They seem to come out of nowhere… at times hitting us like a bus at full speed…

Other times they start off as a small seed… and grow like a rampant weed… suffocating out hope, dreams, aspirations and our will to live.

How do we deal with such pervasive thoughts when they wreak such havok in our lives? How can we prevent them from having such destructive sway over out actions, habits and ultimately our success or failure?

Well, here’s the thing… we are not the thoughts. The thoughts are a completely separate entity to us. They are like… well look at them like a gremlin inside of you – representative of every single negative experience you have ever been through. It is no more ‘you’ than your car is ‘you’ or your shoes are ‘you’. It is merely a ‘possession’ – something that has been acquired and can be dispensed with if we use the right strategies.

The gremlin likes to keep out of sight, well away from the daylight where you can see him for what he is. So he resides in our subconscious mind – the part of our brain that essentially operates on auto-pilot and projects onto our conscious thoughts.

Now, if this identity has supremacy in our subconscious mind, he has free will to project despair, hopelessness, anxiety and any and every other negative emotion he wants to onto our conscious thoughts…

He likes to play games on us. He’s mean, and cunning. He likes to give us brief reprieve and let us think that we’re making progress… and then he shuts out the light of hope all at once… and we plunge into an abysmal state of morbid depression.

He’s very difficult to identify. He is very comfortable in our subconscious mind… and he has a tenacious grip. He’s damn well going to fight to the last breath if we make a move to try and dislodge him and eject him from the territory he has usurped in our mind.

At times the battle with the gremlin feels well nigh impossible. Utterly hopeless.

But it’s not!

Now the number one reason it feels so desperately difficult is because that’s what the gremlin wants us to think. It’s not actually as hard as it looks…! Moreover, it’s not as complicated as it looks!

There are 3 basic steps required to dispel the gremlin and maintain control of our subconscious to ensure that he doesn’t make a reappearance.

Now these steps are not easy, I don’t want to give you that illusion for one moment.

They are: Confrontation, Displacement and Momentum

The first – confrontation – is absolutely the hardest. The hardest by far.

It involves facing off with the gremlin instead of constantly shutting him out and trying to ignore him and pretending he doesn’t exist.

Acknowledging our failures and the trauma of our past… accepting where we have could have done so much better… embracing our imperfections and realising that we still have a chance to get our life back on track! Anything that tells you otherwise is a lie.

All those nightmares that you keep running from… all those awful experiences you have been through… maybe you’ve had a lot of violence in your life… addictions… witnessed terrible things… been abused and bullied… wasted your life with trivial and damaging pursuits… perhaps engaged in physical self-harm or other destructive activities over a long period of time…

Whatever we are running from, we need to face. It is only by confronting our fears that we can name them for what they are and conquer them in view of moving forward in our lives.

This can be especially daunting as it involves taking responsibility where appropriate for things we might have hitherto blamed on others or on things outside of our control.

With something like an addiction for instance, we might have blamed on things or people that gave us stress and so we turned to alcohol or drugs or some other substance or activity to numb the anxiety. The fact of the matter is, however that very rarely are negative thought patterns nor behavioural traits completely outside of our control to regulate.

Now, an important aspect of confronting the gremlin is recognising which activities we have engaged in or not done in order try and block him out of thoughts. Perhaps you have a massive temper issue… and whenever negative thoughts surface, you get violent and destructive in an attempt to take your mind away from them…? Or do you turn to a debilitating addiction to numb the pain temporarily? Or are you a chronic workaholic… and you’re working yourself into the ground to try and escape? Or maybe with your load of guilt and regret you’re expending yourself unreasonably on a gigantic mountain of good deeds in an effort to appease yourself.

Or… what are you not doing in your vain attempts to keep your past at bay? Perhaps you’ve been abused or burnt by partner or friend and you’re terrified of trying another relationship… or finding new friends… and you withering away with loneliness… Or you don’t want to get a job because your last one was pure torture…

There is a vast multiplicity of methods we contrive to subdue the pain of our past… and ultimately every method is doomed to fail.

Except. Confrontation.

Having confronted our past, the next critical step is displacement.

Displacement entails that we take decisive and proactive steps to replace our negative thoughts and habitual behaviours. Instead of pressing snooze 12 times in the morning get up and get going when your alarm goes off. Instead of having whiskey numbers 2, 3, 4 and 8… have 5 glasses of water. Instead of going to the pub to gamble away your earnings… go for a walk!

The opportunities for positive alternative steps are endless…

Now the natural response is ‘huh! It’s easy for you to say that – it’s much harder to do in real life’ and don’t I damn well know it! Displacement is about desisting from what we’ve been doing and more importantly replacing that behaviour with something else. We can never defeat the gremlin by removing him then leaving our subconscious in a vacuum. It’s imperative that we fill the void with a positive alternative.

