Hi I'm a mid 20s woman from North America. I found this place looking for somewhere were I could safely express my thoughts and feelings. I am posting because I experienced a self harm relapse this week and I'm just tired of living in suffering and want to try talking with people who will understand. I have self harmed since I was 14, or maybe younger. Back then, the abuse I experienced at home drove me to cutting. Now I am an adult in a relationship trying to build a career. It feels like a double life where I go and pretend to have it all together, but my partner knows best how I'm barely managing staying alive. I also suffer from suicidal ideation. I still fully don't understand my own reasoning for self harm. It's like I just collapse under the weight of everything. Sometimes it feels like punishment for myself, other times a cry for help, and other times a reward. If that makes sense. I'm actually really really lucky and happy with my current job, I get to do something I enjoy which is a rare gift in this world. But going to work is still very hard for me because I'm so socially anxious. I spent 3 years working from home with extremely minimal interactions with others besides my partner and some of their family. After work, I often ruminate on all of my interactions and obsess over why I may be excluded. I wake up and don't want to exist or be seen by anyone, I just want to rot. It's a contradiction but knowing that doesn't help. My partner is negatively affected by my constantly swinging moods, crisis, and of course the self harm and suicidal thoughts affects them negatively as well. I want to feel better, but I've had no luck with medical professionals. Therapists told me I was too difficult. Often when I would come to appointments it was painful to expose myself to a stranger and it felt like they never understood what I was saying to them. Why I wanted help. Always awkward never helpful. Last time they told me they thought I was autistic but that they (and no one else they could refer me to) could help me with that. Research led me to think that was likely accurate and could explain difficulties with conventional therapy and reciprocal communication with a therapist. A year later I tried again, with an autistic therapist I found online through zoom. It all felt pointless and I never felt better after sessions. After that (around 2021) I gave up. Increased agoraphobia ensued and I haven't had the spirit to try again. Then this last March my best friend suddenly passed away due to complications from her mild COVID infection. I miss her so much and I'm horrified by the injustice of what happened to her. I feel so much more alone in this world. I'm suffering. Every day. It takes such a toll on my partner who I love so much which compounds it all and makes me feel like a burden. Sometimes I feel like I'm in a place of all or nothing and once I eventually lose the things that have made my life have meaning (as opposed to my terrible abusive upbringing) like my partner, my cats, or my work that I will finally commit to ending it... Or maybe just the perception. Like sometimes when my partner and I argue I imagine we are at the end and it's inevitable we are going to break up and if that happens I just end my life. Circles like that. I don't know how to get better. I imagine I'm a complicated case and I wasn't able to get help from a doctor either. They just ask what I do for a living and when it seems like I'm functional enough, regardless of what I tell them, they just tell me to reduce work stress. When I told them what my therapist said about autism they say "you don't look autistic to me". I don't think autism is my primary problem, but it does affect my socializing and I am prone to being overwhelmed and having meltdowns. In combo with the suicidal thoughts and everything else it's probably a wild cocktail that it feels like no one understands or wants to deal with. My partner is so patient but we've been together for many years and I can see the compassion fading and the resentment growing stronger. Sometimes I think they deserve so much better. Sometimes I resent them for not handling it well enough, like when we argue and it doesn't feel fair. I keep spiraling in the middle of the night. I abuse substances to avoid spiraling in the middle of the day. I need help but it doesn't feel like help exists. I'm even willing to help myself, and I've made strides accommodating some of my needs and avoiding some triggers but it just ends there. Does it get better? Am I doomed because of who I was born in the care of? Am I going to lose the few things in this world that make me truly happy because my brain is permanently damaged from the abuse or fundamentally not functioning as it should? If you got this far thank you for reading.
I Came Here Looking for a Place to Express How I Feel Safely
- Thread starter Lilnug
- Start date
Welcome @Lilnug
You've found a good place to safely express how you feel
We're a compassionate, supportive community
We're people helping each other live, from self-harm or suicidal thoughts
There are others here on the autism spectrum,
I hope you'll keep posting and meet some of the understanding people here
peace
You've found a good place to safely express how you feel
We're a compassionate, supportive community
We're people helping each other live, from self-harm or suicidal thoughts
There are others here on the autism spectrum,
I hope you'll keep posting and meet some of the understanding people here
peace
Welcome to SF. We're glad to have you here. To answer your question, Yes things can get better. Despite how you were raised, there's always hope for things to get better as long as you stay alive. It sounds like you've had a tough time working with therapists and doctors. I find that looking for the right therapist is like looking for the right romantic partner. You have to find someone whose style fits what you're going through. I've had many therapists that were a piece of work. But I've also had a few that were excellent and me come to some deep realizations. Please don't give up looking for the right therapist. They're probably out there. I'm sorry you've had problems with self-harm. I went through a period where I self-harmed. I realized I did it to get my mind off things. So I started trying other alternatives such as holding ice in my hand and eating something spicy. Some people even flick themselves with a rubber band. I hope that things get better for you. And I hope to see you around SF. Just know SF is here for you.
