Loneliness is excruciating. Agonizing. Tortuous.

It would have to be one of the leading stimulants of depression, anxiety and a great number of other mental health struggles.

What is it about loneliness that is so painful? Why is it so hard to live with? Why is the burden of emotional isolation so crushing? And why is it that the more ‘connected’ we become with ‘friends’ on social media – or even in real life at times – the more solitary we feel?

For so many people today, isolation is the new norm. Our reservoirs of trust in the goodness of humanity are at an all-time low… and we feel the need to push people away to protect ourselves. We have exposed ourselves emotionally so many times… and been hurt beyond what words can describe.

Loneliness is rampant. On every hand, individuals are struggling to come to terms with feeling ignored, unappreciated, overlooked, despised and forgotten about.

We crave connection… we yearn affection… and we long for a warm cuddle with someone special. We just want to hear someone say ‘I love you!’ with all the sincerity they can muster.

Maybe there are many people in your life you can point to with assurance and say ‘I know for sure that they appreciate me and love me’. Perhaps you have a loving family… beautiful friends… and a loyal partner?

And yet…

You are slowly dying of loneliness. Your heart is atrophying and wasting away. In spite of your assets, your accomplishments, your house, your connections or any other material possession great or small, you feel that your life is losing meaning. Your energy is ebbing away.

‘Is life worth living?’ you ask yourself.

‘How much longer can I endure this torment and unrest before it finally overwhelms me completely?’ you muse negatively.

‘If only there was medication I could take to cure my great loneliness’ you ponder desperately.

The hollow emptiness that prevails in your life drives you to distraction.

Wait, did someone say distraction?

Oh, yes… that’s right. In our efforts to mitigate and appease the pain of loneliness, our minds turn to distractions to run from the anguish, to numb the distressing pangs of misery, to muffle the dull heavy thudding of an empty heart and to assuage the distressing ache of unrequited love.

Distractions. What do they do for us? What do they look like in real life?

Trashy reality TV… and binging on tacky TV shows for hours on end. Incessantly checking alerts on your phone. Days of morbid inactivity spent gaming online. Compulsively ingesting alcohol and drugs to dull your sensibilities. Scouring dating websites in an effort to find the love of your life. Consuming a vitriolic and turgid torrent of porn. Chronic internet browsing and lazy YouTube surfing. Clicking an endless tide of links directing you to life changing articles on the ‘5 cool tricks to be a millionaire by 30’ and ‘3 easy strategies to guarantee success in your life’, or ‘Take this pill and lose 20 pounds in 20 days’ blah, blah, blah…

Meh.

So what is the solution? What is the alternative to turning to distractions? Are we doomed to live a life of desolate solitude?

No!

The greatest antidote to loneliness is love and everything that stems from love: affection, kindness, happiness, compassion, peace, joy and patience. Any and every positive emotion, feeling and experience ultimately comes from love.

Think of your heart like a sponge. It is the body’s natural organ for dispensing and absorbing love. It gives us the means to foster and maintain a healthy buffer of ardor and passion which helps to avert us from being overwhelmed with the negativity all around.

What happens to a wet sponge in the process of time? Moisture evaporates and it dries out. Thus it is with the heart. We cannot let our hearts and affections lie dormant and hope that they will remain infused and brimming with love and energy. We must keep them constantly exposed to the gushing brook of good deeds, to the healing balm of pure motives and to the gentle dew of kind thoughts.

Now imagine our heart ‘sponge’ is dry, and we turn to distractions to alleviate the loneliness. Before very long our hearts are palpitating with a thick gunge of negativity and lethargy and we feel even worse than before.

Or, instead of distractions, our mind ruminates furiously with musings of envy, bitterness, anxiety, animosity, prejudice, victimization and self-pity. These thoughts have the same toxic effect on our hearts and leave us feeling emotionally destitute.

So… love. How do we get more of it? How do we keep our heart pulsing with the purity of true love?

Well, ‘love’ is a noun. But, wait… isn’t ‘love’ also a verb?! Yes! A doing word, a word involving movement, activity and action!