The third step momentum involves maintenance of a displacement regimen. Or in other words, we keep doing the positive things until they become unstoppable habits. Momentum is like the roaring waterfall that maintains the pure transparency of the lake.

You can do it my friend.

Cody has studied psychology and self-help strategies for many years and is very passionate about helping others to fulfill their potential and live happier lives.  

Loneliness is excruciating. Agonizing. Tortuous.

It would have to be one of the leading stimulants of depression, anxiety and a great number of other mental health struggles.

What is it about loneliness that is so painful? Why is it so hard to live with? Why is the burden of emotional isolation so crushing? And why is it that the more ‘connected’ we become with ‘friends’ on social media – or even in real life at times – the more solitary we feel?

For so many people today, isolation is the new norm. Our reservoirs of trust in the goodness of humanity are at an all-time low… and we feel the need to push people away to protect ourselves. We have exposed ourselves emotionally so many times… and been hurt beyond what words can describe.

Loneliness is rampant. On every hand, individuals are struggling to come to terms with feeling ignored, unappreciated, overlooked, despised and forgotten about.

We crave connection… we yearn affection… and we long for a warm cuddle with someone special. We just want to hear someone say ‘I love you!’ with all the sincerity they can muster.

Maybe there are many people in your life you can point to with assurance and say ‘I know for sure that they appreciate me and love me’. Perhaps you have a loving family… beautiful friends… and a loyal partner?

And yet…

You are slowly dying of loneliness. Your heart is atrophying and wasting away. In spite of your assets, your accomplishments, your house, your connections or any other material possession great or small, you feel that your life is losing meaning. Your energy is ebbing away.

‘Is life worth living?’ you ask yourself.

‘How much longer can I endure this torment and unrest before it finally overwhelms me completely?’ you muse negatively.

‘If only there was medication I could take to cure my great loneliness’ you ponder desperately.

The hollow emptiness that prevails in your life drives you to distraction.

Wait, did someone say distraction?

Oh, yes… that’s right. In our efforts to mitigate and appease the pain of loneliness, our minds turn to distractions to run from the anguish, to numb the distressing pangs of misery, to muffle the dull heavy thudding of an empty heart and to assuage the distressing ache of unrequited love.

Distractions. What do they do for us? What do they look like in real life?

Trashy reality TV… and binging on tacky TV shows for hours on end. Incessantly checking alerts on your phone. Days of morbid inactivity spent gaming online. Compulsively ingesting alcohol and drugs to dull your sensibilities. Scouring dating websites in an effort to find the love of your life. Consuming a vitriolic and turgid torrent of porn. Chronic internet browsing and lazy YouTube surfing. Clicking an endless tide of links directing you to life changing articles on the ‘5 cool tricks to be a millionaire by 30’ and ‘3 easy strategies to guarantee success in your life’, or ‘Take this pill and lose 20 pounds in 20 days’ blah, blah, blah…

Meh.

So what is the solution? What is the alternative to turning to distractions? Are we doomed to live a life of desolate solitude?

No!

The greatest antidote to loneliness is love and everything that stems from love: affection, kindness, happiness, compassion, peace, joy and patience. Any and every positive emotion, feeling and experience ultimately comes from love.

Think of your heart like a sponge. It is the body’s natural organ for dispensing and absorbing love. It gives us the means to foster and maintain a healthy buffer of ardor and passion which helps to avert us from being overwhelmed with the negativity all around.

What happens to a wet sponge in the process of time? Moisture evaporates and it dries out. Thus it is with the heart. We cannot let our hearts and affections lie dormant and hope that they will remain infused and brimming with love and energy. We must keep them constantly exposed to the gushing brook of good deeds, to the healing balm of pure motives and to the gentle dew of kind thoughts.

Now imagine our heart ‘sponge’ is dry, and we turn to distractions to alleviate the loneliness. Before very long our hearts are palpitating with a thick gunge of negativity and lethargy and we feel even worse than before.

Or, instead of distractions, our mind ruminates furiously with musings of envy, bitterness, anxiety, animosity, prejudice, victimization and self-pity. These thoughts have the same toxic effect on our hearts and leave us feeling emotionally destitute.

So… love. How do we get more of it? How do we keep our heart pulsing with the purity of true love?

Well, ‘love’ is a noun. But, wait… isn’t ‘love’ also a verb?! Yes! A doing word, a word involving movement, activity and action!

Love in operation is the surest way to ensure that we can consistently enjoy its healing and comforting balm in our lives. Love in operation means that we do loving things for others and think loving thoughts about others and say loving things where appropriate.