Hello, @Lilnug - HI & welcome to Sf~ . . . Now, if I may ask - when you say you have been to a dr. are you talking about a specialist, such as a psychiatrist? If not, they may be better help you to assess, or address your situation, or find & refer you to someone who can. : ) I must say, I'm very impressed by the positive, and good things you've managed to achieve in this life, in spite of the horrible upbringing, and then with the many negative or difficult things which can come as a result, at least in part, to this both during your teen aged years; but then also, following you more to or into -- adulthood. How very frustrating, and demoralized, I'm sure, or so I'd imagine (as I haven't done nearly so much in my life, and I am a good two decades a head of You!) ... Now when you say that you believe your partner, for whom you seem to suggest, knows you quite well, and has stuck by your side for a really long time, seems to now be drifting, after seemingly, according to your perceptions, anyway -- no longer as interested in putting up with the struggles and the difficulties, which all come along in the total package, that is included in dating and in being with you? So: I'm not doubting you, not at all. What I am asking, is - have you asked him this? Point-blank, and directly? If you can, and think that he is capable of feeling not put on the back foot, or as if he was somehow unfairly challenged, and therefore, then--"attacked?" (which may yield no positive & truthful results) / but if you can sit him down & request to have w/him and open and honest discussion, in the hopes of learning what or how it is he truly feels about you. Something like, "I'm starting to get the impression that my moods & my ways, or habits and such, are beginning to become a bit of a bother, or a bore, to you... Or that you are now suddenly beginning to grow tired/weary of them - & perhaps that they are now reaching the territory of 'old hat,' as it were. Have I got any of this wrong? Please be truthful with me. Thank you, etc." (I mean, you'd obviously have to figure out what the best route or way in to this discussion, or talk is, and knowing him like & as well as you do - this should hopefully no doubt not be too difficult to try & find a way to best communicate with him that will not simply result in him feeling & being shut down - for instance, maybe you don't want to come out & point blank say it; but more just, subtly suggest, or hint at it... so that he gets the idea, and then can fill in the blanks on his own, on his account, and by his methods or means). Anyway, some kind of professional help should be in place to help you deal with your issues and dilemmas in regards both negative destructive repeated, or repetitive thoughts. There is a self-harm/help thread around the forum somewhere. Just don't ask me where? ; ) As I said, I'm pretty stupid. And I've been here for maybe more than just a minute... : D Once you can get an accurate assessment, and / or diagnosis, then you will be much better off at deciding how to go about tackling this things, none of which was your fault, either by the way. It all ties back to the beginning, and how you were raised, and then have had some things, some not so pretty & in fact mightily nasty & dare I even say, evil things, done to you. In other words, you didn't do them yourself. Somebody else did them to you. Now also, the way you go about self - analyzing every encounter, and then replaying it back in your mind, trying to find criticisms, or doubts. No doubt, here again, highly skeptical and most likely, to a pretty certain and severe degree, unreasonable, or inaccurate, when it comes to your subjective & overly highly negative opinion of yourself in these & almost all other, I'd be willing to guess, perhaps only varying by the manner or matter of degree, situations, or facets in life. These are obviously not overly heathy, nor helpful patterns of behavior and/or thought. But they can be helped, again, by getting in front of the right professional in order to be capable of handling such problems, for lack of a better... Some of those you've had, sounds like they've made, and then just passed, VERY LAZY judgements on you, and in their read, or reading of - You. So you've just got to hopefully get yourself in front of some of the ones who are just a bit better than that. And then, hopefully, just hopefully, a bit more well suited for you. Perfectly in an ideal world. But that isn't often the case. You'd just like to hope that it will be enough so, for you, to where you can be seen by the right type of mind, and then title, on business card/or degree hanging in framed wall behind their office desk, chair, et cetera~! (= I wish you all the best, and just let us know if you have any more questions. You've done a very great job thus far in at least explaining to all of us, very thoroughly, how your situation has been playing out, and then also, how it has been effecting you, and in some points, anyway, impacting your life in a fairly significant & prominent matter/manner (I can never tell which of these words is the appropriate one to use!). . : ) peacce, -mr.b
Welcome to SF @Lilnug
You are here, and that is a step in the right direction. Self regulating is simple for some people, as JDot suggested and for others it's got a few layers that need dealing with, before it is a learned behavior and smoother sailing.
