How do you take it if somebody says they want to kill themselves because of their acne? When thinking about the contributing factors to suicide a lay person’s fast list might look like- divorce or break up, financial problems, drug abuse, chronic depression, grief over death of loved one and many more such tragedies. If you know anything about actual suicide facts and statistics you should take it very seriously.

For the majority of people acne means a 5-10 year period of having to wash their face a few times a day with a very mild soap or antiseptic cleanser, the embarrassment of an oversized pimple on picture day, school dance, or long anticipated date, and perhaps a few rude comments about the alien growth that appeared overnight on their face. For most, as they finish high school or by the time they enter their twenties, acne is typically no more than a very mild inconvenience and a sense of relief at having made it through that awkward stage.

Life is not so kind to all, however. There are some people where no amount of cleanser and face clarifying lotions and potions have any effect. Endless outbreaks of painful and sometimes disfiguring pimples and pustules go on for years from the onset of puberty and sometimes continue on well into their twenties or longer.

The Pain Caused by Acne  

It would be bad enough if it were simply dealing with the pain and discomfort, but the physical issues is often said to be the lesser pain when compared with the emotional abuse heaped upon them by others – those that look for ways to tease, embarrass or inflict pain on their peers for no reason other than a perverse feeling of by making others feel worse. These bullies are simply looking to improve their place in the world or their own self of self esteem. Sadly, it proves more impossible to eradicate this sort of person than even the seemingly impossible to control acne some have the misfortune of being afflicted with.

Where the real issue comes from with acne is the emotional pain and scarring that runs much deeper than the superficial scars on their skin. While the reality may be that there are relatively few who are so shallow or just mean enough to use the acne as an excuse to tease and bully, this few makes those suffering feel like that is the way all see them. It often even makes them begin to see themselves as deformed or ugly. Some  claim disgust at seeing their own face and will not go swimming or shorts for fear of exposing back, legs, o other places afflicted with acne or the scarring it has left.

This is where a common physical illness that the majority of people experience to some degree becomes a mental health issue of the most serious kind- the kind where a person feels the self-loathing or perceives disgusts from others that makes them think that death is preferable to living. While difficult to prove, it can be reasonably surmised based on discussions of the feelings that the acne was never the issue at all. They did not decide to attempt suicide because a few pimples or even because of 1000 pimples- they became suicidal because the way they were made to feel while trying to deal with this physical condition.

There are many things that over the years have become taboo. Even the school-yard bully typically will avoid blatant teasing of a person in a wheelchair or similar issue. Acne is one of those leftover areas that are overlooked as acceptable fodder for jokes and bullying. Perhaps because most suffer from some degree at some point they can claim to empathize or understand however that occasional oversized pimple for a couple days is no comparison to years of outbreak and lifelong physical scarring. This claim of “everybody has it – so I am not picking on anybody”  would be unbelievable if it were not so frequently upheld as a reasonable defense so the cruel jokes are ignored and it is implied the individual being taunted needs to “toughen up” instead of action taken against the one inflicting the pain.

Treatments and Reducing the Pain of Acne  

The treatment of severe acne involves both the physical treatment of the affliction and the mental health component that often is the result of being subjected to ridicule and emotional pain amplified by the fact it occurs during the developmental years of puberty early adulthood when a person begins to form their self-image.

Treating the Physical Symptoms

The physical treatment comes in 2 basic forms which are discussed in great detail in many places, but should also be talked to with your health care provider. Self-care, which involves best practices for treatment and prevention of acne and maintaining healthy skin. These involve the typical over the counter washes and antiseptics and extra hygiene care for those prone to acne as well as dietary concerns recommendations. The cost of this type of treatment can vary greatly with many acne treatments for even over the counter care costing $100 or more per month. To help reduce the costs, home remedies are available for those willing to research, but you should always discuss home remedies with a doctor and careful research for their safety as well as effectiveness.

To make this care affordable, it is always a good idea to look at what treatments are available and to carefully shop for these treatments. Many retailers specialize in treatments and have special programs that can be used to reduce costs. Using discount codes and coupons can save a lot of money if you are willing to shop around. Home remedies can be highly effective money savers too if caution is used to ensure safety. There are hundreds of home treatments found with internet searches but stick to things that your doctor can tell you are safe to try.

The other physical treatments are real medical treatments from a dermatologist with prescription medications. These medications include specific very strong treatments of acne for various skin types. There are hormone treatments, such as birth control pills to control the hormones that often trigger acne as well a specific range of high potency acne medications available by prescription only. These are effective at treating acne effectively  in many cases but also carry risks of substantial side effects.