Love in operation is the surest way to ensure that we can consistently enjoy its healing and comforting balm in our lives. Love in operation means that we do loving things for others and think loving thoughts about others and say loving things where appropriate.

This, by necessity, includes a healthy love for ourselves. Which parts of our unique individuality can we look at with fond appreciation and affection? If you can find nothing then develop something within yourself that you can truly fall in love with. Achieve something, abstain from something or take action to get out of your vicious tailspin of failure and procrastination. Just do something that you can be proud of!

Something truly magnificent to consider is that love is its own motive!

Love negates selfishness, it dispels fears and calms troubled minds, it brings peace to the soul and overlays the path of life with happiness and joy; it inscribes a silver lining around clouds of disappointment and defeat and fills the lonely heart with comfort and contentment; it brings perspective to shattered dreams, healing to broken hearts and wisdom to the one confronted with exhausting unanswered questions.

May you, my friend, find true love in your life… and find that there is enough love to fill your heart to overflowing. May you see that love can be found and enjoyed in a greater way than you ever thought possible. True love never fails.

About the author: Cody has studied psychology and self-help strategies for many years and is very passionate about helping others to fulfill their potential and live happier lives. 

Why does it seem like no one likes me?

Why do I seem to not be able to keep the friends I make?

Have you ever noticed how some people seem to make friends like it is the easiest thing in the world? People seem to naturally like them and be drawn to them? Have you ever felt like no matter how hard you try, no matter how ‘nice’ you are, no matter how far out of your way you go to accommodate people, you always feel like you’re stuck on the outside of other people’s ‘friendship bubbles’ peering in?

By far the most common issue with our member is feeling like nobody cares – that there is nobody to talk to and that nobody likes them. The struggle to make friends, whether you are still in school or whether you are an adult, is a very real one for many many people. You are far from alone if you feel isolated and lonely.

It is a well documented fact that loneliness is a deadly condition. It contributes to poor health, lower life expectancy and, of course, a massively increased risk of suicide. It is easy to conclude that there is something ‘wrong’ with us, especially when we compare ourselves with people we think are socially superior or quite simply more ‘likable’ than we are. Sometimes it’s easier to tell ourselves we are defective than it is to take a good hard look at our lives, figure out what the ‘real’ problem is, and take steps to fix it.

I Need to Talk To Someone

If you need someone to talk to – if you need some immediate social interaction and to not have to face the pain and despair alone, join our forums – we have hundreds of active members every day who understand exactly what it is like to feel like there is nobody to talk to, all helping and supporting each other.

Often online interaction is far easier for people who have spent a long time isolated and alone. Having time to think through what it is you want to say, being able to delete and reword things until you are happy with them, and even not having to be self conscious about body language and ‘looking awkward’ makes online friendships easier and less stressful for many people. But the truth is that online friendships, wonderful as they often are, do not make up for a lack of rel life human interaction. The first step to fixing any problem is to really understand what is causing it, so its time to ask yourself:

Why DO I Have No Friends?

People end up feeling friendless for a number of reasons, and none of them are that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. if you are isolated and lack social interaction, there is most likely a reason for it. I don’t know you – I don’t know anything about your life. But after years and years of talking to hundreds of our members who struggle with friendship and socializing, there are a few common reasons.

Social isolation is often caused by one or more of the “D’s” – Distance, Difference, Depression. For many people on SF, it is all of these things; they may have physically moved away from friends (or friends have moved away from them) or may simply be in a place where any social groups or activities are some distance away from them. Equally, they are often very different from their old friends, or from people who they meet in their day to day lives, making it difficult to strike up conversation of find common ground. The most common issue, however, is that their depression lies to them, causes them to isolate themselves from people either because they believe they are hurting them, or because they believe they are disliked and unwanted by everyone.

