Why does it seem like no one likes me?

Why do I seem to not be able to keep the friends I make?

Have you ever noticed how some people seem to make friends like it is the easiest thing in the world? People seem to naturally like them and be drawn to them? Have you ever felt like no matter how hard you try, no matter how ‘nice’ you are, no matter how far out of your way you go to accommodate people, you always feel like you’re stuck on the outside of other people’s ‘friendship bubbles’ peering in?

By far the most common issue with our member is feeling like nobody cares – that there is nobody to talk to and that nobody likes them. The struggle to make friends, whether you are still in school or whether you are an adult, is a very real one for many many people. You are far from alone if you feel isolated and lonely.

It is a well documented fact that loneliness is a deadly condition. It contributes to poor health, lower life expectancy and, of course, a massively increased risk of suicide. It is easy to conclude that there is something ‘wrong’ with us, especially when we compare ourselves with people we think are socially superior or quite simply more ‘likable’ than we are. Sometimes it’s easier to tell ourselves we are defective than it is to take a good hard look at our lives, figure out what the ‘real’ problem is, and take steps to fix it.

I Need to Talk To Someone

If you need someone to talk to – if you need some immediate social interaction and to not have to face the pain and despair alone, join our forums – we have hundreds of active members every day who understand exactly what it is like to feel like there is nobody to talk to, all helping and supporting each other.

Often online interaction is far easier for people who have spent a long time isolated and alone. Having time to think through what it is you want to say, being able to delete and reword things until you are happy with them, and even not having to be self conscious about body language and ‘looking awkward’ makes online friendships easier and less stressful for many people. But the truth is that online friendships, wonderful as they often are, do not make up for a lack of rel life human interaction. The first step to fixing any problem is to really understand what is causing it, so its time to ask yourself:

Why DO I Have No Friends?

People end up feeling friendless for a number of reasons, and none of them are that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. if you are isolated and lack social interaction, there is most likely a reason for it. I don’t know you – I don’t know anything about your life. But after years and years of talking to hundreds of our members who struggle with friendship and socializing, there are a few common reasons.

Social isolation is often caused by one or more of the “D’s” – Distance, Difference, Depression. For many people on SF, it is all of these things; they may have physically moved away from friends (or friends have moved away from them) or may simply be in a place where any social groups or activities are some distance away from them. Equally, they are often very different from their old friends, or from people who they meet in their day to day lives, making it difficult to strike up conversation of find common ground. The most common issue, however, is that their depression lies to them, causes them to isolate themselves from people either because they believe they are hurting them, or because they believe they are disliked and unwanted by everyone.

Distance

Distance is one of the hardest issues to overcome. Continuing friendships over a long distance takes a lot of commitment and energy and very often, much like Long Distance Relationships, friendships that involve a several hour journey to hang out do not stand the test of time. Even if they do, it is impossible to see that person on a week to week basis so it does not help with normal social interaction when our friends are so far away. If distance is a problem for you – if there simply are no people in your vicinity with whom to strike up conversations or find activities that you enjoy, you may need to take a serious look at moving. It is never as easy done as said, and takes planning and investment (both in terms of energy and often money) but sometimes it is necessary to treat finding a fulfilling social life the same way as you would treat finding a job. if there are no opportunities where you are, it is better to look at moving than it is to remain unemployed (or in this case, friendless). Distance is nothing you ‘did wrong’ but it is a changeable circumstance. Maybe not this week or even this month – but of all of the ‘reasons’ that people are isolated and friendless, it is often the easiest to fix.

Difference

Friendship is built, fundamentally, on having something in common with someone. If you do not have anything to talk about that both parties find interesting and engaging, you are going to struggle to have a genuine relationship. Similarly, if you do not like doing the same things, you are going to find it difficult to spend time together. You need to figure out what it is that you like to do, then work out where the people who also like those things are. Look for clubs, groups, activities. Go online and dedicate some time to research. Then go to those places. And, if what you come up with as a list of the things you like to do is along the lines of ‘play video games and get drunk/high’ then accept that in order to find meaningful friendships you are going to have to make meaningful changes in your life.  Ask yourself if you need to expand your horizons and find new interests and hobbies in order to make friends.

There is a long propagated myth that to be ‘liked’ and have friends, all you have to do is “be yourself”. Unfortunately this ignores the fact that social and cultural conventions evolve because there is an acceptable way to behave. People like people that they can relate to and understand. If you go out of your way to be different and to not ‘fit in’ then it stands to reason that you are, in fact, not going to fit in. It may be (however much you do not want to) that you need to take a look at yourself and the choices you are making and figure out if you are limiting your potential friendship pool by making a conscious choice not to be approachable or relatable.

Depression

Depression and anxiety lie to us. They tell us that people don’t like us, don’t want us around and that we are better off alone. This is by far the hardest issue to content with because it is not just a situation or a choice you are fighting – it is a mental illness. I have personally stayed home or avoided a social gathering more times than I can possibly count because I feel worried, out of place and convinced that people don’t want to talk to me anyway. From years talking to other people with similar mental health problems to me, it is obvious that I am far from alone.

People often become ‘friendless’ because they repeatedly turn down invitations or blow off events and people simply stop inviting them. It is understandable for people to feel that YOU are rejecting THEM when you stand them up or cancel them at the last minute, or simply refuse to make plans at all. By isolating ourselves, we push ourselves deeper and deeper into a situation we cannot climb out from and we erode our social skills by locking ourselves away.