You absolutely aren't doomed to rot. You've made all kinds of good things for yourself and they feel heavy when transitions happen. I think you've noticed a need for a transition.
I found an accupuncture therapist which turned out to be just right for some complicated stuff I deal with. I hope you find the right person for you.
hugs
You are here, and that is a step in the right direction. Self regulating is simple for some people, as JDot suggested and for others it's got a few layers that need dealing with, before it is a learned behavior and smoother sailing.
You absolutely aren't doomed to rot. You've made all kinds of good things for yourself and they feel heavy when transitions happen. I think you've noticed a need for a transition.
I found an accupuncture therapist which turned out to be just right for some complicated stuff I deal with. I hope you find the right person for you.
hugs
Hi mr.b, I thought I would answer some of your questions. Thank you for your thoughtful advice. First, I've been to licenced therapists (not psychiatrists) and regular general doctors to seek referrals for such a service as a psychiatrist and have not had luck. Not sure if I'm allowed to go without a referral but maybe I'm just confused about the process. Any recommendations on building my spirit and confidence to 1. Handle the bureaucratic work of figuring out making such an appointment and arranging my insurance and 2. Feel safe trying again? I agree if I try over and over again I could find someone but I'm scared of playing roulette again and need some confidence I think.
As for your observations, I think you are very astute. My partner and I have talked at length about this. It hurts my partner to feel that I don't trust them to support me, so the feelings I deal with and describe here are a self fulfilling prophecy. Knowing this does not help. Currently the biggest recurring problem is that he works from home and when I am struggling it distracts him from his work and drains his emotional energy. My guilt does not help with that, but we fight and I break down about it anyway. Similarly, my hyper vigilance about my work life causes real strain because it makes me awkward and hard to be around. It's very difficult.
Thanks again.
As for your observations, I think you are very astute. My partner and I have talked at length about this. It hurts my partner to feel that I don't trust them to support me, so the feelings I deal with and describe here are a self fulfilling prophecy. Knowing this does not help. Currently the biggest recurring problem is that he works from home and when I am struggling it distracts him from his work and drains his emotional energy. My guilt does not help with that, but we fight and I break down about it anyway. Similarly, my hyper vigilance about my work life causes real strain because it makes me awkward and hard to be around. It's very difficult.
Thanks again.
Hi mr.b, I thought I would answer some of your questions. Thank you for your thoughtful advice. First, I've been to licenced therapists (not psychiatrists) and regular general doctors to seek referrals for such a service as a psychiatrist and have not had luck. Not sure if I'm allowed to go without a referral but maybe I'm just confused about the process. Any recommendations on building my spirit and confidence to 1. Handle the bureaucratic work of figuring out making such an appointment and arranging my insurance and 2. Feel safe trying again? I agree if I try over and over again I could find someone but I'm scared of playing roulette again and need some confidence I think.
As for your observations, I think you are very astute. My partner and I have talked at length about this. It hurts my partner to feel that I don't trust them to support me, so the feelings I deal with and describe here are a self fulfilling prophecy. Knowing this does not help. Currently the biggest recurring problem is that he works from home and when I am struggling it distracts him from his work and drains his emotional energy. My guilt does not help with that, but we fight and I break down about it anyway. Similarly, my hyper vigilance about my work life causes real strain because it makes me awkward and hard to be around. It's very difficult.
Thanks again
As for your observations, I think you are very astute. My partner and I have talked at length about this. It hurts my partner to feel that I don't trust them to support me, so the feelings I deal with and describe here are a self fulfilling prophecy. Knowing this does not help. Currently the biggest recurring problem is that he works from home and when I am struggling it distracts him from his work and drains his emotional energy. My guilt does not help with that, but we fight and I break down about it anyway. Similarly, my hyper vigilance about my work life causes real strain because it makes me awkward and hard to be around. It's very difficult.
Thanks again
Hi mr.b, I thought I would answer some of your questions. Thank you for your thoughtful advice. First, I've been to licenced therapists (not psychiatrists) and regular general doctors to seek referrals for such a service as a psychiatrist and have not had luck. Not sure if I'm allowed to go without a referral but maybe I'm just confused about the process. Any recommendations on building my spirit and confidence to 1. Handle the bureaucratic work of figuring out making such an appointment and arranging my insurance and 2. Feel safe trying again? I agree if I try over and over again I could find someone but I'm scared of playing roulette again and need some confidence I think.
As for your observations, I think you are very astute. My partner and I have talked at length about this. It hurts my partner to feel that I don't trust them to support me, so the feelings I deal with and describe here are a self fulfilling prophecy. Knowing this does not help. Currently the biggest recurring problem is that he works from home and when I am struggling it distracts him from his work and drains his emotional energy. My guilt does not help with that, but we fight and I break down about it anyway. Similarly, my hyper vigilance about my work life causes real strain because it makes me awkward and hard to be around. It's very difficult.
