More alone than ever

I’ve thought suicide was inevitable for me, but the last few days I feel like I can see the end. I feel like I’m humiliating myself writing this post even though this is anonymous. If I would find out someone here knows who I am in real life, I would kill myself in a second with no hesitation.

I feel so stupid and embarrassed writing this. I drove a few hours to visit my parents because I said I would a while ago. It was supposed to be for 1 night, but then I got stuck for another night because my car broke and was in the shop. My dad started badgering and belittling me because it came up that I had mentioned to my Mom a while back that I had been taking an antidepressant and I said that it’s private and that I didn’t want to talk about it. He wouldn’t let it go and kept saying I shouldn’t be depressed and got mad that I was refusing to explain what I’m so depressed over that I need to take a pill for. So then he just starts saying “is it (blank)?”. I kept saying I’m not talking about it. He didn’t care and after listing like 10 things, he says “what do you not have any friends at work? Do you not have friends outside work? Can you name one friend?”. I was already crying but that pushed me over the edge. My car was still in the shop so I just got up, didn’t say anything, and walked out the door. I walked for several hours straight in the forest far from any sort of trails. I didn’t see a soul and sat crying for hours until it was pitch black. It was so deep that someone would have to get very lucky to find me. The only thing I had was my phone which was dead back when I started walking. If I had a < mod edit - method > either a pen with some paper or enough power to write something on my phone, I wouldn’t be here. So now everyone including my parents know I’m a fucking loser and embarrassment and look down on me. I feel more alone now than when I was sobbing in the forest.

Your dad's an insensitive jerk to a degree that's incredible. I don't think he could have made things even worse if he had been trying to.

If anyone looks down on you, they don't have a good reason to. A lot of people are depressed.

Please be gentle with yourself.

I think things can get better for you, you just have to find a way to stay safe until you can get better.

i agree with @may71 your dad is an insensitive jerk. if a parent learns of an adult child taking depression or anxiety meds they should offer to talk but not push the issue, and before the child leaves remind them they can always talk about anything. what your dad did was inexcusable.

you should not feel embarassed in any way and suicide is never inevitable. please keep trying and don't let your dad upset you.

mike....

The only thing I keep thinking is that he is right. I don’t have a single person. I don’t understand people. I feel like I screw up everything. I feel like everyone I come in contact with hates me, thinks I’m stupid, and makes fun of me. I believe those 3 things are true, but it doesn’t matter if they even are because perception is my reality. I’m a failure in every sense. I feel like my brain is against me and subconsciously makes everything worse so it makes suicide an easier decision. I struggle with the easiest tasks. I feel like my brain has conditioned itself to hate myself and it’s been going on for so long that there’s not enough time to undo the damage, if it’s even possible at all. I can think of a million reasons why me being gone would be better than not being gone, and not a single reason to stay. The closest kind of reason to stay would be my Mom would be upset, but the more I think about it, I feel like it would be upsetting initially, but overall, it would be less upsetting because she wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore. After this last week, I know she will worry everyday no matter what I say, so if I was gone then I would be helping her by taking away the stress of worrying for the rest of her life.

Your dad is so incredibly toxic, I can't help but think that being raised by him undermined your self esteem and ability to relate to other people. Maybe if you can unlearn some of the negative patterns, you'll be able to see things differently.

I don't think that's true at all. Maybe ask someone who has lost a child to suicide, they'll tell you. It's really the worst thing that can happen to someone (there have been actual studies that show that death of a child is the worst life stressor one can have, worse than divorce, loss of a job, ect.).

I don't think I could possibly explain how bad it would be for her.

oh wow, this was exactly what i used to think down to t. See ever since i was a kid i was more i called it a depressive state but it really was emotionally gray state. i didn't not get ppl, ss i had high pride in myself i do, i am my very own shining light but sadly, as far socializationment i can understand what ppl say and feel but dont get them. i cant never truly collect and it built up cu i emotionally isolated myself. Turns out how fun for me thats my color of adhd + autism combo. It sucks cuz as i grew it escalated where my body would go into freeze mode and keep scresming from inside not be able to act, stop a act when i wanted to. academically i struggled with math really badly toom


for me death was escapism, pnly thing holding me back was my mom worrying about a funeral and my dog missing me. But truly, i think ur dad is toxic asian parents things and that is NOT OKAY.


It DOES NOT MATTER what happened you matter, not everyone who meet you will have you. Know that 1 or 2 might actually hate you, because let's face it. not everyone likes everyone, and that's okay. I do not think you are stupid.
I believe you feeling humiliation about asking for help just means that you are doing your best, all you can by yourself and asking for your help is your last resort. nonetheless you are strong enough to ask for help for support. we are your reassurance, to let you know there are people who don't hate you, that wont demean you, and heck!

if i met you in real life and you told me you were depressed, id be like hey me too. looks like we are in this together now you wanna go get something to eat?

You deserve the same as the rest of us, to stay around in this life and be who you are, who you want to be despite the people that have been troubling you. Parents are sometimes really great but a lot of times they're just biological parents and not great to be around at all. I hope there was some part of the forest which was a tiny bit healing or peaceful for you. You and I share a trait in that I have problems with people too. Just seems like one starts thinking things might be peaceful and then words and actions bring all the peace crashing down. I wish I could help you out somehow, as the words I write feel inadequate @loneric . Please keep us posted, tell us how you're doing. Also I ask you to take good care of your self.

It was peaceful in the forest, but for the wrong reasons. In my head I kept playing out over and over every little detail that I could think of as a result of if I didn’t come back. I’m so mad at myself and feel incredibly guilty and like a bad person in regards to my Mom. I never should have said anything to her because now I’ve caused her pain that she has no control over and can’t do anything about since she lives far away. She’s going to worry every day for the rest of her life and it’s my fault. I also feel like a terrible person for passively thinking if she passed away, then the part of me that has given up would be relieved because she’s the only reason I am still alive. I also struggle with the idea that whenever she would pass, itvwould be my fault for being the reason behind the added stress of me being a burden.

People who really love you want to know what's actually going on. The worst thing you can do to someone who really loves you is not worrying them, it's not letting them love you. Telling someone who loves you what's really going on in your life no matter how painful it is is part of letting them love you.

@loneric It'd be good to let your mother know that you're worried about her too. That'd be one way to bring a little of the tension down.
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