So I'm 43 years old.
I moved to Florida a few years back. Outside of work I have zero friends. The one person that was my BEST friend ((we had so much in common)) just basically 'broke up with me' over the phone. She stated pretty clearly that she NEVER wants to hear from me again, and indicated that any attempt would be met with law enforcement. This isnt the first time that she's done this and sometimes months go by, ((I never 'stalk' her,)) and ill get a call out of the blue. She's just as lonely and depressed as me.
Meanwhile I ended up in florida kind of by accident, it happened a few years back. I dont know anyone here and I really hate it.
I did manage to get a job delivering pizza. It's probably the lowest income job I've ever had, I barely make a few hundred dollars a week. It's what's available in my area right now.
I'm living in my mom's house with my two brothers. She passed last January, and it's been a living hell ever since.
I have zero goals and zero friends and my brothers keep to themselves. The only good thing about any of it is that I live rent free.
When im not working, generally speaking I sleep. I dont have money to go around too much, and I really have nothing to go out FOR.
I don't watch TV, I screw around on the internet. In my earlier years I did a lot of drugs ((gave them all up,)) and I used to drink heavily to numb the pain. I gave uo drinking one week after my mother died, because drinking turned me into a monster.
I was raised as a Christian ((catholic to be specific)), but I fell out of the church. I still try to pursue God and I listen to various podcasts and watch various shows. I'm in good health for my age ((outside of dental issues)), and I have very little debt ((a few thousand dollars)), however as stated above- I don't make much. I used to be in agriculture but I don't even do that anymore. I took a pizza delivery job because it's easy, low stress, and it keeps me busy 4 to 6 days a week, but the money is HORRIBLE.
I spend most if not all of my free time 'sleeping', and I don't really go out.
As far as spirituality is concerned I DO believe in God, in a very broad sense. I've tried ((recently)) to listen to scripture and try to 'find God' or at least a personal connection to God. I believe in a very historical sense that Jesus did, indeed, live and walk amongst us. I am, in no way whatever, trying to pitch religion here; I am simply stating that from a historical perspective, I believe He lived. I see a lot of people that are immersed in religion ((specifically Christians)) TEND to be happy and have a purpose.
I want what they have or at least a semblance of it, so that I can make sense of an otherwise broken and pointless life.
Now to the 'important parts'-
I do NOT specifically have any desire to die. I actually fear death ((or at least the 'dying' part), and I think I would be far too cowardly to act on it, anyways. There is a site that I signed up for some time ago that actively calls itself 'pro choice' and ((I won't name it here,)) they offer everything from methodology to support for individuals that make a choice to 'catch the bus' ((it's their terminology for ending oneself))
As much as I tried to explore the possibilities of self termination, I find that there is a certain morbidity to that site and certainly not much in the realm of support
They tend to be more interested in the way out, and the more gruesome the methods, the more it's almost encouraged!
I did not find relief there, and I signed up months ago, before this crap ((tonight)) happened with my best friend, girlfriend, and ((until 20 minutes ago,)) 😢 someone that I considered a soul mate. She really 'got me', and was the only person in my life that did.
However she made it pretty damn clear that I'm some type of emotional abusive monster, even went so far as calling me a bad person, before she threatened me and hung up.
I dont know if she's right. I've never ((EVER)) laid a hand on her ((or anyone, for that matter - violence is NOT in my persona)), but she claims I'm mentally abusive and made her feel like sh!t. Maybe she's right, I don't know.
So now as I sit here typing this out, more than anything else I just feel... numb.
I'd love to have connections to people, ((and the crazy part is I am very good around strangers and all my co workers like me)), but im not very good at making or keeping personal connections.
Moreover, I feel a deep malaise towards anything spiritual. I WANT a connection with God, I WANT to 'see proof' of something because I felt that IF I did, I wouldn't feel so alone and hopeless. Without going too far into self promoting, I am HIGHLY intelligent- even by societal standards- and I have been told such by numerous people, both old friends, family and strangers alike.
