As I mentioned in the earlier posts, I have a godawful relationship with my parents, aka an absent toxic father and a BPD narcissistic mother. Lately I've been catching myself losing any connection I still have with my mom - I can't act normally around her anymore, I just can't help but get defensive and aggressive at any sign of her annoying comments about me and everything I do. I've noticed that I built up that kind of defense mechanism and I can no longer be calm and positive in my own house, not when I'm around her - I start to act aggressively to her in response, just like she does, and we argue ALL THE GODDAMN TIME
It really hurts. I just want to be..normal, yk? I don't want to be a POS to my own MOM. But it's like she just pulls it out of me. Forces me to build up a thorny shell just to avoid being bit by her mean words and prodding
I'm so jealous of people who have a normal relationship with their parents. Who can just..talk to their parents normally. Any time I try to talk with my father I just don't know how to do it - our conversations are short, awkward and uncomfortable, if they even happen, because we haven't talked since New Years this year.. And my mom? Hell, she doesn't let me say anything - if I try to talk to her, if I try to sit with her, she just starts to demean me, saying "oh what are you doing here? Don't you have anything better to do? I'm not in the mood for your clinginess. Stop hanging yourself on me. Why do you always come here when I'm home?" And it's been this way since my childhood. Well maybe I just want to feel like I matter to you, MOM. Maybe I just want to have a normal conversation with you for once, without you putting me down and putting me out as a dumbass for any possible reason. Maybe because it's normal for children to want to talk to their parents, no?!
I never felt needed. Never felt loved. I'm tired of living my life as a nuisance, as something that's just there and sometimes shows it's face. How did I even deserve this treatment?
I don't even feel anything towards her now, too. I still get the pains and the need for her love, yes, but I don't feel any sympathy towards her. No love, nothing. Tried hugging her today, but now I don't even want to try. I wanted to hug her when I was a child, I really did, physical gestures are my love language, but she always shrugged me off, her hugs feel empty and forced and LIFELESS. And I don't even want to hug her now. I don't want to talk to her. To my father, too. Why would I want any affection from people who so clearly want nothing to do with me? That's a waste of time. But it still goddamn hurts. Maybe it's just my stupid inner child, but I hope at some point I won't care at all
It really hurts. I just want to be..normal, yk? I don't want to be a POS to my own MOM. But it's like she just pulls it out of me. Forces me to build up a thorny shell just to avoid being bit by her mean words and prodding
I'm so jealous of people who have a normal relationship with their parents. Who can just..talk to their parents normally. Any time I try to talk with my father I just don't know how to do it - our conversations are short, awkward and uncomfortable, if they even happen, because we haven't talked since New Years this year.. And my mom? Hell, she doesn't let me say anything - if I try to talk to her, if I try to sit with her, she just starts to demean me, saying "oh what are you doing here? Don't you have anything better to do? I'm not in the mood for your clinginess. Stop hanging yourself on me. Why do you always come here when I'm home?" And it's been this way since my childhood. Well maybe I just want to feel like I matter to you, MOM. Maybe I just want to have a normal conversation with you for once, without you putting me down and putting me out as a dumbass for any possible reason. Maybe because it's normal for children to want to talk to their parents, no?!
I never felt needed. Never felt loved. I'm tired of living my life as a nuisance, as something that's just there and sometimes shows it's face. How did I even deserve this treatment?
I don't even feel anything towards her now, too. I still get the pains and the need for her love, yes, but I don't feel any sympathy towards her. No love, nothing. Tried hugging her today, but now I don't even want to try. I wanted to hug her when I was a child, I really did, physical gestures are my love language, but she always shrugged me off, her hugs feel empty and forced and LIFELESS. And I don't even want to hug her now. I don't want to talk to her. To my father, too. Why would I want any affection from people who so clearly want nothing to do with me? That's a waste of time. But it still goddamn hurts. Maybe it's just my stupid inner child, but I hope at some point I won't care at all
