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sadhart

sadhart

SF Supporter
#1
#1
I keep being away from here for long periods of time, only to come back just to say how bad I feel. But I think I'm done soon. There's yet another realization that I am just too broken and inept to connect with others. I try and I fail and it hurts.

The subject of wanting to "give up" is so hard. I feel like a coward as I clearly in all these years never fully gone through with it. And I hate myself for it. But I hate life and living so much as well. Last night, I dared to try going to the movies only to be met with sheer madness outside in my area. So many cars and people were everywhere. Apparently, it was decided to have a big fireworks show on the 3rd rather than on the 4th for whatever reason. I drove right the hell back around, but the reality was that all that chaos that I saw...was completely normal. People everywhere, sardine parking next to one another is how people connect and get along in life. I am the one that is broken and flawed.

On an even more personal note, without going into all the details, I had been sort of talking to someone from a dating app for about a month, but she lost interest, as what usually happens. I know what I would need to do to keep it going, but I don't know I can do so. But it's just a painful reminder of again, how broken I truly am.

So....I don't know what else to really say. I am hoping I can really end this pain soon. Because I'm tired of hurting so much and it being in vain. You know...I have over seven years of sobriety, and I think I feel worse now than I did at my lowest point when I was drinking. I think that really speaks volumes. Sorry for rambling.
 
seabird

seabird

meandering home
SF Supporter
#4
#4
Keep posting @sadhart. To see your name on the recent posts made me glad you are still fighting but knew it meant you're feeling very low. While it looks like 'everybody' loves crowds and noise, actually there are lots of us who do not. Hard to find each other, partly due to our natures. I hope you are going to find someone good-hearted like yourself.
 
1964dodge

1964dodge

Has a monkey as a friend
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#5
#5
sadhart said:
I keep being away from here for long periods of time, only to come back just to say how bad I feel. But I think I'm done soon. There's yet another realization that I am just too broken and inept to connect with others. I try and I fail and it hurts.

The subject of wanting to "give up" is so hard. I feel like a coward as I clearly in all these years never fully gone through with it. And I hate myself for it. But I hate life and living so much as well. Last night, I dared to try going to the movies only to be met with sheer madness outside in my area. So many cars and people were everywhere. Apparently, it was decided to have a big fireworks show on the 3rd rather than on the 4th for whatever reason. I drove right the hell back around, but the reality was that all that chaos that I saw...was completely normal. People everywhere, sardine parking next to one another is how people connect and get along in life. I am the one that is broken and flawed.

On an even more personal note, without going into all the details, I had been sort of talking to someone from a dating app for about a month, but she lost interest, as what usually happens. I know what I would need to do to keep it going, but I don't know I can do so. But it's just a painful reminder of again, how broken I truly am.

So....I don't know what else to really say. I am hoping I can really end this pain soon. Because I'm tired of hurting so much and it being in vain. You know...I have over seven years of sobriety, and I think I feel worse now than I did at my lowest point when I was drinking. I think that really speaks volumes. Sorry for rambling.
Click to expand...
*sadhug*console*shake
 
sadhart

sadhart

SF Supporter
#6
#6
I feel like I just am supposed to accept that I have a job and my own place and that is enough. Apparently, because "others have it worse than me" I am supposed to just be happy. Yet, I'm not. And I'm honestly not sure how to be at this point. I guess that is why I've been thinking about giving up more again. I just feel like I'm supposed to just watch other people have and want more in life and just be happy for them or something. And no...that actually sounds miserable to me.

Sorry for being selfish.
 
G

Gard

Well-Known Member
#7
#7
sadhart said:
I feel like I just am supposed to accept that I have a job and my own place and that is enough. Apparently, because "others have it worse than me" I am supposed to just be happy. Yet, I'm not. And I'm honestly not sure how to be at this point. I guess that is why I've been thinking about giving up more again. I just feel like I'm supposed to just watch other people have and want more in life and just be happy for them or something. And no...that actually sounds miserable to me.

Sorry for being selfish.
Click to expand...
This is a good reason to be happy, try to feel it more.
Just for comparison: I have been living in a rented apartment for 11 years after I lost my home when the war in Ukraine started in 2014. I don't have a job right now. Drones are often blown up in the sky. When this happens during my walks, it is especially scary. Recently, two missiles hit a couple of kilometers away from me, killing about 50 civilians.
But I still go for walks, and I'm still alive. And I even enjoy life a little bit.
 
1964dodge

1964dodge

Has a monkey as a friend
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#8
#8
sadhart said:
I feel like I just am supposed to accept that I have a job and my own place and that is enough. Apparently, because "others have it worse than me" I am supposed to just be happy. Yet, I'm not. And I'm honestly not sure how to be at this point. I guess that is why I've been thinking about giving up more again. I just feel like I'm supposed to just watch other people have and want more in life and just be happy for them or something. And no...that actually sounds miserable to me.