Distance

Distance is one of the hardest issues to overcome. Continuing friendships over a long distance takes a lot of commitment and energy and very often, much like Long Distance Relationships, friendships that involve a several hour journey to hang out do not stand the test of time. Even if they do, it is impossible to see that person on a week to week basis so it does not help with normal social interaction when our friends are so far away. If distance is a problem for you – if there simply are no people in your vicinity with whom to strike up conversations or find activities that you enjoy, you may need to take a serious look at moving. It is never as easy done as said, and takes planning and investment (both in terms of energy and often money) but sometimes it is necessary to treat finding a fulfilling social life the same way as you would treat finding a job. if there are no opportunities where you are, it is better to look at moving than it is to remain unemployed (or in this case, friendless). Distance is nothing you ‘did wrong’ but it is a changeable circumstance. Maybe not this week or even this month – but of all of the ‘reasons’ that people are isolated and friendless, it is often the easiest to fix.

Difference

Friendship is built, fundamentally, on having something in common with someone. If you do not have anything to talk about that both parties find interesting and engaging, you are going to struggle to have a genuine relationship. Similarly, if you do not like doing the same things, you are going to find it difficult to spend time together. You need to figure out what it is that you like to do, then work out where the people who also like those things are. Look for clubs, groups, activities. Go online and dedicate some time to research. Then go to those places. And, if what you come up with as a list of the things you like to do is along the lines of ‘play video games and get drunk/high’ then accept that in order to find meaningful friendships you are going to have to make meaningful changes in your life.  Ask yourself if you need to expand your horizons and find new interests and hobbies in order to make friends.

There is a long propagated myth that to be ‘liked’ and have friends, all you have to do is “be yourself”. Unfortunately this ignores the fact that social and cultural conventions evolve because there is an acceptable way to behave. People like people that they can relate to and understand. If you go out of your way to be different and to not ‘fit in’ then it stands to reason that you are, in fact, not going to fit in. It may be (however much you do not want to) that you need to take a look at yourself and the choices you are making and figure out if you are limiting your potential friendship pool by making a conscious choice not to be approachable or relatable.

Depression

Depression and anxiety lie to us. They tell us that people don’t like us, don’t want us around and that we are better off alone. This is by far the hardest issue to content with because it is not just a situation or a choice you are fighting – it is a mental illness. I have personally stayed home or avoided a social gathering more times than I can possibly count because I feel worried, out of place and convinced that people don’t want to talk to me anyway. From years talking to other people with similar mental health problems to me, it is obvious that I am far from alone.

People often become ‘friendless’ because they repeatedly turn down invitations or blow off events and people simply stop inviting them. It is understandable for people to feel that YOU are rejecting THEM when you stand them up or cancel them at the last minute, or simply refuse to make plans at all. By isolating ourselves, we push ourselves deeper and deeper into a situation we cannot climb out from and we erode our social skills by locking ourselves away.

If this is you – and there is no shame in it, if it is – the number one most important thing you can do for your feelings of isolation and loneliness is see a doctor – get help. If possible, get some skills focused therapy to help you rebuild your self confidence and your social skills. And, as often as you can, “do it anyway”. Go to the social event anyway – even if you know it will be horrible and stressful – even if you know you will not enjoy it. Depression and anxiety make these things hard but the longer you do not do them for, the harder they become. It is important to remember that however hard it is, it is not impossible, even if it feels that way.

For support, friendship and advice – join our community and visit our forums and chat rooms. We have thousands of members who understand what it is to feel unwanted, friendless and alone. We want to help you.

Social media is very much a 21st century phenomenon:

Facebook has nearly 3 billion Facebook users across the world

Twitter has almost 350 million

Instagram has a billion users

Snapchat has more than 200 million

and the newest frontrunner, Tiktok, already has a billion users

It doesn’t seem that the rise of social media is going to stop any time soon. Pinterest, Tumblr, Reddit and even LinkedIn are all social media and surely we’re all using at least one of these platforms. But could social media be killing us?

‘Facebook Depresses Me and I Feel Like a Failure’

Social media has been hailed by many as an incredible invention, allowing friends and family to more easily keep in touch, even over vast distances, and it is impossible to argue that the platforms don’t allow that. But when ‘writing a status’ or posting a meme replaces real conversation, the result is rarely improved relationships. Where, in the past, we might have felt the need to call or at least email someone to connect with them – to maintain a relationship – we are now able to hit ‘like’ and feel we have done our part to engage.