I feel like BECAUSE of this, I see the world 'for how it is', and that's part of the reason why I've had lifetime anxiety and depression 💔
I dont even know what I expect from writing any of this.
In short, I do not WANT to die- I WANT a real friend, a connection to something outside of me, to maybe even have a prayer answered- for God ((or someone! )) to come out and say HERE I AM!
I feel like if I either had a good friend or ANY real connections to the divine- that everything would be OK and I wouldn't feel this way.
Even as I type this, I have regrets and anger and sadness, but I am not 'feeling sad'- it's more like everything is a burden and perhaps I **am** selfish, I don't know.
I just feel numb- and I feel like I've wasted a lofe and burned any real connections to anything. I dont have money saved up, I haven't DONE anything that would matter one way or another if I were to fall off the earth today.
Even loosing my mother, ((now both parents are gone!)), I have no one to talk to or to listen to me.
I have 3 brothers and 1 sister-
The sister doesn't talk to me, because we would fight a lot. I saw her at the funeral and that's it- she moved back up north.
Out of the 3 brothers I DO talk to, ((all are here in florida)), I live with two of them and the third is raising a kid and ((somewhat)) 'happily' in a relationship.
The two brothers I DO live with are nice to me in the same way that one would be nice to someone standing behind them in a store. We don't fight but we don't bond either. I am just kind of here, as are they- and we all live our own lives and pretty much stay out of each other's ways. They are similar to me in terms of not really having friends- they both work and neither ((to my knowledge)) are in relationships with anyone.
However, they play a lot of games online which seems to satisfy their time. I dont have that luxury
My only connections to the outside world are a low paying pizza job and internet through a mobile phone. I dont even have a working computer.
So in summary, I want to connect to someone or something- I want life to MATTER. I want a girlfriend but this one severed a real connection tonight, and I feel like at 43 I'm too old to start something new with someone new.
I dont have much to offer, no money, no resources, and the thought of just 'going out there' is almost daunting because, again, I don't really go out.
At least when I was drinking I made SOME superficial connections at the bar, but I don't even have that anymore.
So I want life to matter, I want God to talk to me, but I feel so alone and so....numb. I didn't cry at my mother's funeral and even after this craY breakup, I have regrets and I feel sad, but I don't really FEEL anything- just a hole where feelings should be. I feel numb. The drugs used to help (opiates were my favorite), and the drinking helped a little bit- but it's expensive and just seems a waste.
When im not working or sleeping ((that's 90% of my life,)) I'm sitting on my bed watching YouTube videos or TRYING to find God through podcasts, online lectures, and research.
I'd love to go on walks or ...just be alive, but I have no one to go on walks WITH.
I just feel numb.
I cant emphasize this enough. I feel like in 30 or 40 years ((if I make it that long,)) I'll be old and nothing will matter anyways. Even this long rant is basically a futile stab at trying to FEEL something and connect with someone- anyone, really.
Music doesn't do it for me anymore
Reading is boring
I really have no hobbies or anything to connect with anyone or anything outside the cold reality of my bed.
I sleep so much, and work and other than that- I try so hard to find some spiritual meaning- to give myself purpose- but everything seems fake and unreal, like I'm chasing something that doesn't exist or that no one has really found.
I wish I had purpose
I wish I had feelings deeper than just feeling numb.
Depression would be a feeling but even depression and sadness 😔 feels more like an idea and less like something I can actually 'feel'...
Like I said, I don't **want** to die, but I also feel like living is just a chore- like I'm just passing the time until I'm gone, anyways.
At least with her we passed it together, but I guess im some kind of monster and just 'not a good person'.
I dont wish harm on anybody
I dont even wish it on myself
But
....im tired of feeling pointless and im tired of feeling it alone.
Anyways thats my story.
To whoever reads it.... congratulations if you made it this far.