Sorry for being selfish.
Click to expand...
you are not being selfish. if we have the basics like a job and a roof over our head, food etc. we should be grateful because we do have it better than a lot of people. that being said it's healthy to always want more, to have things better, that's how we get ahead. i have a dream car but it will cost about a quarter mill but i'm happy with what i have, my 64 dodge. even though i'm happy with it i want to make it better as much as i can afford each year.

in my opinioin maybe you should start a short list of things that you want. start with impossible dreams like my car and work down to achievable targets. try to not obsess with what you can't or probably can't have and focus on what is possible. you deserve more than you have and every day you live you stand a better chance of getting things you want

mike....*hug*shake
 
Licorice

Licorice

Well-Known Member
#9
#9
sadhart said:
I feel like I just am supposed to accept that I have a job and my own place and that is enough. Apparently, because "others have it worse than me" I am supposed to just be happy. Yet, I'm not. And I'm honestly not sure how to be at this point. I guess that is why I've been thinking about giving up more again. I just feel like I'm supposed to just watch other people have and want more in life and just be happy for them or something. And no...that actually sounds miserable to me.

Sorry for being selfish.
Click to expand...
You're not selfish. You're normal.

I agree with 1964dodge that you should make a list of things you want, and then start working towards getting them, starting with the most achievable. I suspect the trick to a more fulfilled life is to have goals, and it's the working towards those goals that gives us satisfaction. Once we attain a goal, we have to set up a new one.
 
VioletDawn

VioletDawn

SF Supporter
#10
#10
Hi @sadhart, I saw your post and so much of what you said resonated with me. The struggle to end our suffering, the inability to connect with others. Seeing everyone living their lives in a way that feels inexplicably alien is really hard.

I also hate being out in crowded places. Right now in my city, there are lots of summer concerts. The trains get really crowded with people all laughing and talking excitedly, looking forward to the events they're attending. I'd love to have that kind of life, going to fun gigs and stuff... or I would if the thought of that didn't strike a cold clammy kind of fear into my heart.

It's much easier to see the extroverted "joined up" people. The introverts are there too, though if they're anything like me, they're the ones huddled in the corner, looking at their shoes.
 
ChrisT

ChrisT

New Member
#11
#11
Hey man, sorry you feel that way...
I'm not judging you, and I can’t possibly grasp what you’re going through — but I know that there’s a dark place in everyone, even in the people who look happy.


I'm 31 right now, and I’m struggling through life too. No money, no girl, no status. Just a bit of cash to keep me going for a few weeks, and yeah... I’m being supported by my parents (which sucks, right?).


Apparently, I have a marijuana addiction — though I don’t even smoke that much, but I do like it.
Trying to get jobs has been tough, man. I don’t know... I just can't stand people and their fucking shenanigans for 8 hours a day, only to go home feeling miserable.


Cutting back on alcohol is my priority now.


But you know what? I keep going. I keep pushing forward — all the way to the fucking end.
Because that’s what warriors do, man. A soldier moves through fire and blood.


And I don’t mean that in a cheesy, motivational-speech kinda way — I just recently got a new perspective on life.


So fuck it.
Let’s see what happens, right?


And if you’re reading this, man — just know that you’re not alone in this hell.
We’re all stumbling through the smoke, trying to find something that feels like peace. So take a breath. Don’t give up.
You’re a fighter, whether you feel like it or not. And I’m rooting for you — real talk.
One step at a time, bro. We’ll both make it out of this damn fire.
 
sadhart

sadhart

SF Supporter
#12
#12
Gard said:
This is a good reason to be happy, try to feel it more.
Just for comparison: I have been living in a rented apartment for 11 years after I lost my home when the war in Ukraine started in 2014. I don't have a job right now. Drones are often blown up in the sky. When this happens during my walks, it is especially scary. Recently, two missiles hit a couple of kilometers away from me, killing about 50 civilians.
But I still go for walks, and I'm still alive. And I even enjoy life a little bit.
Click to expand...
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this kind of horror. For me, trying to appreciate life despite the bad has created this jaded feeling. Like,am I supposed to pretend that everything is okay despite the bad? I remember once trying to do that for three weeks and every week so many things would happen to finally I just couldn’t hang on to what little optimism I had.