Not only that, but in a world where ‘image is everything’, it seems more and more that Facebook and Instagram are used by many as a ‘showcase’ of perfectly posed and edited selfies and carefully curated life moments designed to make their existence seem as exciting and amazing as possible. Even those who don’t design their feeds to present a particular ‘image’ naturally share the ‘good parts’ of their lives – events with friends and family, births and marriages, travel and trips. It is far too easy to compare our reality with someone else’s highlight reel and end up feeling inadequate, boring and alone.

When it seems like everyone else is having fun, has dozens of friends and has their life “together” it is hardly surprising that we look at our own life and feel it is lacking – or that we are lacking.

A common theme on our forums and in our chat room is that people feel like a failure compared to their friends and family – that ‘everyone else’ is happy and normal and doing all kinds of exciting things that they are not. This can lead to depression, anxiety and even suicidal thoughts.

Are Social Media Friends Really Friends?

The American Association of Pediatrics issued a report in 2011 with one of the first mentions of the phenomenon ‘Facebook Depression”. Our young people have grown up in a world where it is commonplace to have hundreds, if not thousands, of ‘friends’ and ‘followers’ and popularity is no longer measured by who wants to sit with you at lunch.

With friendship being measured by numbers and approval coming in the form of likes or retweets, it is easy to see how social media can become damaging and even dangerous, especially for people suffering from depression.

When you feel like you can’t turn to any of your hundreds of friends for support, help or advice it can feel like the whole world literally does not care about you. The line between ‘someone you know’ and real friends has become so blurred for teenagers and even young adults in their 20s due to social media, that having a core of three or four friends in ‘real life’ who will listen, support and give practical help is considered by many a social failure.

Add to this the fact that reaching out to people on social media for help or advice can often lead to virtual strangers, masquerading on your feed as ‘friends’ ignoring you or, worse, going out of their way to pull you down or call you out for ‘drama’, and the world can feel like a very lonely, isolating place.

Social media depression is a vicious cycle – people whose depression is related to or worsened by social media reach out for support via those channels and are all too often met with a lack of understanding and even cruelty. For people who are vulnerable and already having suicidal thoughts, social media could, quite literally, kill them.

Social Media Depression – Some Tips

• Limit the time you spend on social media and how many times a day you check it. Be strict with yourself and limit yourself to twice a day at the most and only for a maximum of 15 minutes at a time.
• Seek out support with close friends you see in real life or with communities geared toward listening and supporting instead of reaching out on social media to people who barely know you and might hurt you.
• Grab a sheet of paper and define for yourself what you consider a ‘friend’ to be. Be realistic about the differences between your friends and your social media acquaintances. It can be helpful to start thinking of and referring to them  as acquaintances to get this in perspective.
• Fill your time with ‘real world’ activities – working, volunteering and joining clubs and groups can get you away from the computer or phone and thinking about the things you are doing rather than the things other people are doing. Remember that ‘comparison is the thief of joy’.
• Talk to your doctor. This is especially important if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself. Depression is a real illness and it is nothing to feel ashamed of. There is help available and you deserve to feel better.

Remember that you are not alone. The horrible feelings you have are not unusual and they probably happen to even the people you think seem so happy and successful from their social media feed. If you need extra support or someone to talk to, join our community to use our chat rooms and forums.

Can Loneliness Really Kill You?

Research is reported to show that people who have no social supports and who feel alone have as greater increased risk of early death as alcoholic, while  succeeding in making friends can be as good for our health as giving up smoking. Spending too much time alone, particularly if that time is not filled with rewarding distractions, often leads to fatalistic thinking and philosophizing that, in turn, lead to damaging thought patterns. In addition to this, a lack of accountability to people who care about you and your welfare can mean that self destructive urges that are usually curbed by fear of worrying or upsetting loved ones can get completely out of control.