If this is you – and there is no shame in it, if it is – the number one most important thing you can do for your feelings of isolation and loneliness is see a doctor – get help. If possible, get some skills focused therapy to help you rebuild your self confidence and your social skills. And, as often as you can, “do it anyway”. Go to the social event anyway – even if you know it will be horrible and stressful – even if you know you will not enjoy it. Depression and anxiety make these things hard but the longer you do not do them for, the harder they become. It is important to remember that however hard it is, it is not impossible, even if it feels that way.

For support, friendship and advice – join our community and visit our forums and chat rooms. We have thousands of members who understand what it is to feel unwanted, friendless and alone. We want to help you.

Can Loneliness Really Kill You?

Research is reported to show that people who have no social supports and who feel alone have as greater increased risk of early death as alcoholic, while  succeeding in making friends can be as good for our health as giving up smoking. Spending too much time alone, particularly if that time is not filled with rewarding distractions, often leads to fatalistic thinking and philosophizing that, in turn, lead to damaging thought patterns. In addition to this, a lack of accountability to people who care about you and your welfare can mean that self destructive urges that are usually curbed by fear of worrying or upsetting loved ones can get completely out of control.

According to a study by Brigham Young University, the subjective feeling of loneliness – that is to say feeling alone whether or not you are, in fact, alone – can increase the chance of death by 26%. It is not just being alone that is a significant risk to ongoing good health; just feeling uncared for, unheard and unsupported can be almost as dangerous as actually being isolated.

Loneliness and  Mental Health

Loneliness is a key theme on our forums – people who feel alone find it harder to combat suicidal urges and deal with mental illness. The mental health charity Mind report that being lonely can add to mental health issues such as depression, loneliness and anxiety. It also suggests that loneliness can contribute to rarer mental health conditions such as schizophrenia.

Loneliness can have a significant impact on our mental health – The University Herald reported that a study by the University of Chicago found loneliness to be linked to disrupted sleep, increases in the stress hormone cortisol and an overall perceived lowering in general well-being. That loneliness can contribute to poor mental health is well documented, but it is important not to ignore the other side of the coin: that poor mental health can be the cause of increased loneliness and isolation, both subjectively and actually.

One of the key symptoms of clinical depression is a feeling of loneliness and sadness. Often this feeling is not objectively true, but depression does not often care for the facts. On top of this already heightened sense of isolation, depression also has the effect of reducing our interest in socializing and participating in activities we once found enjoyable. By withdrawing from these activities, spending less time in social situations, people suffering from mental health conditions often isolate themselves.

As depression, anxiety and eventually suicidal thoughts and impulses take hold of our life, we find it harder to talk to people and engage in negative thought patterns such as:

• My mental health is my problem; people shouldn’t have to deal with my ‘craziness’
• People don’t like me anyway; I should stay on my own so I am not rejected.
• I hurt everyone who cares about me; it is better for everyone if I am alone.
• Even if I go out and socialize I won’t have fun; there isn’t any point in trying.

If any of these thoughts sound familiar – it is likely that your mental health problems are making your feeling of loneliness worse. Tempting as it is to isolate ourselves, telling ourselves that it is saving us from pain in the long run, the truth is that we are creating our own pain through our actions. Knowing this is the first step to fighting this life threatening problem.

Practical Steps for Easing Loneliness

Loneliness, left alone, will only ever get worse. It is not something that will fix itself and not something that gets better without attention and effort. Unfortunately, new friends are unlikely to simply knock on the door.

There are lots of ways that people will suggest you ‘find new friends’ – most of them involve joining a club or group to find like-minded people. This is an excellent idea but the simple fact is that if you were in a place where you felt able to go and join a group of strangers, the chances are that you would not have stopped seeing your own friends and family in the first place. Sites like Meetup.com are an excellent resource for finding friendship and getting out of the house, but they are not necessarily the best ‘first step’ on the road to re-socializing.

The UK National Health Service recommends that people suffering from loneliness ‘learn to love computers’. It is indisputable that the internet makes connecting with people easier and less stressful for many people with social anxiety issues and who need to be able to speak to people on their own terms. Online communities can be an excellent place to start to build up broken down social confidence – on forums and in chat rooms, talking to people without normal social pressures. It is, however, important to remember that these communities are not a replacement for ‘real life’ social interaction. As a starting place they are excellent, but they should be a supplement to other social interaction.

Once your confidence has been rebuilt to some level you can try:

• Finding clubs and groups online – sites like Meetup offer groups with no obligation.
• Joining a church, if you are religiously inclined
• Taking a night class or day college course – most colleges offer short courses that can last as little as one day in all sorts of areas.
• Re-connect with old friends – often a simple apology for having dropped off the face of the planet for a while and an invitation to coffee is enough to start to rebuild a friendship.
• Volunteer for a charity or non-profit – having structure and a shared goal/purpose makes it easier to build friendships and eases social pressure.

Everything Starts with Starting

Making a beginning is the hardest part – but it is also the most important. Nothing changes unless something changes. Doing the brave thing today can make all the difference to your tomorrows. Here at SF we understand the difficulties that loneliness brings and we understand how hard it can be to start.