Some common acne medications (such as Accutane/isotretinoin among others) may even cause increased risk of mental health issues such as increased feelings of suicidal behavior. This is perhaps another reason that acne is listed as a cause of suicide. Studies have shown however that suicide as a result of acne is a reality regardless of treatment. Use of these medications must be carefully supervised by your doctor or dermatologist. Make you are well informed of all potential benefits as well as risks before choosing this type of treatment.

What types of treatment are there for acne scars? Acne scars may be treated with laser treatments but they are expensive and sometimes painful for the person receiving treatment. Dermabrasion and dermarolling are also possible helpful treatments for scars from past acne. Botox, another pricey route to controlling the deeper scars of acne is very effective as a treatment and takes several courses of treatment. A treatment approach that looks worse before it gets better is receiving a chemical peel. This approach essentially a multi layer system of taking off layers of skin over a period of 4 visits which, hopefully, improve the appearance of the skin at the end. Speaking with a dermatologist is likely the best route to determining what the best option is for each person.

Treating the Emotional Pain of Acne

The last few paragraphs may have led some readers to believe that feeling suicidal because of acne can be easily fixed by simple medical or home treatment. The real issue with acne and the deep emotional pain caused from having suffered the teasing and personal image issues caused from dealing with acne is in part due to the fact so many believe it can be easily treated and “is not really a big deal”. The fact that for some acne is an inconvenience that may be joked about after the fact as “just part of growing up” does not in any way help those that have more severe or long term physical issues. This stems from people who don’t understand the lasting impact on those acne has affected throughout their lives.

It is hard to deal with emotional scarring if the physical scars are still there every time a person looks in the mirror. Even if one treats the physical scars, the emotional scars still must be dealt with. The biggest psychological issue is the self-perception of being ugly or disgusting based on the way they were treated by others in adolescence while developing their own self-esteem and identity.

Negative comments resound far louder in most people than the positive and, of course, no comment makes a no impression. This means that even though the vast majority of people are not disgusted or bothered at all by another person’s acne and that during a poll, (these people cite they only feel sympathy) the individual is far more affected by the very small minority that make the rude and painful comments. If 100 people do not mention the acne at all because they are not “turned off” or “bothered” by seeing a persons skin, and 1 person says “pepperoni face” or some other insult, the individual feels like the other 99 also thought that. Further, they see themselves and find it “ugly” so decide for themselves they are ugly. This is because we all are far more critical of ourselves than anyone else. How often are we judging others about their physical attributes in this way? Not terribly often yet we believe others are doing it to us.

The treatment for long term emotional pain and mental health issues of self-hate and dysphoria is best addressed through counseling with a professional therapist. If that is not possible because of cost or due to other reasons then there are self-help and self-awareness books and online programs that may help. The self-treatment however is very difficult when the actual issue is that a person dislikes or has a low opinion of themselves. If you had a low opinion of a doctor or therapist, you would not likely listen to what they have to say. If that applies to yourself than trying to convince yourself is equally difficult.

Trying to keep perspective and understanding that jokes on sitcoms are not reflective of world opinion, and the incidents of people that actually were rude about you appearance compared to the hundreds and thousands more people you met that were not is hard, but can be done. Ignoring the negative is easy advice to give and near impossible to follow. What would the advice be if the roles were reversed?

It may however be possible to realize with careful self-analysis that the emotional pain you are feeling about the acne whether it is present or in the past – the pain is being caused by yourself and how you feel about things far more than what others may have said or thought. We cannot make people say something different or think something different but we can influence our own thoughts to try to decide that you are not going to be cruel to yourself just because somebody else has been. Do not let the shallowness and cruelty of a small few become your own shallowness or cruelty towards yourself. Try to get some support or help through friends, family, or peer support instead of isolating. The acne does not kill people, it is their own thoughts and those are cruel thoughts they are having about themselves if they want to kill over the acne, even if it is themselves.

All you feel is pain and anxiety. Despair and hopelessness consume you… and you just wish that the mind that has gotten you into so much trouble had an ‘off’ switch. You wish that you could ‘think’ yourself out of existence.

Yes, your situation is unique and, yes, your suffering is very great. It is very likely that no-one that is close to you truly understands or appreciates what you are going through. You hurt so much that you ache physically… and no words or condolences can suffice to soothe your agony.

Firstly, I want to express my heartfelt compassion and sympathy for what you are going through.

Now, let’s take a step back and rationalize how you got to this very dark space. Mainly, suicidal thoughts come from one of two things 1. A major traumatic incident or 2. A long course of suffering and adversity or 3. Both of the previous points.

Either way, feeling suicidal isn’t necessarily ‘irrational’ or ‘stupid’ and doesn’t automatically indicate that you have mental health issues. What it does indicate, however, is that your pain is getting to the point of outweighing your coping resources.

So let’s look at it graphically… The scales below represent your emotional state. On the left hand side you have your coping resources and on the right hand side you have your pain.

