Alone and fed up

I never thought my life would end up this way but I guess I did stupid things and maybe karma is real.
I’m turning 40 in December. My husband left me four years ago. It hit me hard, the loneliness was so painful. I wanted to end it then, it was the closest I came but I didn’t go through with it. The year after, I lost three close family members in five months. One was my dad, and losing him was my biggest fear. It was pretty traumatic and all the deaths and funerals made me think about when it comes to my turn. I have one older sibling, neither of us have partners or kids and I am the youngest of a relatively small (and not very close) family. Imaging myself dying alone, the last family living family member with no one around me is a regular thought, and one that saddens me greatly.
All the while, I was having an affair with a married man (I know, I said I did stupid things). He ended it yesterday, after five years. The relationship was emotionally challenging, he loved his wife and although I didn’t ever want or expect him to leave her, it was a struggle being in love with someone who has a wife and kids and other priorities. Anyway, I put up with the negatives because the positives were good. I felt loved, he was very attentive and he made a lot of effort to see me. My insecurities were always an issue and I was always looking for reassurance. I pushed him too far and he ended it.
I don’t want to live anymore. I have suffered a lot of loss, I can’t deal with anymore. I loathe being alone. Being no one’s priority. I have nothing to get up for tomorrow. I just don’t see the point anymore. I hate myself and I am sad beyond words.
Single, Childless Woman Turning 40. What a mess.
Please, can anyone relate?

Hi @Jojo197

Welcome to SF

I can't relate myself, but there are probably others here who do
This is a caring and supportive community of individuals helping each other
This is a safe place

peace

Thank you @1Lefty
Thank you @1Lefty I don’t have anyone I can connect with in person about this subject and I came across this site. It seems like a nice place to be

Hi @Jojo197
Welcome to the forum. I can relate to elements, where I am currently dealing with the lost of a 25 or so year relationship, where I could never see this happening as I am still very much in love with them.

I have also lost my dad and am fairly on my own. My sister is nice but she handles things very differently to me.

I am about 6 months in and most days I want to end it, but haven't. All I can say really, is it is extremely painful but if I looked at each minute, the pain does go up and down, therefore the best thing to do is try and keep yourself busy, rather than method searching online.

This is a very good forum, where I have spent hours on here. Look after yourself, as you will feel a lot worse if you dont.

All that said, you'll probably see me writing about how I want to end it, it will be tough but good luck.

I found that my greatest fear, "being alone", turned out to be my greatest blessing. My husband and I have been separated for 4 years now, and after spending this time by myself, I realized that I don't even want anyone else. Not because I couldn't get someone. I could, if I wanted to. But I found that I don't want to. Yet, if you were to ask me if I ever thought such a possibility would come about 4 years ago, that I would be happy being by myself, I would never have believed it. However, it's not really being by myself because God is always with me. I only call it that, but I don't truly feel I am by myself, ever.

I feel the same as you, Aurelia. I have come to treasure my alone-ness. I cook and eat food I like, I watch the TV shows I like, I do what I like, and if I don't feel like taking out the garbage I don't have any asking me, "Why haven't you taken out the garbage?" After a lifetime spent as someone's daughter, girlfriend, wife, mother, it's so peaceful to be answerable to nobody but myself. I have a lot of people in my life whom I cherish, but I'm not interested in romantic love any more. I often forget it even exists.

Welcome aboard, this is a good place and folks to connect with. I hope that you will continue to post getting to know the forum.

Welcome.
On this forum, you will meet many women who will share their stories with you. I think you may even find friends or buddies here.
From a male perspective, I can say that we all experience some kind of loss during our lives. I will also be 40 in December. Looking back on my life, I try to reinterpret loss as space that has been freed up for something more worthwhile.

@Inastorm thank you for sharing that. I know exactly what it’s like breaking up from a long term relationship and I can now see that all break ups feel the same - crushing and devastating. If you would ever like to talk more then know I am here. I think it helps a lot when someone can relate to the circumstances. I’ll be thinking of you, and I hope we can stay in touch

Hi @Aurelia, thank you. My husband and I separated four years ago and it was incredibly difficult at the start. It has gotten easier with time, but I guess having an affair partner meant i still had someone and I never fully experienced aloneness. I know the affair was wrong and it caused me heartache, but I felt I couldn’t end it and face the reality of having nobody.
Have you always been close to god or was it something you turned to after the break up?

