My dad

So I was born and my dad left right after.
He was addicted to hard drugs and was an alcoholic.
My mom was left with 4 kids to raise on her own.
A few years later 2 of my siblings would leave and stay with my dad after he got clean.
It was a really split family.
My mom found another husband later and we moved in with him.
But I think it was too late for me to have any father like bond to him.
He wanted me to call him dad, but I never could.
Later my other brother and my mom would get on real bad terms and he left as well.
My other 2 siblings would always make my mom out to be the "bad guy" in all of this
No matter what might have happened, Ill never understand this.
My mom have lots of issues
Im a lot like her actually
Later on I had a lot of sympathy for my dads situation
But at the end of the day, the responsibility was on him leaving. No matter what he went through.
And for all my moms faults, I think most would go a little crazy being left with 4 kids while on welfare.
My mom actually been there
No matter what, thats more than I can say about my dad.
We still talk and she loves me.
Ive later realized that lots of the issues I have has roots in this early rejection.
Trust issues. Self worth issues etc
I even had sexual fantasies about being with older men.
And I think that comes from that as well
I dont even think im actually gay
Ive been with men and it was never a good experience
I think I just longed for that affection
Even if in some twisted way that turned into be sexual in my mind.
I did talk to him over email almost a decade ago now.
I made it clear I didnt really want to meet him, at least not at that moment
But that I forgave him
He died last year.
He knew he was dying for a long time.
I didnt hear from him.
When I heard he was dying (not from that part of the family) I even found his number online and texted him.
I got no response.
No one from that part of the family told me.
I was not even invited to the funeral.
I probably wouldnt have went, but would I have liked to be invited? Yeah
I didnt receive a letter either after his passing
It brought up old wounds again
Almost like he went "How can I reject my son all over again"

It sucks that I have to forgive him all over again

Im debating whether to post this as its really personal
If I do I hope its possible to hide thread if I change my mind

Ofc it didnt help that people ended up knowing about this
This might be hard to understand for some, but at 15 I had no idea how a computer really worked.
Didnt grow up with smartphones and internet.
I was at my brothers place alone for a weekend after he had moved into an apartment.
I did start to explore some of my fantasies online.
And stupid me didnt realize he was obviously able to see that.
But Yeah
As Saul Goodman would say
"He sang like Celine Dion"
I now had to deal with people knowing about it
I felt humiliated, ashamed, disgusting
Was quite the traumatic experience
Contributed a lot to me beginning to isolate myself

Looking back I wish I could go back and tell myself that its wasnt that big of a deal, and who really cares
But it affected me deeply

My brother has since apologized for it at least
Not directly
To awkward to talk about I guess
Just more by saying "Sorry I sometimes was a bad brother"

I'm sorry your family was so troubled.
When parents divorce, it's common for one or both parents to talk trash about the other to their kids. I don't know if that's what explains the attitude of your siblings, but maybe.
That's good
I think that probably means a lot to her. Imagine having 4 kids and struggling to raise them on your own, but they all turn on you. I bet having at least one child that she's still connected to is really important to her.
Older people in particular might not use text, or someone may not respond to a text if they don't know who it has come from. He may have just ignored your text intentionally, but it's also possible to miss something like that.

I also wonder if it's possible that there was an "us/them" divide that was so strong that being on good terms with your mom made you "them".

In any case, I'm sorry it was like that.

Thanks May
Will respond later
Although the lack of responses here just made me regret sharing such personal stuff and feel like a freak

Well fuck me
Just delete this thread them
Bye

Hey, i just wanted to say you're not a freak at all, i can actually really relate to this thread. I come from a pretty split family myself, for different reasons. I often feel like my family has been one big complicated game of chess everyone's playing with everyone else, where i've been a more pivotal piece in their respective games than i'd have wanted to be. Family, especially a divided family like that, can be so incredibly complicated.

And so can figuring out who you are and what you want when your grander desires get mixed in with your sexuality. It's all just so messy and confusing, and it's something i'm still grappling with to this day.

You're definitely not alone, or a freak.

You're welcome!

Please don't worry about the lack of responses. Long threads tend to get fewer replies, for one thing. Also, if you post twice in a row on a thread, that means that it gets bumped of the unanswered threads list, which means fewer people see it.

It's also true that many threads only get one or two replies, it's just that the threads that have lots of replies get bumped up to the top of the new posts list.

Please give it some time and also consider that only a handful of members are online at certain times. Also, some members are more or less likely to reply to any threads than others.

I have learned to always give things a day or two, sometimes more for people to get on and read through what with work and family and other responsibilities. I know that I can seem like a ping pong ball bouncing back and forth on what, where and when I may reply. I admit that often times I may have little advice or things to add beyond what others may have put up. One of the positives for me throughout life and especially getting older has been patience.

If any misunderstood my post as negative comments toward being gay, then im sorry.
You guys dont understand how it was when I grew up and in my environment
I absolutely felt gross, ashamed etc
I had very low selfesteem and yet was too obsessed with being one of the "cool guys"
Even though I wasnt lol
But that doesnt mean I view gay people that way
But me so obsessed with being "cool" and then what I mentioned happened
It shattered my world
Made me paranoid and anxious to even interact with people.
And ofc after people made fun of me, laughed behind my back etc, it just made it much worse
I started isolating myself
Ofc I would later be assured there were more reasons to why I was affected so badly by it
I was not diagnosed at this point
Nowadays I couldnt give a crap about being one of the "cool guys" lmao

Thanks for comments btw, will not be responding right now
And sorry for my meltdown lol
I had an absolutely terrible day

You're welcome
It's ok, no worries. When you're dealing with intensely emotional and personal subjects, it's hard not to have strong reactions. Please be gentle with yourself.
I'm sorry it was so bad. You're welcome to say more about it if you'd like to.

I hope your day improves and never a problem with venting so I never view such as a meltdown. A good healthy letting off of some stress. Respond as you want and I am glad you have that don't give a about being considered one of the cool ones, or rather those believing they are that.

i wanted to let you know there are people listening to you. i don't have words right now or i would respond with more. Please just know that you are supported here.

Hey crashbandicoot. I'm sorry I didn't see your thread until now. I dont know how to express right now in the proper words how much I can empathize with you. My dad left me but at least I got a chance to know him. I can't imagine how it must feel to have that done to you. Just know it's not your fault. I will respond more later but just wanted you to know I get it and I'm here to support you whenever you need.

Except the sexuality part, my story is almost the same as yours.

But my father did search out for me before he died.

You did say that you forgave your father. I did that too, and I trust that he believed in my forgiveness.

Thank you Lisa for always being so kind and supportive

Yeah what a waste of time
Being cool back then is often what I consider the opposite of "cool" now
Funny how that works
Often just acting like a complete self important jackass

Thank you Amber
Very kind

Thank you very much
And Im sorry for you too 🤗

Im glad you got that closure

Sorry if I missed someone
Thank you all for the support