Oh shut, here we go again

Hello Vanilla 🐰

I am sorry that you find yourself in such a headspace, dreading the very existence of life.

You are pretty. Beauty goes beyond physical looks.

You are smart. You have the mental ability to articulate your thoughts and emotions.

You are brave. You have enrolled in school despite your concerns and anxiety. You chose to express yourself instead of holding your frustrations within.

You are perseverant. You have made a decision to put forth effort to accomplish something even though you are afraid.

College can be challenging. You can pace yourself and not take on too many credits and also not elect several time consuming courses in 1 semester. If you have challenges, utilize the services offered. Before semester begins, speak with disability services (if you have a disability like [social] anxiety disorder, depression, hard time concentrating, etc.) Even if you only use these resources for a semester until you’re more confident about your study habits.

You don’t have to know it all now. Allow yourself time to learn what to do and what you’re supposed to do. Life is trial and error and you will learn from your failures and challenges you face.

From my experience, I have felt unhappy after hanging out with someone who seems to have their life in order. But we should be motivated by their successes and not comparing ourselves to where they are in their life goals. So maybe look at it from a different perspective if you can.

Maybe set smaller goals for yourself that is attainable and celebrate the those milestones.

Examples:

Text yourself good morning beautiful 3 days a week.

Challenge yourself to think of 1 word to describe your mood that day - then look up the antonyms of that word and find where you fit in.

All I am suggesting is speaking positive affirmations to yourself in spite of how you feel.

I wish you the best at overcoming your fears and finding the courage to move forward even as you have doubts.

Warning, I am going to be positive, and saying in advance: I don't want to invalidate how hard and sad things are for you right now. I'm sorry for what's making you feel so low. Life can be so strange and rough. Wanting to disappear is natural when fear and stress gets too much. I don't know you personally, but I've been in similar feelings as you've described. I hope that despite the fear and self-recrimination, that you go ahead to start university. It'll be hard sometimes but if you take it slowly, and do a little at a time, by and by you'll get through. You'll find changes that feel scary at first, then less so, and then you get used to new things.

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Hola, tanto tiempo sin verlos.
Creo que habia podido estar sobrellevando un poco las cosas, me mantenia ocupada para seguir adelante, pero no estoy tan bien como pensaba.
En realidad pienso que soy una gran fracasada patetica.
Estoy a punto de entrar a la universidad (a distancia) (muy loco para mi yo de hace un año que pensaba que quizas nunca podría volver) se que ahora será una modalidad diferente pero estoy muy asustada, no se si hice una buena elección y siento que no voy a poder, que sera mucho para mi.
En general siento que la vida es mucho para mi, hay dias que me encuentro tan desesperada porque no se que estoy haciendo, no se que se supone que debo hacer y el tiempo pasa y me siento tan pequeña.
Hoy sali con una amiga y lo horrible y triste es que siempre que regreso de una salida, tengo mas ganas de matarme que nunca.
Y no es por ella, yo soy el maldito problema. Me pingo a pensar en todo lo que he hecho mal y lo dañada que estoy. Odio que el miedo me ha frenado tanto y no soy capaz de enfrentarlo. Ademas cada dia me siento tan drenada de energia, me he quedado dormida haciendo algunos examenes diagnósticos para este ingreso a la escuela y pienso que no, no puedo jaja la vida es mucho para mi, soy tonta y cobarde y no puedo ofrecerle nada a nadie.
Me siento mal por mis papás por tener una hija tan fracasada como yo, que solo piensa en matarse, no quiero preocuparlos pero no pienso lograr estar mejor
Siento que todo es demasiado para mi.
No soy bonita, ni inteligente, ni valiente, ni perseverante
No soy nada y solo quisiera desaparecer

1.577 / 5.000
Hi, it's been a long time since I've seen you.
I think I've been able to cope a little, keeping myself busy to keep going, but I'm not as well as I thought.
I actually think I'm a huge, pathetic failure.
I'm about to start college (distance learning) (very crazy for me from a year ago, who thought I might never be able to go back). I know it'll be a different option now, but I'm so scared. I don't know if I made the right choice, and I feel like I won't be able to, that it'll be too much for me.
In general, I feel like life is too much for me. There are days when I feel so desperate because I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing, and time flies, and I feel so small.
Today I went out with a friend, and the horrible and sad thing is that every time I come back from an outing, I feel more like killing myself than ever.
And it's not because of her; I'm the damn problem. I start thinking about everything I've done wrong and how damaged I am. I hate that fear has held me back so much, and I'm unable to face it. Plus, every day I feel so drained of energy. I've fallen asleep while taking some diagnostic tests for this school entrance, and I think, no, I can't do it. Haha, life is too much for me. I'm stupid and a coward, and I can't offer anything to anyone.
I feel bad for my parents for having such a failure of a daughter like me, who only thinks about killing herself. I don't want to worry them, but I don't think I'll ever get better.
I feel like everything is too much for me.
I'm not pretty, or smart, or brave, or perseverant.
I'm nothing, and I just want to disappear.

I am so sorry you're feeling so much. You're not alone in feeling this , so many things you have mentioned I have felt it too. You will get through this. It's a quote from a book " one foot infront of the other " just do that. I know things are way easier to say than done especially when you're going through so much pain but I want to believe you will get through this. I understand your pain and for whatever reason it is there , it's valid but I wish you good and I truly hope you will get through this.

Can you talk with your parents about this? Maybe they don't think you are a failure as you think you are.

I'm so grateful. It helps me to know I'm not the only one who feels/has felt this way.
I'm so scared. I'm scared of death, but also of life. I feel like it's too much for me.
Any difficult situation makes me lose my mind, and I feel so stupid.
I want to run away from everything or disappear.