. But I don't it means anything, as I've thought very deeply on and have every reason to kill myself at the moment.

Therapy or medicine looks foolish, not only has it no effect on my situation, but the people behind it have done everything in their power to harm me, they let me bleed and rushed me out as soon as possible. They left me on a gurney for 18 hours by my self to suffer, no one bothered to help. They drugged me with the most useless pills and told me the most nonsensical drivel I've ever heard.

My family is dying, they grandparents I love I will never see again, the others are now senile. My uncles are in unemployed for years or stuck in some deserted town. My father is in so much pain, my mother is tired. Both are sick from cancer, and their bodies are broken. I had 3 other siblings, they've been deceased. I think I have no hope of starting a family, I can't control myself, I wouldn't be a good husband.

My friends have left, they were the only ones I had. The one I knew best, though would always report on me for what I said, he was so frightened when I talked to him. I don't many people besides you all can handle this.

Don't say I deserve better, right now that is the most meaningless statement I could hear. Don't say it will get better, I know I'll have to soldier through this for the rest of my life if I continue. Don't say professionals care, they certainly don't care for me. I'm lucky I don't have courage to kill myself.

I have felt similarly for years and years. I thought of myself as a monster. It only made sense to kill myself so as to stop the destruction I would otherwise inflict on people around me. I made a flailing attempt at suicide and failed. Failing at suicide feels about as bad as it sounds like it would. I then made a flailing attempt at making things better.

I read in your OP that you don't want to be told what to do or how to feel. This is a totally healthy perspective IMHO. With the express intention of only saying that it's possible to get better, I can say that I feel a little less terrible now than I did then. It's taken years of work that still continues. Progress is glacial, and has frequent setbacks. Nonetheless the trend goes upward, such that today's bad days are at a similar level to my average day 5 yrs ago.

Since it's getting better, I keep doing what works and working to discard what sets me back. I have occasional glimpses of something indescribable that tells me that life is neither bad nor good, and is constantly changing. An ancient philosopher named Epictetus put it best - "Men are disturbed not by things, but by the view which they take of them." For me, this is not something I can simply choose by recognizing the truth of it. Rather, it goes the other way around for me, such that I do the work to examine my views against the evidence of my experience. Eventually those views change. It's a lot of back and forth, but slow progress forward is a LOT better than rapid progress backward.

I'm sorry this happened.

If someone really loves you, killing yourself would be the worst thing you could do to them.

It's hard to comment on what's going on, since you're talking about this in non-specific terms of addiction, and having done something.
The healthcare system has failed you, I'm sorry it's been so bad. Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon result.

Even though the healthcare system has failed you it doesn't mean there's no way forward.
That's really awful. You and they are really going through a lot.
There's a long line of people who have been at rock bottom who somehow, and entirely to their surprise, bounce back. There's also a long line of people who don't bounce back.

You're not in a good position to be a husband or father at the moment, but things sometimes change. Things could either get better, worse, or stay the same. You're only 18, so there's no rush to worry about marriage and kids at the moment.

If you're a Christian, it might be helpful to remember the trials of Job. Maybe it would not be helpful, in which case please ignore this.
He was probably doing what he thought was the right thing to do, especially if you said things that made him think you were going to try to kill yourself. I hope you can forgive him.

Don't do it! We care about you