Is it?

What is it when you go back to someone's hotel, knowing full well what's going to happen and you want to. But when it gets to that point, you tell them to put a condom on and they refuse and carry on, even though you tell them to stop.
What is that?

The sexual assault referral centre said it was rape. They want to take forensics but I don't know, I think it's too late for that anyway. It doesn't feel like rape. It feels like stupidity, like getting what I asked for, like consequences to my actions.

It's not like he attacked me, there are no bruises, no marks. He didn't hurt me or even hold me down. He just wouldn't stop.

Oh, I'm so sorry @Sunspots !
Um, Yes... I think so - though, I would probably defer to the sexual assault referral center with which you spoke. Only excuse otherwise I could come up with for him (& I'm no expert, so this is just my opinion) is if you somehow didn't communicate your intentions, or your wishes clearly or effectively. In other words, he didn't hear what it is you'd said... for some reason? I've very sorry to learn of this experience for you. And I hope you'll be alright.

Um, okay... so I just went back & read it again--& specifically with which what you'd said your instructions were to him & your demands. And I think I'm even more certain & convinced this time around. So could you, do you think at least get the forensic stuff done. So that you have it as evidence, in the event you decide to proceed with things in the future (whether that be tomorrow, or whenever)? Sorry, I'm not familiar with the legal aspects, or law on crimes and everything. Just trying to think in terms of common sense. Which can be hard to do, when you're in the moment of such a crisis as this.

Another way to look at it. . . is if the situation were reversed: & you were the aggressor; while he was the one begging you to stop without proper protection. And then you didn't. How would that then make you feel? Guilty? Or not... And it's not uncommon from what I understand for victims to put or place the blame on themselves. I don't know why that is? If it's the shock of the moment. But it seems to be something of human nature maybe, not only in the moment--but sometimes then carrying over to beyond that of the immediate aftermath (or into the future).

So, if you go & have the DNA collected then you will at least have it, in the event that you need it. And not the reverse (is my thinking. . .)
Which would be: want, and not have. . .

Well, not sure if this is going to help? But notice how it says, "...with or without force..."

[& Trigger Warning]

https://www.dictionary.com/browse/rape

Sorry for that to happen to you. Its a kind of rape and disrespect of common rules. Its crossing a border - flesh to flesh, real physical contact. However it is a tactical error from your side too: "Why did you not say, sorry you have to take a condom I am HIV positive? If not it's your risk?"

The other thing that may be very difficult for you to figure out or to determine now, is how you're going to feel in the years to come, when your conscience clears, and you are able to process what happened a little bit more concisely & precisely. So, in other words, I'd just hate to have you look back with any regrets. As those could stick or stay with you for quite some time (maybe even indefinitely) & provided that you're unable to come up with a successful resolution.

That is nonconsensual.

Sorry to be so blunt about it but yes, it was. You could have been all the way into it right up until the last minute- doesn't matter. As soon as you say stop, consent is withdrawn. You don't even have to say stop, anything that would make it known to the person that you're not into it is their queue to stop, there's no excuses and it's extremely rarely a case of "I didn't know or realise I had to"

If you took a cup of tea someone offered you but changed your mind and just set it down on the table, do they have a right to pour it down your throat? Sounds ludicrous but that's how clear it is with these things.

I'm so sorry that you crossed paths with actual scum, and it's so important for you to know that none of this is your fault, at all in no way shape of form and dont let your mind trick you into thinking it is. It might trick you into feeling like it was your fault because you wanted to have sex initially, you hooked up with a stranger, you didn't fight back, he didn't physically hurt you.. in these situations the body and mind can go into complete shock and freezing up is a thing. There doesn't have to be a physical response from you for it to be rape, nor do there have to be any physical marks, and consent at the beginning can be withdrawn at any time.

Please lean on your support networks - if you can go through the forensic, then absolutely do - but for sure take someone you feel safe with with you if that's possible. It's super unpleasant, and the road to proving it is rough. It's also absolutely okay if you don't want to do that either.

Sorry for the essay and bluntness, but it's a familiar topic for me. Please sincerely feel free to message if you have questions etc or anything like that.

It was not your fault.

as a man i apologize for this man. when i was young i never used a condom. i was lucky to not catch anything. if i were that man i would either agree to wear it, see if there is anything we could work out, do things a different way or just say ok i understand, maybe we can address it later in our relationship.

you are an adult with normal urges so you have a right to want a sexual relationship. as @Brân said when you say stop legally and morally he has to stop. it was definitely a form of rape. i hope you carry condoms with you so they know right off you mean business. i'm really sorry that you had to go through that. there are some good men out there

mike....

I'm sorry that happened to you
My understanding is that it's pretty absolute - "No means no", anything else is a sexual assault
It was not your fault

@1964dodge you are a good man. And @Brân - right - no means no. Its a kind of rape thus crime. Again something in this sick world which just makes me sad, vomit. Maybe I have seen too much, but women can and should defend themselves - be it physical, verbally etc. In all the shitty countries I have worked in, we had mandatory courses for women (mostly given by the UN or security companies) how to deal with situations like that (you do not follow the course, you will not work there). If a man does not understand how to behave or disrespects your limits in this way, you have the right to defend yourself and you should do it - in any way possible. You have the advantage of living in a country, where you can go to the police and take legal steps. This is not possible in other countries. I had to organize these courses for women in shitty countries - and they liked it. My wish would be that all women would learn that. Strategy is country specific - not to forget.

I am so sorry this happened to you @Sunspots. I’m afraid I agree with everyone else here. Stop means stop, in whatever way you said it, and he did t listen. He made you feel trapped and that you had no control over what was happening.
Remember, no guilt, this is not your fault, it is all his. As to having samples taken, this has to be your decision, your choice. You need to be in control of what happens next.
sending hugs. xx

Rape has nothing to do with still in place common thought around definitions of "feeling attacked" or making bruises or being overpowered. Rape is someone going against your wishes, desires, and willingness. He's Stupid, Selfish, and Narcissistic. There's no other way to see it other than he's disrespectful of women. You do what you need to in taking care of yourself, whatever that looks and feels like for you. I'm very sorry you had this experience.

As you asked him to stop, what happened was therefore non-consensual so in no way what happened was as a consequence of your actions. This one's all on him so I hope given time to process what happened, you'll be able to come round to seeing it that way.

I can conly but echo what others have already said about doing what feels is right for you regarding whether to report this or not. I do hope that you do have support around you for you to lean on as much or as little as you wish.
So sorry that you had to experience this.

Yes, it is rape. This happened to me in my teens. If you need to chat, PM is open x

This is in no way your fault. He should have stopped the second there was even an inkling that this wasn't what you wanted to do, whether or not you said anything. That's his responsibility as a human being. What he did was immoral and illegal.

Sad to hear what happened and definitely not your fault you have every right to say no, and to stop anything that you do not want happening to you.

Yes it is.
I'm sorry and I offer my support and stength to you @Sunspots

It is - as usual - difficult to even begin to heal when people see it as all about what the male wants and needs. But despite it being deeply imbedded in most all of us, that belief and the behaviours resulting from it are terribly wrong.
Rape is a non-consensual sex act.

It has happened to me. @Sunspots - PM me if you want anytime to discuss and get support about this.