Anyway, sorry, I know my struggles are nothing compared to yours. I want to at least try to work on appreciating the small pleasures.
 
sadhart

sadhart

SF Supporter
#13
#13
1964dodge said:
you are not being selfish. if we have the basics like a job and a roof over our head, food etc. we should be grateful because we do have it better than a lot of people. that being said it's healthy to always want more, to have things better, that's how we get ahead. i have a dream car but it will cost about a quarter mill but i'm happy with what i have, my 64 dodge. even though i'm happy with it i want to make it better as much as i can afford each year.

in my opinioin maybe you should start a short list of things that you want. start with impossible dreams like my car and work down to achievable targets. try to not obsess with what you can't or probably can't have and focus on what is possible. you deserve more than you have and every day you live you stand a better chance of getting things you want

mike....*hug*shake
Click to expand...
Yeah, it's hard to see big goals right now. But maybe one goal I have and it's kind of dumb,is going to this place called yogi bears honey fried chicken. There is only one location left and I guess it would be like a mini road trip. Maybe that would be two goals as I want to try traveling a little more as well. I don't know...It’s something I would like to try doing between now and the end of the year.
 
sadhart

sadhart

SF Supporter
#14
#14
VioletDawn said:
Hi @sadhart, I saw your post and so much of what you said resonated with me. The struggle to end our suffering, the inability to connect with others. Seeing everyone living their lives in a way that feels inexplicably alien is really hard.

I also hate being out in crowded places. Right now in my city, there are lots of summer concerts. The trains get really crowded with people all laughing and talking excitedly, looking forward to the events they're attending. I'd love to have that kind of life, going to fun gigs and stuff... or I would if the thought of that didn't strike a cold clammy kind of fear into my heart.

It's much easier to see the extroverted "joined up" people. The introverts are there too, though if they're anything like me, they're the ones huddled in the corner, looking at their shoes.
Click to expand...
Sorry you are familiar with similar feelings.

It may be a mistake, but after work, I'm planning to see the new fantastic four movie in imax 3d. I usually go to the movies during times there aren't many people. Not only that, I'm not sure how bad work may be today. I guess I'm saying all of that because I am trying not to let the fear of crowds and stuff stop me from experiencing certain things I want in life, even though that's hard.
 
sadhart

sadhart

SF Supporter
#15
#15
ChrisT said:
Hey man, sorry you feel that way...
I'm not judging you, and I can’t possibly grasp what you’re going through — but I know that there’s a dark place in everyone, even in the people who look happy.


I'm 31 right now, and I’m struggling through life too. No money, no girl, no status. Just a bit of cash to keep me going for a few weeks, and yeah... I’m being supported by my parents (which sucks, right?).


Apparently, I have a marijuana addiction — though I don’t even smoke that much, but I do like it.
Trying to get jobs has been tough, man. I don’t know... I just can't stand people and their fucking shenanigans for 8 hours a day, only to go home feeling miserable.


Cutting back on alcohol is my priority now.


But you know what? I keep going. I keep pushing forward — all the way to the fucking end.
Because that’s what warriors do, man. A soldier moves through fire and blood.


And I don’t mean that in a cheesy, motivational-speech kinda way — I just recently got a new perspective on life.


So fuck it.
Let’s see what happens, right?


And if you’re reading this, man — just know that you’re not alone in this hell.
We’re all stumbling through the smoke, trying to find something that feels like peace. So take a breath. Don’t give up.
You’re a fighter, whether you feel like it or not. And I’m rooting for you — real talk.
One step at a time, bro. We’ll both make it out of this damn fire.
Click to expand...

I'm trying to see it that way. I know to keep going can feel good to some extent. I think I just get overwhelmed and discouraged easily.

Anyway, I'm sorry that you're struggling. I hope you're able to get to a better place in your life soon.
 
sadhart

sadhart

SF Supporter
#18
#18
You know, I really hate my life and I hate how I don't see any hope in my life. And I can't tell anyone this as doing so will lead to be locked up like a criminal.

I want to find a way to end this. I'm afraid but I'm also tired of living with so much pain and doing so in vain.
 
may71

may71

mr. may
#19
#19
sadhart said:
I feel like I'm not contributing much here
Click to expand...
If you're suicidal, you're not expected to make any contributions. Contributing to the community is something to do if you feel like it and you're able to do it without bringing yourself down. It would be wrong for any pressure to be put on you to try to help anyone else when you're suicidal.

sadhart said:
it's the same feeling of disconnection I feel currently with groups like AA
Click to expand...
Do you what to say what's making you feel disconnected? It's ok if you don't want to, but it might help me understand what you mean.
 
seabird

seabird

meandering home
SF Supporter
#20
#20
@sadhart Telling us how you feel seems to connect us, though it's not in person. To me it's a contribution because knowing others understand where I'm stuck with my own journey helps me to not give up. Sorry, I know that sentence needs an edit, hope you know what I mean.

I remember a friend of mine who went to AA for a long time having to change meetings. I think he said he didn't feel comfortable with how the meeting had been run. He found a new group which suited him better.

(h) if it helps
 
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