Coping resources could be anything that helps you to handle an emotional crisis and to maintain the initiative when things get rough. Now, I believe that there are two principal categories of coping resources – the band aids and the medicines.

 Band aids are things that you use to get you through times of peak crisis.

• Talking to friends and family or to a helpline
• Chatting to people online
• Breathing exercises
• Journaling or writing a letter to yourself
• Anything else that you could use to distract your mind.

Medicines are things that can help stave off and prevent the crises or serve to minimise their dramatic impact on our emotional stability. The three prominent ‘medicinal’ coping resources that I believe are available to all of us are as follows:

• Love
• Learning
• Self-acceptance

Love doesn’t necessarily need to be love from other people. The more we think about and foster love for others – even those least deserving of our love – the more we will feel its soothing balm in our lives. Love for others doesn’t need to be expressed in some grandiose way… it doesn’t need to be demonstrated with great acts of benevolence or kindness. The key is to love – in thought and in deed – little and often.

Learning something new gives our brain a workout and gives it something to feed on rather than feeding on our problems and negative self-talk. A stagnated brain is like a garden covered in weeds – something easy to get depressed by. By constantly learning, we help to keep our brain ‘in shape’ and feel more empowered to make positive changes in our lives.

Self-acceptance is a big downer for many people as a low self-esteem can lead to feelings of great loneliness and isolation. Constant yearning for connection and acceptance are things that affect many people in society. When we find the pearl of goodness latent inside every one of us and genuinely start to appreciate it and develop it, this serves as a significant catalyst for change and self-acceptance.

As we work on building up our coping resources, we can better equip ourselves for riding out the rough times and we are better able to cope with emotional crises in a balanced frame of mind.

Now the thing with pain is that it’s largely a matter of perspective. I say this more from a rational perspective than from a warm fuzzy emotional perspective. A 10 meter wave looks infinitely more fearsome if you are sitting in the trough and waiting for it to crash mercilessly over you… than if you are looking at it from the vantage point of a light-house keeper perched high in his sanctuary of calm.

You might now say ‘what’s the relevance of perspective?’ Well the thing is that if you are in a crisis and feel that your coping resources are failing you then working on finding perspective to your pain can be very effective…

 Time is a very gentle and powerful healer… and will often bring perspective and peace to even the most traumatic of incidents. Recalling earlier experiences of crisis and how you got through them can help shine perspective into your desolate cave of suffering as can listening to others recount feelingly how they survived an emotional Auschwitz.

Whatever it is that has brought you to this place my friend, I want you to know that I truly believe you have the strength to get through it… and to come out the other side with greater strength, wisdom and compassion than ever before.

About the Author: Cody has studied psychology and self-help strategies for over a decade and is very passionate about helping others to fulfill their potential and live happier lives. 

Somewhere in the midst of that despair comes forth an idea. What if I kill myself in such a way that it looks like an accident? After all, people die all the time – it is sad but we get over it and it does not have the same stigma of “suicide” and maybe it will hurt a little bit less to those I leave behind (that claim to care but I am not really sure they do). Maybe they do not realize it but they would be better off without me anyway. Maybe it is life insurance to end the financial troubles, maybe it is because our moods and depression or anger and outburst make those around us hurt already. It might be in our mind if we were gone then the wife or husband could meet a better person be more able to provide for the kids, or the parents would not have to support you and worry anymore.

These and thoughts like these have probably gone through your head many times if you found your way here and are reading this. They all have occurred to me many times in the last few years since I got sick. The reason they are in your head might be different – financial problems, loneliness, divorce, break up, abuse, alcoholism, addiction, mental illness, hundreds of possibilities (or even just horrible soul killing depression without any specific cause you can point to as a reason) but it does make them any less real or easier to deal with.

The reason is really not that important- if you were able to think of a way to fix it you would have and since you can’t now you are trying to figure out how to make the pain stop, and just maybe not to have to let the world ever know what happened. There is a very good chance you have spent a lifetime of holding it in and keeping the real truth a secret- so making suicide look like an accident would just be the same as that fake smile you put on to go to work or school every day. Just the next (and final) lie you say to try to protect others from your pain and yourself from facing the truth.

The hard part of all this is remembering- it never really did do any good to put on that fake smile. It may work for some or in some situations, but it did not for you because here you are still looking for a way to make the pain stop and still looking for a way to make it look like it was never there. Just like the fake smile did not make the pain stop for you – it just made it harder for others to see, making suicide look like an accident does not stop the pain on others, just makes it harder for people to understand why they hurt so much. Whether declared an accident or suicide does not change the last days / weeks / months with these people. They still feel or know that something was wrong and still have no way to ever fix that- simply to live forever with it unresolved.