Sincerely,
-d.
I moved to Florida a few years back. Outside of work I have zero friends. The one person that was my BEST friend ((we had so much in common)) just basically 'broke up with me' over the phone. She stated pretty clearly that she NEVER wants to hear from me again, and indicated that any attempt would be met with law enforcement. This isnt the first time that she's done this and sometimes months go by, ((I never 'stalk' her,)) and ill get a call out of the blue. She's just as lonely and depressed as me.
Meanwhile I ended up in florida kind of by accident, it happened a few years back. I dont know anyone here and I really hate it.
I did manage to get a job delivering pizza. It's probably the lowest income job I've ever had, I barely make a few hundred dollars a week. It's what's available in my area right now.
I'm living in my mom's house with my two brothers. She passed last January, and it's been a living hell ever since.
I have zero goals and zero friends and my brothers keep to themselves. The only good thing about any of it is that I live rent free.
When im not working, generally speaking I sleep. I dont have money to go around too much, and I really have nothing to go out FOR.
I don't watch TV, I screw around on the internet. In my earlier years I did a lot of drugs ((gave them all up,)) and I used to drink heavily to numb the pain. I gave uo drinking one week after my mother died, because drinking turned me into a monster.
I was raised as a Christian ((catholic to be specific)), but I fell out of the church. I still try to pursue God and I listen to various podcasts and watch various shows. I'm in good health for my age ((outside of dental issues)), and I have very little debt ((a few thousand dollars)), however as stated above- I don't make much. I used to be in agriculture but I don't even do that anymore. I took a pizza delivery job because it's easy, low stress, and it keeps me busy 4 to 6 days a week, but the money is HORRIBLE.
I spend most if not all of my free time 'sleeping', and I don't really go out.
As far as spirituality is concerned I DO believe in God, in a very broad sense. I've tried ((recently)) to listen to scripture and try to 'find God' or at least a personal connection to God. I believe in a very historical sense that Jesus did, indeed, live and walk amongst us. I am, in no way whatever, trying to pitch religion here; I am simply stating that from a historical perspective, I believe He lived. I see a lot of people that are immersed in religion ((specifically Christians)) TEND to be happy and have a purpose.
I want what they have or at least a semblance of it, so that I can make sense of an otherwise broken and pointless life.
Now to the 'important parts'-
I do NOT specifically have any desire to die. I actually fear death ((or at least the 'dying' part), and I think I would be far too cowardly to act on it, anyways. There is a site that I signed up for some time ago that actively calls itself 'pro choice' and ((I won't name it here,)) they offer everything from methodology to support for individuals that make a choice to 'catch the bus' ((it's their terminology for ending oneself))
As much as I tried to explore the possibilities of self termination, I find that there is a certain morbidity to that site and certainly not much in the realm of support
They tend to be more interested in the way out, and the more gruesome the methods, the more it's almost encouraged!
I did not find relief there, and I signed up months ago, before this crap ((tonight)) happened with my best friend, girlfriend, and ((until 20 minutes ago,)) 😢 someone that I considered a soul mate. She really 'got me', and was the only person in my life that did.
However she made it pretty damn clear that I'm some type of emotional abusive monster, even went so far as calling me a bad person, before she threatened me and hung up.
I dont know if she's right. I've never ((EVER)) laid a hand on her ((or anyone, for that matter - violence is NOT in my persona)), but she claims I'm mentally abusive and made her feel like sh!t. Maybe she's right, I don't know.
So now as I sit here typing this out, more than anything else I just feel... numb.
I'd love to have connections to people, ((and the crazy part is I am very good around strangers and all my co workers like me)), but im not very good at making or keeping personal connections.
Moreover, I feel a deep malaise towards anything spiritual. I WANT a connection with God, I WANT to 'see proof' of something because I felt that IF I did, I wouldn't feel so alone and hopeless. Without going too far into self promoting, I am HIGHLY intelligent- even by societal standards- and I have been told such by numerous people, both old friends, family and strangers alike.