Hi @Gard thank you, and it’s nice to have a male perspective. This forum definitely seems like a positive space and I am glad I found it. Everyone is very kind and friendly.
Can I ask, have you ever felt lonely? Or isolated? I think that’s my biggest problem. I want so badly to be loved, and to give love, and without it I feel like there is no way I can be happy. I am surrounded other couples and families and people enjoying a major part of life that I don’t have - love. I find it very difficult.

40 Is the new 20 please be kind to yourself we are here for you

Your emotions are valid. It is okay to feel everything that you are feeling. Nurture yourself, comfort yourself. That may mean that first you need to scream, cry, laugh, be angry, be numb. Stay in bed if you need to.

We allow societal “expectations” to create norms that are not a one size fits all lifestyle.

Who told you that wholesomeness is being a partner or parent?

Even if that is your desire, YOU get to dictate what that entails for you.

Aloneness is peacefulness. And you are the narrator and author of that even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Maybe instead of looking at the situation dreadfully, try to find the opportunity in it.

What are hobbies that you may enjoy that you’ve postponed in part because of the romance you had?

Try to find something meaningful and enjoyable to engage in until you heal mentally and emotionally from your loss.

Imagine inner peace and awareness that will allow you to have healthy relationships, higher standards, enjoyment, laughter, create pleasant memories.

We often choose to grieve and mourn loss but what if we embrace and reminisce of all the wonderful memories we’ve experienced with someone.

What happens if we reprogram our thinking and find goodness where we were conditioned to believe there should be sorrow.

I wish you the best as you find healing self worth and inner strength to overcome your anguish.

Please, don't continue to punish yourself for the affair. You've mentioned several times to us that you know it was wrong, and I feel like that is probably due to guilt or fear of being judged, or both. Well, you don't have to feel guilty. Nor fear judgment. I learned that over time, also. The Lord will always forgive you, regardless of what you've done, if you repent just once. You may remember what Jesus said about the woman who committed adultery, and the townspeople wanted to condemn and stone her. Jesus said, "Whichever one of you have never sinned before, let him throw the first stone". It also says in the Bible, "Judge not, lest ye be judged". In other words, whoever tries to judge or condemn you for your actions, will have judgement and condemnation reign upon them because they have also sinned. That is why, do not be afraid to speak your truth about your past mistakes. No one has the right to criticize you for them. Judgement belongs solely to God, but we can escape judgement through repentance and belief in Christ.

As far as your question, I technically believe that I was always close to God, but I didn't know it for 32 years of my life. He knew, but I didn't, because I claimed that I was agnostic. And see, He speaks to me all the time. Even just now, I was about to start feeling guilty and almost wrote "because I claimed that I was agnostic, which I am ashamed of". But I stopped myself, because He reminded me that I've repented for this more than once, and that who I am now is what is most important. But yes, I started living for Christ when I was 32 and I am almost 36 now in a couple of weeks. It was after my husband and I separated, but that wasn't why I started believing in Him. Many things happened during that time that convinced me of the existence of evil, and I still believe that I probably experienced some sort of spiritual attack. I was experiencing hallucinations and nightmares that were pure evil. I dreamt of hell, had demonic visions, heard demonic voices, etc. And even my unbelieving mind knew at the time that the only solution was to turn to God. And now that I have a very close relationship with Him, I am glad for all my troubles that led me to where I am currently with Him always by my side. Granted, He already was, but now I know it, and I can never un-know it again, which I am grateful for because that was a very miserable time when I didn't know.

Of course, yes. I think we've all felt lonely and isolated at some point.
But now I avoid relationships. I'm a little afraid of them because they cause pain. But sometimes I think of them as something that will happen soon anyway. Simply because when I walk down the street, I see women looking at me, I see them fixing their hair. Some even lick their lips. So I understand that women like me. But for now, I avoid it.
You can use these techniques to attract male attention. Someone will definitely want to get to know you, and you will have the opportunity to express your love and accept love.

Sending hugs if you would like hugs Jojo