According to a study by Brigham Young University, the subjective feeling of loneliness – that is to say feeling alone whether or not you are, in fact, alone – can increase the chance of death by 26%. It is not just being alone that is a significant risk to ongoing good health; just feeling uncared for, unheard and unsupported can be almost as dangerous as actually being isolated.

Loneliness and  Mental Health

Loneliness is a key theme on our forums – people who feel alone find it harder to combat suicidal urges and deal with mental illness. The mental health charity Mind report that being lonely can add to mental health issues such as depression, loneliness and anxiety. It also suggests that loneliness can contribute to rarer mental health conditions such as schizophrenia.

Loneliness can have a significant impact on our mental health – The University Herald reported that a study by the University of Chicago found loneliness to be linked to disrupted sleep, increases in the stress hormone cortisol and an overall perceived lowering in general well-being. That loneliness can contribute to poor mental health is well documented, but it is important not to ignore the other side of the coin: that poor mental health can be the cause of increased loneliness and isolation, both subjectively and actually.

One of the key symptoms of clinical depression is a feeling of loneliness and sadness. Often this feeling is not objectively true, but depression does not often care for the facts. On top of this already heightened sense of isolation, depression also has the effect of reducing our interest in socializing and participating in activities we once found enjoyable. By withdrawing from these activities, spending less time in social situations, people suffering from mental health conditions often isolate themselves.

As depression, anxiety and eventually suicidal thoughts and impulses take hold of our life, we find it harder to talk to people and engage in negative thought patterns such as:

• My mental health is my problem; people shouldn’t have to deal with my ‘craziness’
• People don’t like me anyway; I should stay on my own so I am not rejected.
• I hurt everyone who cares about me; it is better for everyone if I am alone.
• Even if I go out and socialize I won’t have fun; there isn’t any point in trying.

If any of these thoughts sound familiar – it is likely that your mental health problems are making your feeling of loneliness worse. Tempting as it is to isolate ourselves, telling ourselves that it is saving us from pain in the long run, the truth is that we are creating our own pain through our actions. Knowing this is the first step to fighting this life threatening problem.

Practical Steps for Easing Loneliness

Loneliness, left alone, will only ever get worse. It is not something that will fix itself and not something that gets better without attention and effort. Unfortunately, new friends are unlikely to simply knock on the door.

There are lots of ways that people will suggest you ‘find new friends’ – most of them involve joining a club or group to find like-minded people. This is an excellent idea but the simple fact is that if you were in a place where you felt able to go and join a group of strangers, the chances are that you would not have stopped seeing your own friends and family in the first place. Sites like Meetup.com are an excellent resource for finding friendship and getting out of the house, but they are not necessarily the best ‘first step’ on the road to re-socializing.

The UK National Health Service recommends that people suffering from loneliness ‘learn to love computers’. It is indisputable that the internet makes connecting with people easier and less stressful for many people with social anxiety issues and who need to be able to speak to people on their own terms. Online communities can be an excellent place to start to build up broken down social confidence – on forums and in chat rooms, talking to people without normal social pressures. It is, however, important to remember that these communities are not a replacement for ‘real life’ social interaction. As a starting place they are excellent, but they should be a supplement to other social interaction.

Once your confidence has been rebuilt to some level you can try:

• Finding clubs and groups online – sites like Meetup offer groups with no obligation.
• Joining a church, if you are religiously inclined
• Taking a night class or day college course – most colleges offer short courses that can last as little as one day in all sorts of areas.
• Re-connect with old friends – often a simple apology for having dropped off the face of the planet for a while and an invitation to coffee is enough to start to rebuild a friendship.
• Volunteer for a charity or non-profit – having structure and a shared goal/purpose makes it easier to build friendships and eases social pressure.

Everything Starts with Starting

Making a beginning is the hardest part – but it is also the most important. Nothing changes unless something changes. Doing the brave thing today can make all the difference to your tomorrows. Here at SF we understand the difficulties that loneliness brings and we understand how hard it can be to start.