While you are considering the “accident” to try to stop the pain, you are not stopping the pain at all- you are simply negotiating your spouse’s, children’s, or friend’s pain. It is not stopping the pain, it is you deciding how much pain they should feel or that you are okay with causing them. How many times in your life when thinking of others, truly thinking of others- do you start bargaining and negotiating how much pain it is okay to lay on another person? And still think what you are doing is a righteous or good thing?

The real truth is all suicides are accidents. Nobody purposely made decisions intended to cause so much pain they would rather die than wake up. Nobody let things build to a point that it was all intolerable, or asked for so many issues to be visited upon them they could not deal with it anymore on purpose. The fact you feel like this at all is the culmination of a series of accidents. While feeling so alone and in pain you would rather die is not your fault, the things causing that amount of pain are making you unable to see that killing yourself (accident or not) is not going to end that pain. If successful at best it takes your and pain adds to it and then passes it on to many others, letting that pain multiply and grow like some vicious weed choking the life out of all the once strong beautiful plants around it.

I have been very sure in my life that nothing else could ever stop that pain, nothing else would ever make things even a little okay again. I have seen thousands of others on the forum feeling the same way. We were all wrong. When things have gotten better and then there is another downturn we all said “see -it never gets better and even if it does it gets worse again” but the reality is that just a few days either way before or after that feeling that feeling had changed. Unfortunately, it is that hopeless feeling that we choose to cling to and nurture that is causing the pain, not the life around that feeling.

Suicides that look like accidents? It is fool’s gold at best. A way to put on the fake smile that never fooled you nor anybody else in your life and then trying to continue that lie into death. It does not make it better. I will tell you what I know about accidents and suicide. I know several people that have started a suicide attempt and called for help-, but the help was too late. The permanent damage or death was already done. In fact in near every suicide case I am personally familiar with they tried to reach out and get help in the end- they tried to not die- but that is when the accident happened. That is when it was too late to fix and then came the accident, so commonly called tragedy like every accident, and they died finally wanting nothing but to live.

There will be comments left on here complaining about the “you did not tell me about how to make it look like an accident” with expletives. There are on other posts too, though for some reason the person chose to read to the end knowing that it was not going to be in there. Asking how to make suicide look like an accident is no different than asking about methods to die- the real truth anybody could think of many ways without a pause. You are not searching for a way to make suicide look like an accident or searching for a way to die – those are both way too easy and anyone could list a dozen ways. You are searching for a way to make the pain stop.

The pain can stop and life can be better. It is not easy and it is not going to change overnight. The answer is different for every person because every life is different so you can’t get your answer in 1000 words when you haven’t found the answer in months or years or searching for it on your own – I am not smarter than you. It will not happen without you letting some things change as well. You can’t keep everything the exact same and suddenly feel differently about it. But life can change and the pain can stop and there can be contentment and happiness. You just need to spend as much time and diligence on trying to figure out the method you need to change your life as you are on searching for methods and ways to die.

The method to change your life is actually something that you might be able to find some help with and that you do not already know 10 ways in your mind. That is what you are searching for and trying to find how to live and how to stop the pain. If you think I am lying then tell me that there were not just at least 2 or 3 ways to make it look like an accident when you commit suicide in your mind as you read this or searched this topic, but here you are reading and searching like there were none. There are nearly 55,000 members on SF that do and have felt the same, and they are getting better. Not all, not every day, but the majority get here looking for how to die, and yet days, weeks, even years later they are still here. And life is better, because if it was not they would not be here either. Talk to people that care now.

Are there any painless suicide methods?

Most people find SF when the pain is so bad that they can’t take it any more. That is how I found SF. If you are here, reading this, the chances are you are so tired of hurting, so exhausted by the relentless black hole of pain inside you that you are looking for a way, ANY way, to make it stop. Painless suicide methods seem like the holy grail right now. I get it – believe me – I understand.

Are There Any Painless Suicide Methods?

The simple answer is no. I understand that your instinct now is to click off this page and keep looking, but STOP. Wait. Just stay a few minutes. The problem with suicide methods is that up to 97% of the time, they fail. And that is just the completely committed “I want to die right now this second” group. Suicide is painful and messy and horrifying – and I completely understand if you are sitting here thinking “yes, well so is my life” – I have been there.

One of the most common things our members say when they first join SF is ‘I am too much of a coward to go through with it”. Not killing yourself isn’t cowardly. Not killing yourself isn’t weak or spineless. It is okay to scream for help at the top of your lungs right now – you deserve help and nobody can do this alone.

We have thousands and thousands of members and each and every one of them knows what it feels like to want to fall asleep and never wake up. To stop the pain – for it to be easy and peaceful and painless. Suicide isn’t any of those things. It is painful and lonely and scary. The thoughts and feelings you are dealing with are not shameful or weak or wrong – but really wanting to die and really wanting to make the pain stop are not the same thing. 

