(It’s really long and sorry if my english isn’t perfect i’m french)
i'm 20 and i wanted to stay a virgin until i got married. 6 months ago i had a summer job and met a guy who i immediately fell for. the kind of guy who's quiet and reserved but gives off an aura of absolute self-confidence. No matter how much I tried to approach him (in a friendly way), he didn't seem to want to talk to me, but on the other hand he was super attentive, watching my every move to make sure I didn't hurt myself and helping me finish my chores.
after 3 days he finally asked me to go on a date with him, which i accepted, as surprised as i was. he had offered to take me out for lunch. on the day of the date he was working and i wasn't, so he asked me to come with him to his place so he could have a shower before we both went out to eat. I agreed and that's how I ended up on a stranger's bed who, after insisting on asking me to be his girlfriend and getting an unconvinced "yes" from me, decided that was enough for us to sleep together right away.
I obviously refused. More than that, I pushed him away and explained that my intention was to remain a virgin. He still insisted for almost an hour and forced me to take a shower with him before giving up and we went to eat. I thought he'd stop insisting after that, but as the days went by he became more and more impatient. I did my best to satisfy him anyway < mod edit - rule 7 > and letting him touch me, but nothing helped, he was more and more insistent until one day, after a week, he wouldn't wait any longer.
he tackled me on his bed and I resisted as much as I could, clearly saying no and trying to push him away. What's hard at this point is that even though I'm absolutely sure I don't want to sleep with him, I can't help but feel desire for him. And finally I let go, I realize that it's going to happen anyway and my whole body is screaming at me to let go and that it'll probably hurt less if I don't resist. So he goes ahead, < mod edit > It hurt so much that I started screaming and crying for him to let go. He pulled out, took me in his arms, and lulled me over with light kisses until I calmed down. It lasted a while. It felt good. I thought it was over. But once I was completely calm he positioned himself again to finish what he'd started, still < mod edit >. I didn't scream, I just waited for it to pass. It wasn't any less painful than the first attempt, but I let it happen. When he'd finished, he took me into the bathroom to wash < mod edit >, then took me back to his room where I fell asleep in his arms, exhausted.
I should hate him for what he did. But if we put that day aside he has for the last 6 months been the best boyfriend I could have asked for. He's thoughtful, genuinely kind, takes care of me like no one ever has in my life. He treats me as if i was the most precious thing ever. He's always there for me, always comes to see me with little gifts, puts me before his friends, cooks for me, takes care of me when I've had a hard day, and I happily repay him for everything he gives me. He always smells so good. He reminds me every day how beautiful I am, even though I've gained weight since we've been together. He has really helped me feel good about myself and my physical appearance. I've never felt as beautiful as I do through his eyes. I love him deeply. When I'm in his arms, I finally feel loved. He often tells me how grateful he is to have me in his life.
But even though we're sexually fulfilled, I can't help but feel disgusted, soiled, when I think about the fact that we're sleeping together. I've spent many nights crying and endured many panic attacks because of the disgust and the thought that I'm going to hell. To this day, thinking about it makes me sick. He has apologized many times for what he did to me and now takes my needs seriously. He wants to try to make things right by marrying me.
i love him very much, but i can't forget.
should i leave him for what he did to me?
i'm 20 and i wanted to stay a virgin until i got married. 6 months ago i had a summer job and met a guy who i immediately fell for. the kind of guy who's quiet and reserved but gives off an aura of absolute self-confidence. No matter how much I tried to approach him (in a friendly way), he didn't seem to want to talk to me, but on the other hand he was super attentive, watching my every move to make sure I didn't hurt myself and helping me finish my chores.
after 3 days he finally asked me to go on a date with him, which i accepted, as surprised as i was. he had offered to take me out for lunch. on the day of the date he was working and i wasn't, so he asked me to come with him to his place so he could have a shower before we both went out to eat. I agreed and that's how I ended up on a stranger's bed who, after insisting on asking me to be his girlfriend and getting an unconvinced "yes" from me, decided that was enough for us to sleep together right away.
I obviously refused. More than that, I pushed him away and explained that my intention was to remain a virgin. He still insisted for almost an hour and forced me to take a shower with him before giving up and we went to eat. I thought he'd stop insisting after that, but as the days went by he became more and more impatient. I did my best to satisfy him anyway < mod edit - rule 7 > and letting him touch me, but nothing helped, he was more and more insistent until one day, after a week, he wouldn't wait any longer.
he tackled me on his bed and I resisted as much as I could, clearly saying no and trying to push him away. What's hard at this point is that even though I'm absolutely sure I don't want to sleep with him, I can't help but feel desire for him. And finally I let go, I realize that it's going to happen anyway and my whole body is screaming at me to let go and that it'll probably hurt less if I don't resist. So he goes ahead, < mod edit > It hurt so much that I started screaming and crying for him to let go. He pulled out, took me in his arms, and lulled me over with light kisses until I calmed down. It lasted a while. It felt good. I thought it was over. But once I was completely calm he positioned himself again to finish what he'd started, still < mod edit >. I didn't scream, I just waited for it to pass. It wasn't any less painful than the first attempt, but I let it happen. When he'd finished, he took me into the bathroom to wash < mod edit >, then took me back to his room where I fell asleep in his arms, exhausted.
I should hate him for what he did. But if we put that day aside he has for the last 6 months been the best boyfriend I could have asked for. He's thoughtful, genuinely kind, takes care of me like no one ever has in my life. He treats me as if i was the most precious thing ever. He's always there for me, always comes to see me with little gifts, puts me before his friends, cooks for me, takes care of me when I've had a hard day, and I happily repay him for everything he gives me. He always smells so good. He reminds me every day how beautiful I am, even though I've gained weight since we've been together. He has really helped me feel good about myself and my physical appearance. I've never felt as beautiful as I do through his eyes. I love him deeply. When I'm in his arms, I finally feel loved. He often tells me how grateful he is to have me in his life.
But even though we're sexually fulfilled, I can't help but feel disgusted, soiled, when I think about the fact that we're sleeping together. I've spent many nights crying and endured many panic attacks because of the disgust and the thought that I'm going to hell. To this day, thinking about it makes me sick. He has apologized many times for what he did to me and now takes my needs seriously. He wants to try to make things right by marrying me.
i love him very much, but i can't forget.
should i leave him for what he did to me?
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