I feel like BECAUSE of this, I see the world 'for how it is', and that's part of the reason why I've had lifetime anxiety and depression 💔
I dont even know what I expect from writing any of this.
In short, I do not WANT to die- I WANT a real friend, a connection to something outside of me, to maybe even have a prayer answered- for God ((or someone! )) to come out and say HERE I AM!
I feel like if I either had a good friend or ANY real connections to the divine- that everything would be OK and I wouldn't feel this way.
Even as I type this, I have regrets and anger and sadness, but I am not 'feeling sad'- it's more like everything is a burden and perhaps I **am** selfish, I don't know.
I just feel numb- and I feel like I've wasted a lofe and burned any real connections to anything. I dont have money saved up, I haven't DONE anything that would matter one way or another if I were to fall off the earth today.
Even loosing my mother, ((now both parents are gone!)), I have no one to talk to or to listen to me.
I have 3 brothers and 1 sister-
The sister doesn't talk to me, because we would fight a lot. I saw her at the funeral and that's it- she moved back up north.
Out of the 3 brothers I DO talk to, ((all are here in florida)), I live with two of them and the third is raising a kid and ((somewhat)) 'happily' in a relationship.
The two brothers I DO live with are nice to me in the same way that one would be nice to someone standing behind them in a store. We don't fight but we don't bond either. I am just kind of here, as are they- and we all live our own lives and pretty much stay out of each other's ways. They are similar to me in terms of not really having friends- they both work and neither ((to my knowledge)) are in relationships with anyone.
However, they play a lot of games online which seems to satisfy their time. I dont have that luxury
My only connections to the outside world are a low paying pizza job and internet through a mobile phone. I dont even have a working computer.
So in summary, I want to connect to someone or something- I want life to MATTER. I want a girlfriend but this one severed a real connection tonight, and I feel like at 43 I'm too old to start something new with someone new.
I dont have much to offer, no money, no resources, and the thought of just 'going out there' is almost daunting because, again, I don't really go out.
At least when I was drinking I made SOME superficial connections at the bar, but I don't even have that anymore.
So I want life to matter, I want God to talk to me, but I feel so alone and so....numb. I didn't cry at my mother's funeral and even after this craY breakup, I have regrets and I feel sad, but I don't really FEEL anything- just a hole where feelings should be. I feel numb. The drugs used to help (opiates were my favorite), and the drinking helped a little bit- but it's expensive and just seems a waste.
When im not working or sleeping ((that's 90% of my life,)) I'm sitting on my bed watching YouTube videos or TRYING to find God through podcasts, online lectures, and research.
I'd love to go on walks or ...just be alive, but I have no one to go on walks WITH.
I just feel numb.
I cant emphasize this enough. I feel like in 30 or 40 years ((if I make it that long,)) I'll be old and nothing will matter anyways. Even this long rant is basically a futile stab at trying to FEEL something and connect with someone- anyone, really.
Music doesn't do it for me anymore
Reading is boring
I really have no hobbies or anything to connect with anyone or anything outside the cold reality of my bed.
I sleep so much, and work and other than that- I try so hard to find some spiritual meaning- to give myself purpose- but everything seems fake and unreal, like I'm chasing something that doesn't exist or that no one has really found.
I wish I had purpose
I wish I had feelings deeper than just feeling numb.
Depression would be a feeling but even depression and sadness 😔 feels more like an idea and less like something I can actually 'feel'...
Like I said, I don't **want** to die, but I also feel like living is just a chore- like I'm just passing the time until I'm gone, anyways.
At least with her we passed it together, but I guess im some kind of monster and just 'not a good person'.
I dont wish harm on anybody
I dont even wish it on myself
But
....im tired of feeling pointless and im tired of feeling it alone.
Anyways thats my story.
To whoever reads it.... congratulations if you made it this far.
Sincerely,
-d.