What About Pain Free Death?

It is easy to believe – especially right now – that it wouldn’t matter if you died. Nobody would care. I don’t know you and I don’t know what is going on in your life (I would like to) but I have been suicidal and believed those things, and I have talked to hundreds and hundreds of people who also believe those things. Pain lies. Depression lies. Most of all, despair lies. The idea that your death would not matter and it wouldn’t hurt anyone – that your suicide would be pain free for all concerned – it isn’t true. Maybe you want to believe it is true because you don’t want to hurt any of the people you love. Maybe you hurt so badly you can’t see past the pain to the truth. But you are wrong. There are no ‘pain free’ ways to die. There are especially no pain free ways to kill yourself. Not just the physical messy agony of suicide itself, which is never like it is in the movies, but also the emotional pain you are passing to the people who are about you and even the people who ‘only’ know you.

The pain can go away. I know you don’t believe me; I didn’t believe it either. I was sure – 100% definite – that life would never get better, that the pain would never go away, that I would never feel okay again, let alone happy. I felt alone and isolated and like there was nobody to talk to who could possibly understand. I was wrong. About all of it. There are people who understand and who will support you and while right now you don’t think support can help and you don’t see how talking can make a difference, there is something about NOT feeling alone and isolated that eases the pain just enough to be able to breathe for a minute. To be able to think. To give yourself a chance.

You Need to Talk to Someone

There is no replacement for professional medical treatment. If you are suicidal then you need real medical help – but you also need to talk to people you can be honest with, people you can say out loud “I hurt so much I want to die” to. It is hard, almost impossible, to say those things to people who know and care about you in real life. They get scared and hurt and suddenly you are not only dealing with your own pain, you are dealing with theirs as well. For people who already have more pain than they can bear, that is not an option.

Talking doesn’t magically make the pain go away. I am not going to sit here and lie to you that it might. I understand that it is hard to see the point – the POINT is that you want to make the pain stop and if talking won’t do that then it can feel like a waste of the precious little energy you have left. What talking does – in a peer to peer setting – is make you feel less alone. Knowing that people understand and care, that even strangers who are in pain themselves care about you enough to listen and support you, can make you feel less isolated, remind you that you do not have to deal with this alone. 

Talk to us. Write down how you feel. Engage with people who understand – as much as anyone can understand – how you feel. The pain won’t go away overnight but it CAN go away and you deserve to have support while you deal with it. So instead of clicking off here and going back to Google in search of ways to die, stick around here. Join our community and find ways to make the pain go away that don’t involve killing yourself – ways to make the pain go away that give you your life back. 

Do you feel like you really just hate yourself? Check this out. 

Having a hard time thinking about getting from today until tomorrow? Try this one. 

Can Loneliness Really Kill You?

Research is reported to show that people who have no social supports and who feel alone have as greater increased risk of early death as alcoholic, while  succeeding in making friends can be as good for our health as giving up smoking. Spending too much time alone, particularly if that time is not filled with rewarding distractions, often leads to fatalistic thinking and philosophizing that, in turn, lead to damaging thought patterns. In addition to this, a lack of accountability to people who care about you and your welfare can mean that self destructive urges that are usually curbed by fear of worrying or upsetting loved ones can get completely out of control.

According to a study by Brigham Young University, the subjective feeling of loneliness – that is to say feeling alone whether or not you are, in fact, alone – can increase the chance of death by 26%. It is not just being alone that is a significant risk to ongoing good health; just feeling uncared for, unheard and unsupported can be almost as dangerous as actually being isolated.

Loneliness and  Mental Health

Loneliness is a key theme on our forums – people who feel alone find it harder to combat suicidal urges and deal with mental illness. The mental health charity Mind report that being lonely can add to mental health issues such as depression, loneliness and anxiety. It also suggests that loneliness can contribute to rarer mental health conditions such as schizophrenia.

Loneliness can have a significant impact on our mental health – The University Herald reported that a study by the University of Chicago found loneliness to be linked to disrupted sleep, increases in the stress hormone cortisol and an overall perceived lowering in general well-being. That loneliness can contribute to poor mental health is well documented, but it is important not to ignore the other side of the coin: that poor mental health can be the cause of increased loneliness and isolation, both subjectively and actually.

One of the key symptoms of clinical depression is a feeling of loneliness and sadness. Often this feeling is not objectively true, but depression does not often care for the facts. On top of this already heightened sense of isolation, depression also has the effect of reducing our interest in socializing and participating in activities we once found enjoyable. By withdrawing from these activities, spending less time in social situations, people suffering from mental health conditions often isolate themselves.

