It's kind of hopeless

I don't know if I am posting it at the right place.
I don't think I can keep going. I wish I had it in me to just end it.
I am not of a same mindset as people around me are and that creates a lot of conflict
I don't like the way I get abused everyday and I don't like how it's considered normal
I also feel really alone
I feel unsafe in my house because of the way my family is
But also I have noticed this , I also just feel like I am a sex object and I need to be covered up all the time and I don't like feeling that
I shouldn't be feeling this with my family members
They over sexualize so many things and I don't like it
Also they have said it and I also know this
They will be happy when I am away which is fine because I think I will be at peace away from them too
My mom is obsessed with me getting good grades because she thinks it gives her validation from other people of being a " good mother "
She pressures me into studying
She says so many bad things all the time
I am being forced to change my clothes now because they have overly sexualize it and I feel like not strong enough to argue
I thought I will not eat but they will force me to
I try to be fine with both my parents
I just don't pretend to love them
And my brother acts like a jerk but they still be fine with everything he does
I don't feel any hope from some time
Last night I was really thinking about this.
I don't know if I can move out , if I can go to college next year
If I can even go to the colleges I have thought about going to
It takes a lot in me to be alright.
I just don't want to be alive.
If I die , and my things get checked they will think I did it because of my ex
Because we broke up and I loved it so much
I don't want anyone to think that
I also wish I had some emotional support
I miss everyone
I just don't want to be here
Justice doens't exist
And they will get away with this
And it will not be taken seriously
I just don't feel I can take it anymore
I just wish I was strong enough to end it
Also I just miss him so much
Off topic lol but I was thinking that all the people that knew me
They probably feel so embarassed to think about me now
My mother calls me the problem child also I hurted everyone I was with
I wonder if he and all of them just feel relieved that we are not together anymore
I don't know why am I the way I am
I don't understand it
I have not seen anyone like me that's why everyone thinks I am a weirdo
I don't know why God created me
I just really don't want to be here
No one truly likes me and maybe it sucks but I really care about that

I don't think you're weird
I'm sorry that your circumstances are like that
I hope you'll be able to go away to college soon

You have a place here where you're listened to, and respected

peace

They say the best revenge is to live well.

I'm not here to be an apologist for your mother, but whatever her motives for pushing you to study and get good grades, you know that those good grades are what will enable you to escape from your family situation and achieve independence. You're not a wierdo, not at all, I promise. I'm surprised you haven't met anyone else like you, because your experiences and feelings are really common among intelligent teenage girls with controlling families, girls who long for freedom and feel frustrated by all the constraints put on them. I am sorry you split up with your boyfriend. Feeling grief over his loss, and missing him intently, is also normal. You wouldn't be the first person who has felt they would rather die than live without that certain someone.

I really hope you will stay strong and hold onto the plan of getting into college and moving away. No one can know ahead of time what the college experience will be like for them - but what if it's great? Or what if it's maybe not great but good enough to make it worthwhile? What if it turns out to be better than living at home? You need to hang around to find out.

I just feel really weak to keep going
I don't think I have it in me
Also he was not my boyfriend , I shouldn't have said ex
We never dated but it was not a situationship
And we were romantically involved
I appreciate all that you have said I also understand it
It's just I don't feel strong enough to keep going
But thankyou for replying I appreciate it

Thankyou for thinking that I am not weird
You are kind for saying that
So is licorice btw


Thankyou for your reply