This, by necessity, includes a healthy love for ourselves. Which parts of our unique individuality can we look at with fond appreciation and affection? If you can find nothing then develop something within yourself that you can truly fall in love with. Achieve something, abstain from something or take action to get out of your vicious tailspin of failure and procrastination. Just do something that you can be proud of!

Something truly magnificent to consider is that love is its own motive!

Love negates selfishness, it dispels fears and calms troubled minds, it brings peace to the soul and overlays the path of life with happiness and joy; it inscribes a silver lining around clouds of disappointment and defeat and fills the lonely heart with comfort and contentment; it brings perspective to shattered dreams, healing to broken hearts and wisdom to the one confronted with exhausting unanswered questions.

May you, my friend, find true love in your life… and find that there is enough love to fill your heart to overflowing. May you see that love can be found and enjoyed in a greater way than you ever thought possible. True love never fails.

About the author: Cody has studied psychology and self-help strategies for many years and is very passionate about helping others to fulfill their potential and live happier lives. 

All you feel is pain and anxiety. Despair and hopelessness consume you… and you just wish that the mind that has gotten you into so much trouble had an ‘off’ switch. You wish that you could ‘think’ yourself out of existence.

Yes, your situation is unique and, yes, your suffering is very great. It is very likely that no-one that is close to you truly understands or appreciates what you are going through. You hurt so much that you ache physically… and no words or condolences can suffice to soothe your agony.

Firstly, I want to express my heartfelt compassion and sympathy for what you are going through.

Now, let’s take a step back and rationalize how you got to this very dark space. Mainly, suicidal thoughts come from one of two things 1. A major traumatic incident or 2. A long course of suffering and adversity or 3. Both of the previous points.

Either way, feeling suicidal isn’t necessarily ‘irrational’ or ‘stupid’ and doesn’t automatically indicate that you have mental health issues. What it does indicate, however, is that your pain is getting to the point of outweighing your coping resources.

So let’s look at it graphically… The scales below represent your emotional state. On the left hand side you have your coping resources and on the right hand side you have your pain.

Coping resources could be anything that helps you to handle an emotional crisis and to maintain the initiative when things get rough. Now, I believe that there are two principal categories of coping resources – the band aids and the medicines.

 Band aids are things that you use to get you through times of peak crisis.

• Talking to friends and family or to a helpline
• Chatting to people online
• Breathing exercises
• Journaling or writing a letter to yourself
• Anything else that you could use to distract your mind.

Medicines are things that can help stave off and prevent the crises or serve to minimise their dramatic impact on our emotional stability. The three prominent ‘medicinal’ coping resources that I believe are available to all of us are as follows:

• Love
• Learning
• Self-acceptance

Love doesn’t necessarily need to be love from other people. The more we think about and foster love for others – even those least deserving of our love – the more we will feel its soothing balm in our lives. Love for others doesn’t need to be expressed in some grandiose way… it doesn’t need to be demonstrated with great acts of benevolence or kindness. The key is to love – in thought and in deed – little and often.

Learning something new gives our brain a workout and gives it something to feed on rather than feeding on our problems and negative self-talk. A stagnated brain is like a garden covered in weeds – something easy to get depressed by. By constantly learning, we help to keep our brain ‘in shape’ and feel more empowered to make positive changes in our lives.

Self-acceptance is a big downer for many people as a low self-esteem can lead to feelings of great loneliness and isolation. Constant yearning for connection and acceptance are things that affect many people in society. When we find the pearl of goodness latent inside every one of us and genuinely start to appreciate it and develop it, this serves as a significant catalyst for change and self-acceptance.

As we work on building up our coping resources, we can better equip ourselves for riding out the rough times and we are better able to cope with emotional crises in a balanced frame of mind.

Now the thing with pain is that it’s largely a matter of perspective. I say this more from a rational perspective than from a warm fuzzy emotional perspective. A 10 meter wave looks infinitely more fearsome if you are sitting in the trough and waiting for it to crash mercilessly over you… than if you are looking at it from the vantage point of a light-house keeper perched high in his sanctuary of calm.

You might now say ‘what’s the relevance of perspective?’ Well the thing is that if you are in a crisis and feel that your coping resources are failing you then working on finding perspective to your pain can be very effective…

 Time is a very gentle and powerful healer… and will often bring perspective and peace to even the most traumatic of incidents. Recalling earlier experiences of crisis and how you got through them can help shine perspective into your desolate cave of suffering as can listening to others recount feelingly how they survived an emotional Auschwitz.

Whatever it is that has brought you to this place my friend, I want you to know that I truly believe you have the strength to get through it… and to come out the other side with greater strength, wisdom and compassion than ever before.

About the Author: Cody has studied psychology and self-help strategies for over a decade and is very passionate about helping others to fulfill their potential and live happier lives.