Venting no one takes me seriously i hate my brain 😭😭😭

it made me spiral. in order to feel okay with myself I must have these traits: absent minded, inattentive, internal logic, apathetic, thin, neurodivergent, asexual, thick hair
otherwise I feel great distress

do i romantice death because i am an attention seeker?

its weird how everything i am scared of having myself (attention seeking, dramatic, aggressive, childish, etc) i somehow idolise in others

i am looking for answers about myself in relation to the world around me

every time a stranger talks to me it hurts more than anything
every time i see a stranger that looks or dreses or behaves or talks like i wsnt to it hurts more than anything.

its not shallow. its because cognition determines your dress. thanks to internalised shame people that dissociate dress better than people who dont.

i feel as though some of my reddit posts are trolling MY post history

i'll nevrr pass as the person i want to be and that makes me so sad

compare "hair covering face with nose sticking out" with "only the nose is visible". he always surpassed me.
i hate the way i write. his is always betterm
he is one and only. if i surpass him in non simlikeness non sluglikeness, i feel paradise

paradise (life) = black void (death)
black void is dreams, not real life

hes the intuitive i wish i were. i am such a sensor in comparison.

every time i listen to music i imagine different versions of myself

comparing myself to people that resemble my ideal self more than i do hurts so much. i cant dismiss it as "dont compare yourself". it always has THAT VIBE. that reminds me of my brother.

i feel like a poser. feeling infantilised.

those two cunts that showed up at my house? was that the coppers?

if commander father is alive, he raises his daughter properly. if commander father dies, daughter gains love by imitating him, but in reverse.

me being bullied for traits I hate hurts.

"sims" isnt related to just typology or neurodivergence. you can barely describe it nonetheless feels more humiliating and infantilising than words can describe

myself: "Idk what clothes to wear that will actually make me pass both gender and typology"
them: "wear whatever you want no one cares"
i feel so dramatic

when i am riding a bike i feel fear whenever I see people. there is no escape. if you cycle past them you risk getting comments or reactions that make you feel upsetm if you cyclr away theyd take advantage

same old same old vague advixe
"these people on the internet don't know you"
"you sound so intelligent and well-spoken"
"that's what younger brothers do, pick on their siblings"
"youre very hard on yourself"
"you havsnt had the best start in life"
"its so brave of you to be so open and honest"

i must have a higher pain tolerancd because I make dissociation part of my identity

i feel so doomed. with time i will inevitable become mkre and mkre of everything i hate being: fat, attention seeking, uncool, sexualised, dramatic, irrational, hysterical, gluttonous, ugly, clingy, image-obsesed, immature, naive realist, normie, poser, pick me, panics easily

meanwhile all of gen z will become more and more the opposite

"interesting" is a euphemism for "youre a pick me. not as special as you think you are"
"reflective" is a euphemism for CPTSD rumination
"intelligent" is like being too boomer when you want to be gen z

What is preventing you from being the person you want to be?

So from what I gather, you desperately want to be like others, but attempting to do so is too painful.

The world is too distracting, it makes you absent minded, pushing through is too much effort.
The world is too much (too loud, too light, too close, too fast ect) so you have to be inattentive to compensate
The worlds logic is BS, so your own logic doesn't line up with it
You are too separate from what you wish you were, so you have to be apathetic because caring hurts too much
You are who you are, pretending to be other hurts, so you have to be true to yourself. Thin, neurodivergent, asexual and thick hair.

I get it, I think, this all sounds like a pretty intense form of Autism to me. I know because me too to, to a lesser extent, lesser enough that I thought I could just ignore it.

Being social is too chaotic and uncomfortable, but I did it anyway. It hurt.
The world is too loud and bright and close, but I partied and listened to loud music anyway. It hurt.
Wild emotions were too chaotic and exhausting, I forced myself anyway. It hurt.
Conversation is like mind slavery, letting their words full your head instead of your own. I listened anyway. It hurt.
Dressing and looking like them was not me, I did it anyway, no matter how self conscious or shamed I felt. It hurt.
Denying myself because I'm not normal is like a prison, I did it anyway, it hurt.
Understanding what they are was too much, I did it anyway despite the false starts and endless uncertainty. It hurt.

Over a couple decades I did this. It even got to the point that I forgot why I could always feel myself screaming inside my head, why everything felt wrong and fake, especially myself, why just living was pain. I got depression, my mantra was "can it be over now" on repeat in my head every waking moment.

I think I get it, why you cant just "be" what you're not. It takes endless work and sacrifice, and its not like you see them trying to bridge the gap by one damned centimetre. But its not impossible. My method was perhaps extremely harsh, and it nearly destroyed me. Im still picking up the pieces, though I am now making progress, however, I am now comfortable, even eager, being social. I enjoy loud music, truly. The mental explosion of letting all the world in is pleasurable. I am married and spend practically all my time around people. This all works because somewhere along the way I managed to build some form of mental buffer. It smooths the edges and makes being "normal" OK. When it comes to tolerating the difference between me being me, and me being new me, my patience is seemingly infinite... to a point. I have to also allow time for me to be real me. To do what I want to do myself, and be OK with its difference.

I think this buffer is the key, and if you can figure out how to build that buffer, maybe with short bouts of exposure therapy in specific areas at a time, you can slowly work towards being what you want to be without destroying who you are, like putting on an Instagram filter when you need it. Neurodivergent steps behind the camera, and a neurotypical shows up on screen.

One further point. It is very important to let some of your real self through the filter anyway, the filter should smooth the edges, not hide who you are. Asexual is not something that needs fixing, apathetic can be smoothed out to "Laid back", you don't need to be the opposite of who you are. And if you EVER feel overly dramatic, imagine the meltdown of a neurotypical trying to be neurodivergent all the time. THATS dramatic.

Also, sorry for the essay. I too have issues with how I present my thoughts online. All my social practice doesn't seem to translate to writing, so my verbal and written communication styles are drastically different. The Autistic Mask talks, the Autistic Types.