As depression, anxiety and eventually suicidal thoughts and impulses take hold of our life, we find it harder to talk to people and engage in negative thought patterns such as:

• My mental health is my problem; people shouldn’t have to deal with my ‘craziness’
• People don’t like me anyway; I should stay on my own so I am not rejected.
• I hurt everyone who cares about me; it is better for everyone if I am alone.
• Even if I go out and socialize I won’t have fun; there isn’t any point in trying.

If any of these thoughts sound familiar – it is likely that your mental health problems are making your feeling of loneliness worse. Tempting as it is to isolate ourselves, telling ourselves that it is saving us from pain in the long run, the truth is that we are creating our own pain through our actions. Knowing this is the first step to fighting this life threatening problem.

Practical Steps for Easing Loneliness

Loneliness, left alone, will only ever get worse. It is not something that will fix itself and not something that gets better without attention and effort. Unfortunately, new friends are unlikely to simply knock on the door.

There are lots of ways that people will suggest you ‘find new friends’ – most of them involve joining a club or group to find like-minded people. This is an excellent idea but the simple fact is that if you were in a place where you felt able to go and join a group of strangers, the chances are that you would not have stopped seeing your own friends and family in the first place. Sites like Meetup.com are an excellent resource for finding friendship and getting out of the house, but they are not necessarily the best ‘first step’ on the road to re-socializing.

The UK National Health Service recommends that people suffering from loneliness ‘learn to love computers’. It is indisputable that the internet makes connecting with people easier and less stressful for many people with social anxiety issues and who need to be able to speak to people on their own terms. Online communities can be an excellent place to start to build up broken down social confidence – on forums and in chat rooms, talking to people without normal social pressures. It is, however, important to remember that these communities are not a replacement for ‘real life’ social interaction. As a starting place they are excellent, but they should be a supplement to other social interaction.

Once your confidence has been rebuilt to some level you can try:

• Finding clubs and groups online – sites like Meetup offer groups with no obligation.
• Joining a church, if you are religiously inclined
• Taking a night class or day college course – most colleges offer short courses that can last as little as one day in all sorts of areas.
• Re-connect with old friends – often a simple apology for having dropped off the face of the planet for a while and an invitation to coffee is enough to start to rebuild a friendship.
• Volunteer for a charity or non-profit – having structure and a shared goal/purpose makes it easier to build friendships and eases social pressure.

Everything Starts with Starting

Making a beginning is the hardest part – but it is also the most important. Nothing changes unless something changes. Doing the brave thing today can make all the difference to your tomorrows. Here at SF we understand the difficulties that loneliness brings and we understand how hard it can be to start.

In this particular instance there were lots of really good hints and tips, but one was way above the average post reply and stood out as worth sharing on a bigger platform. This is the reply from SF Member Citizen Insane, a member of the community for nearly 5 years. In that time he has had a lot of personal experience, as well as talking to literally hundreds of others in similar situations and getting tips to help himself. Hopefully his sharing will help others too.

“What do you do when suicidal ideations are too much?”?

Suicidal ideations are especially tough when the people in your environment do not seem to care and when there’s no hope for relief in sight. Relief from pain, emotionally and in some cases physically.

 It could feel like the world is completely blind to that fact and then the mental filter, the person who suffers has, will keep trying to confirm it that he/she indeed is alone and feels alone in this battle.

Finding a way to express these feelings is quite important, I think.

If I were to be suicidal, am I even asking myself the right questions?

Q1: Why do you wish to end it?

A: “Because I do not feel that I can recover from that which has happened to me in this life. There’s no cure for this illness and/or disorder I have. This is no life for me to live this way, every day I’m suffering and to what end?”

What the (sort of imaginary) person is describing is mostly about his despair and loss of hope. And thereby not talking about his/her actual desires. Not the desire and wish to end it.

Desires that could be: “I wish to be happy, I wish to live a life worth living and fighting for”. Somewhere in our minds, we got to actually believe that this is what a life should be about.

Happiness is never a permanent feeling, though you can be content with yourself over a longer period of time. The body is for sure not made to make a person “happy” and the brain is looking for a lot more than just that as well. Nowhere in evolution was there a single entity who was happy all the time.

Often I ask myself: “Even if I got those happy feelings in my head right now, would I really be doing anything differently in my life?” I already tell my family that I care for them and have love for them, even if my emotions are mostly numb. I am able to be entertained with my hobbies, like reading, music and playing the guitar, despite my concentration not always being optimal.

I would advise that you find something that you can still enjoy doing or an activity that makes you not feel the discomfort you usually have. I can’t answer which activity that may be, you are the person who knows yourself the best and what you like.

As opposed to the body having a limit to physical ailments, sickness and injuries, a person his/her mind is more flexible.

