Will I ever be happy again ?

I got my result today and I got 1st rank
I don't care much , marks don't define me
But I know some people and I also that I would have shared it with them if they would be here and they would be the happiest for me .
I remember last year it was such a banger , they were so happy and the year before that .
I just have this bittersweet feeling , have been feeling this . I hate moving on . I am terrible at it . My life , I am working towards my goals
I will go to college next year
Everything feels like it's happening so fast and it just strick me at times that even if I got everything I ever wanted and want , I will never be happy again. Which just tells life is quite meaningless
It's not. It's just , there are these people and you hand them your happiness
And everything feels so good , you don't think that it will end or you think about it so much that you don't live in the present moment while they are still there
Nonetheless when they are gone , what's left is just an empty space
And you realise a lot of things
I try to be my own responsible owner of my happiness and well being and that is to start from zero because I was always dependant upon others for it or after I started making deep friendships
Grief caused emptiness can never be filled
I wonder the one inside me is grief one or because I got so dependant upon them
I think it's both
Anyways , I studied because I have to , it's an obligation and a stepping stone for what I want to do in future
So I studied but studying only for obtaining marks is exhausting for me and I can't do it so I shifted my perspective and studied to learn something , to take something with me from this class , to have this workout for my brain
And it sucks and I hate studying ( our education system and what we are getting teached or how we are getting teached )
But since I got to , I do it for this .
And I am okay with the results , quite unexpected actually
I didn't thought to score so high
But my strong pursuit which is English language and literature
I ended up scoring a bit low in it and I was wondering why but it's alright.
Anyways , this , what I am feeling
Is part of grief .

Congratulations! I know it doesn't mean much to you, but it's still good
A lot of people think things like that, but it's usually not true. It may not necessarily be easy for things to get better, but I think they can get better.

One of the things I've noticed on the forums is that the people who who seem to go from being unhappy to happy the fastest are people who successfully escape from abusive relationships.
I wonder why too, because your English language skills seem perfect to me.

Sending hugs

Thanks
A lot of people think things like ?
Ahh I see , maybe that's true . But I wonder why did you said it . Would you like to tell ? The thing you said about escaping abusive relationships
xD I don't think they are perfect but thankyou
Sending hugs back 💜

Yes. Pretty much everyone who is suicidal sees no hope and believes that suicide is the only way out. Life gets better for many people though, much to their surprise. Members here will posts about it. I could try to find some links to their posts if you'd like.

What about this? I mentioned this because it sounds like your mom in particular has been very abusive for a long time.

Ahh about suicide , I don't think I will do it
I am scared for next year because I will be alone and you're more likely to hurt yourself when you are alone but overall I don't think so
I am really scared of the pain plus I do have my own mantra that I follow to live except at moments where I am reminded of my lost loved ones and I am like nothing really matters
But as I said I don't think I will do it , thankyou for your concern I appreciate it
Ahh , I see
I didn't knew you were talking about my mom
So , you're saying if I will be able to live a happy life I have more chances to escape her.
That is perhaps true .
Happy or not I just hope things get better regarding this shitty family . I can't force happiness you know
I try to do things and be happy but there are just some inevitable things like grief
I hate my mom and uncle
I don't like my family
I want to escape them so bad but at the same time it hurts to think that we are not a good family and maybe it will never get better with them and I know that would not be my fault
But
I want a happy healthy family too and it's just natural to feel that
Thankyou for everything that you do
Out of context but do you take dms ? I can't do it as of now but I will be able to very soon and there's something I want to talk to you about if you would like to obviously.

That's good

I guess it's not always the case, but a lot of people seem to get a lot happier when they escape from an abuser.

That's understandable. It would be nice if everyone could at least have a happy childhood in a loving home.

You're welcome!

What's dms? Do you mean like medications?

Ahan , that makes sense
Oh I mean direct messages
Or private messages on this forum ?

Oh yes, certainly

Okay
Thanks
I will see