Thanks again
As for your observations, I think you are very astute. My partner and I have talked at length about this. It hurts my partner to feel that I don't trust them to support me, so the feelings I deal with and describe here are a self fulfilling prophecy. Knowing this does not help. Currently the biggest recurring problem is that he works from home and when I am struggling it distracts him from his work and drains his emotional energy. My guilt does not help with that, but we fight and I break down about it anyway. Similarly, my hyper vigilance about my work life causes real strain because it makes me awkward and hard to be around. It's very difficult.
Thanks again
Okay - I may have more to say later, but I think you're doing a good job just doing the best that you can. Have seemed to analyze the situation well and from multiple angles. And yes, I should hope to then have some more to say in the future, if I can only remember to come back in here & check it out. Nothing revelatory, of course~ maybe just some more minor thoughts, input, or ideas (I hesitate to say, help?). But you get the drift, I hope. . . Just always hate to over-promise, and under-achieve. Even though: I do it so often! 
Take care.
As for your observations, I think you are very astute. My partner and I have talked at length about this. It hurts my partner to feel that I don't trust them to support me, so the feelings I deal with and describe here are a self fulfilling prophecy. Knowing this does not help. Currently the biggest recurring problem is that he works from home and when I am struggling it distracts him from his work and drains his emotional energy. My guilt does not help with that, but we fight and I break down about it anyway. Similarly, my hyper vigilance about my work life causes real strain because it makes me awkward and hard to be around. It's very difficult.
It's a cyclical thing, I think - the dynamic you've got with your guy there, where when things start to go wrong, or sideways with you. It affects him, which in turns sends that energy back onto you. And then you ... well, you already know! You do what you do, with the guilt, and the etc. / et cetera~* (but it can be stopped, changed-&/or altered). So fear not! What did J.F.K, say (or was it somebody else!), "Ask not... no, never mind; " forget that - "There is nothing to fear, but frear, itself!" VEry powerful, sometimes ture, sometimsse not~ / but how can we, who have problems & struggle with this, maybe take a little something of it, just a small percentage: whatever it is we feel we can handle... & then maybe that can be applied to our own problems/or issues (with this feature, or function). Perhaps it makes it 5% better? Just as a, "for instance?" Yes, I konw. . , Perhpas not! But well, you know, you've got to try sometjhing & derive inspriation / motivation - from somewhere, someplace, somehow. Good luck!
Try not to be to hard on your self I don't know if your autistic or not but let's say you are. I've met extremely successful people on the spectrum. Elon musk has asbergers sorry if I'm spelling it wrong. I've met doctor who had too who was very smart too. People have melt downs for many different reasons. I know doctors love to diagnosis but go by how you feel and if you are having a melt down or let's call it difficult time then just find something positive to distract yourself. Don't let others tell you are limited and can't do something. Those people may or not trying to help but you got to have a good support system. Joining a church or art class working out or doing yoga unbelievable beneficial. Please don't cut yourself anymore be nice to yourself
Not doomed. It does get better, as long as we’re willing to put in the work. It’s not fair. Our parents failed us and that’s not okay. So although it’s not our faults, it’s our responsibility to break the cycle.
I have gotten better despite a history of physical and verbal abuse that started early in my life and continued until late adolescence. It has been hard, though. I don’t like work, and my recovery has taken years of work and continues to require effort to prevent relapse. Both for substances and mental illness.
I believe in the idea that all humans are endowed with a spark of the divine. Therefore there is always the possibility of healing. For most people, this spark is obscured by negative experiences and actions taken with insufficient insight into how the effects will play out. We can heal those, as long as we believe we can. Without this belief, we won’t see any worth in changing, so we stay stuck. It’s up to you.
I have gotten better despite a history of physical and verbal abuse that started early in my life and continued until late adolescence. It has been hard, though. I don’t like work, and my recovery has taken years of work and continues to require effort to prevent relapse. Both for substances and mental illness.
I believe in the idea that all humans are endowed with a spark of the divine. Therefore there is always the possibility of healing. For most people, this spark is obscured by negative experiences and actions taken with insufficient insight into how the effects will play out. We can heal those, as long as we believe we can. Without this belief, we won’t see any worth in changing, so we stay stuck. It’s up to you.
Thank you for everything that you shared and I'm sorry for all that you're going through. I can relate to some of the things that you're talking about.. I recognized in the past few years that I'm likely on the spectrum and I also struggle with self harm.
Wishing you find what you need to work through where you're at right now and have some solace ❤️
Wishing you find what you need to work through where you're at right now and have some solace ❤️