So what does a life look like in the end, when the person has endured all of the mental & emotional pains his/her brain has inflicted onto them?

Perhaps the question should be: What happens when the person finds his desires not fulfilled, should that person adjust his/her expectations of life in general?

-Citizen Insane

There were of course other answers and advice – all useful as well and all having the benefit of real experience behind them-

A few more from other members-

My number 1 recommendation for “being in a bad place” is to do something. Get up, go out, do something and “get away” from the trapped hopeless horrible – as in physically get away from it by going somewhere else. Sounds a bit nuts maybe, but being busy and changing your surroundings I really believe helps. Even if I go get a coffee in a coffee shop and doodle for a while. I also find planning incredibly helpful. Lists and colour codes and mind maps and “what my life is going to look like in 5 years, 10 years” etc. Give myself something positive to focus on that does not consider the option of dying.

******************

I like to listen to sad or angry music, or a touching film. Sometimes I feel the only way to get past it (depression/suicidal thoughts) is to go straight through it. That’s not always true though. Sometimes I try and force myself to do things I don’t want to, like: listen to upbeat music, leave the house (anywhere, even a trip to the shops if I don’t need anything), dance, sing, treat myself to nice food, and watch a new film or show. Sometimes it works, other times not, but a lot of times I have managed to free myself of those thoughts is by just getting back into the swing of things and making that change to feel better. Maybe some of these will help you too, I hope so.

*****************

These are some things I do…read, write, talk to people, listen to music, play music, clean, spend time with my nephew, find something that makes me laugh, watch tv and movies I like. Just try to block the thoughts as best I can.

If you have your own questions that you would like to ask real people that have felt the same way – and want real answers to them stop into the community. Not all the answers will work for everybody, but there will be real answers from real people, and not just telling you to “get over it”.

If I put this as a poll I am sure there would be all the obvious guesses and some creative things as well, but the methods and things that are killing more than 2000 people per day around the world have very little to do with what they endured the final few minutes of their life and everything to do with what they endured during the weeks or even years before those final few minutes. The things they felt in the time leading up the final minutes are what killed them and more importantly, nearly all of these things could be addressed in other ways if only somebody had taken the time to really listen and try to help.

The list I am going to share is the list of things that are killing nearly a million people a year. From the site, I have come to understand what many suicidal people I have personally spoke with were dealing with. These are the things that are killing the people, and unlike the searches for painless methods and easy methods, these are all marked by incredibly intense and unendurable pain, a pain so bad that somebody would literally rather die than face another hour of it. In no particular order –

1. Break ups – Whether it is a divorce after year sand the loss of a family or the first love of a young teen that lasted a few months. The thing to remember about this is it is not a break up and go on to the next for all people. For some it is the first or only person in the world they ever loved or felt loved by and without that person they cannot see a possibility of love in their life again. Life without the possibility of love is hard thing to face. The real issue here is if there was enough love around them when they felt this way, most would realize that it is not going to be a life without love, but simply a life without that love- still painful, but maybe bearable. It is the lack of love they feel from all sources that make them believe it will be a life of no love at all, and it is what they feel that fuels their pain, not what others think.
2. Failure– Real or perceived is really of no matter. Maybe they were fired from a job, or did not make a sports team, got bad grades in school, or just didn’t finish a project on time. The difference in spending a lifetime of savings and years into a failed business, or getting cut from the Varsity team is measured by the person feeling it, not what happened. Whatever the failure or series of failures, in the end they do not see themselves as anything but a failure and their shame will not allow them to entertain the possibility that others see them differently.
3. Money – Life is hard and everybody is ultimately controlled to some extent by money. The adages od money can’t buy happiness are true, but it is also true that it is hard to be happy if you are facing homelessness, or feel ashamed when people ask you what you do. There are some that would rather die than face the idea of accepting help freely offered, and the real truth is there is not enough help anyway for those that really need it. When every thought of your day is on how you will pay for something or how to support yourself and your family some people start seeing themselves as just another bill and part of the problem.
4. Rejection and feeling excluded – Everybody faces rejection at some point in their life. Some people cannot ever remember feeling anything else. It may be because they never have, or it may be because the overwhelming sense of rejection from an incident blinds them to past successes, but in the end they die because their feeling of rejection is greater than the total of positive input form others in their lives to help them feel something different. They know they will never fit in because everything they feel tells them that. It may be they feel excluded from all the others and rejected by friends that were too busy to call, or that every girl they ever spoke to said no to a date, but they would rather die than let another rejection add more to the overwhelming pain they already feel.
5. Being left behind – Some people look around and see everybody they went to school with already has a job, marriage, house etc. Maybe it is even a simple as their friends already have girlfriends or boyfriends, or perhaps they are approaching middle age and realizing the dream of family and children is becoming impossible, or elderly and need to accept those possibilities are gone. In the end, they see everybody else as so far ahead of them and they cannot see a way to ever catch up.
6. Loneliness – some people truly have no family and no friends. Some people are surrounded by others all day but feel like they have to hide their real selves so much that nobody really knows them. If nobody knows them then they feel just as alone as somebody that has nobody in their lives at all. Humans are social animals, and isolation and seclusion have been used as punishment and even torture for centuries. It is hardly surprising that if somebody equates their life to something used as torture that ending that existence seems a better choice.
7. Feeling irrelevant – All anybody really wants to do is make a difference. When the feeling that it no longer matters what you do or think has any value to anybody becomes pervasive enough it is hard to hold on to a will to live. If a person believes were they gone nobody would be impacted, it is hard to find a way to face even the simplest of struggles in daily life because they feel there is no reason to anymore.
8. Physical health – Some social scientists have theorized when a person’s body begins to fail them it is a clear evolutionary sign that it is time to die and that invokes a response in the brain to do that. If that is true or not is open to debate, but when disease, frailty of age, or simply bad luck results in the loss of physical ability, plus the fact this is sometimes combined with very real physical pain, it is seen by many as a sure sign that it is time to give in and die. The loss of health regardless of cause is a reminder of ultimate mortality and then it is becomes more of a question of when and how. Fear and pain added to the natural urge to control one’s own fate make this result in premature death for millions.
9. Being a burden – This is when a person feels the cost of others for their own existence is greater their contribution. It may be completely inaccurate or it may be a fact that using a slide rule would have a financial advantage if they were not there, but being a burden and contributing are based on far more than dollars and cents. The intangibles are there, but if a person cannot see them or does not feel them all that is left is the feeling that the people they love would be better off if they were not there and the taking of their life as the last thing they have to offer to make life better for those around them.
10. Mental Illness –In nearly all of the above situations some form of mental illness may play a part. Depression and anxiety can certainly result from many of these situations and feelings. The illness then takes on a life of its own and needs to be treated and dealt with. There is however the very real fact that sometimes it is just the mental illness that made a person feel a certain way, or caused them to be in these situations. Since many estimate a full third or even more of people with mental illness never receive any treatment at all it is unsurprising that even the more treatable mental illnesses have a higher mortality rate then some forms of cancer.

If you or somebody you know has ever felt like these situation apply, or maybe feel some of these things now, get help. Even just consider talking to others that do and have felt the same way. It will not solve the problem, and it will not make the problem disappear overnight, but it will be easier to understand. A chance to talk without worrying about what the people listening are thinking because they have felt the same things is a valuable experience.

Knowing others have felt the same way and finding out that there are ways to make the pain stop without dying has value. In the end, people die because it is the only way they can find to stop the pain. If someone is looking for a way to stop the pain and have not found it by themselves, they should talk to a professional. If they cannot or don’t feel ready for that, then try talking to people that understand, are willing to listen, and that will not judge in our community forum and chatrooms.

Start creating your plan at a moment when you’re still capable of feeling some hope, and have some belief that life is worth living. If you can’t imagine feeling that way, then get someone who cares about you and knows you well to help. Start by writing down a collection of warning signs that you are starting to become severely depressed and suicidal. These warning signs will help you and others recognize when you are likely to need extra support. Examples of warning signs might be, “Withdrawing from friends and family,” or “loss of interest in hobbies.”

Next, write down a list of coping strategies that you can use to make yourself feel a bit better. Some people take a hot shower, or cuddle with a pet, or take a walk. The goal isn’t to make you feel all the way better immediately. There may be nothing that can do that. The point is to give you some things to try before you give up completely. Sometimes even feeling a tiny bit better can be enough to take your mind off suicide.

The next step is to write down the names and phone numbers of family and friends who might be able to help you when you are suicidal. You might want to call and talk to these people first and ask them if you can put them on your emergency list. If you know ahead of time that it’s okay to call someone at two in the morning when you’re at the end of your strength, then you won’t feel reluctant to call when you’re in crisis.

Finally, write a list of professional people you can call in case of emergency, along with their phone numbers. Include your doctor, counselor if you have one, and the number for the local hospital. Again, it’s a good idea to find out ahead of time what will happen if you call after hours. You don’t want to be stuck talking to an answering machine if you’re in crisis!

Share your suicide safety plan with supportive people who are close to you, so they know how to take care of you if you become suicidal. Keep it with you in your purse or wallet. If you’re worried about someone finding it and judging you, just don’t label it “Suicide Safety Plan.” Call it something like “Important Phone Numbers.”

If suicidal thoughts and feelings strike, keep going step by step through your plan until you feel safe.