can’t let go

I’ll keep this short. Been gone awhile so, for those that don’t know or don’t remember, my wife died suddemly and unexpectedly six years ago and I have not dealt with it well.

So, I still wear both of our wedding rings and I keep her ashes in my room. My therapist has been kinda pushing for me to stop doing both. She’s brought it up multiple times now. My reaction to that is… not positive. Taking off the rings, or putting her ashes somewhere feels like I’m letting it be okay that she’s gone. I can’t do that, and it kinda offends me that someone would even ask.

But she said something that stuck with me, and that I have trouble arguing against. She said it’s as though when Jessica died I dug her a grave, crawled in with her, and am refusing to come out. Kind of a blunt, almost harsh, way of putting it. Thing is, she’s not really wrong. Not entirely anyway. But that doesn’t change the fact that I just plain can’t do what she’s asking.

Seems like everyone wants or expects me to move on, but what is there to move on to that’s worth giving up the last remnants of the only thing that ever really mattered in my life?

I’ll keep this short. Been gone awhile so, for those that don’t know or don’t remember, my wife died suddemly and unexpectedly six years ago and I have not dealt with it well.

So, I still wear both of our wedding rings and I keep her ashes in my room. My therapist has been kinda pushing for me to stop doing both. She’s brought it up multiple times now. My reaction to that is… not positive. Taking off the rings, or putting her ashes somewhere feels like I’m letting it be okay that she’s gone. I can’t do that, and it kinda offends me that someone would even ask.

But she said something that stuck with me, and that I have trouble arguing against. She said it’s as though when Jessica died I dug her a grave, crawled in with her, and am refusing to come out. Kind of a blunt, almost harsh, way of putting it. Thing is, she’s not really wrong. Not entirely anyway. But that doesn’t change the fact that I just plain can’t do what she’s asking.

Seems like everyone wants or expects me to move on, but what is there to move on to that’s worth giving up the last remnants of the only thing that ever really mattered in my life?

How much does your therapist know about your current health condition?

I think, for now, you might take a certain amount of time to honestly consider. Not to act on anytning. Only to deeply look at how you feel about yourself. Are you wanting give that a go?

I hope I write this with the kind of care I feel here. You and your wife will no matter what always be bonded, nobody is going to change that fact.
Is it a positive idea that your wife would want to so to speak go forward with(in) you into a new chapter of your lives? If so, is there anything that interesrs you, that'd be your natural inclination.

I'm so sorry for your loss @Gonz .
It was a long time ago for me but due to my own experiences, I understand about not being able to let go.

That invisible solid brick wall that you simply cannot get past. Sometimes you can tell yourself that what they are asking you to do should be so simple and yet the thought of it just makes you feel sick.

While I obviously never knew her, it's also reasonable to say that being miserable in her memory is the last thing she ever would have wanted. You really owe it to her to strive to be happy, even if you never "move on".

i just have my own thoughts that may not apply at all but since i find this story touches me, i have a feeling my thoughts might matter and so i want to offer something.

my thoughts are that you should never end that part of your life - but being buried is kind of like an ending. how simple of me to think that i could even put words and expressions into her feelings when i don't have any access, but i still feel that celebrating jessica's life does not have to be something of only the sadness and being buried.

remembering does not need to be done in an isolated, sad or temporary way in order to be an appropriate celebration. i think her smile must still be alive and i think needs the happy back-up. that my by thinking would be how to not let go. grieving can always exist yet turns into the happiness and becomes grief that is a celebratorious thing instead.

and i don't think letting go of being buried, is letting go of her. it just allows you to feel good in a way that does feel good. it is no secret what she means to you. i feel it never should be a secret. and i think being in the world and not being buried can be freeing and become happy celebration. i think that wearing her ring - i personally think wearing hers alone - is good. to me, that is happy and is not being buried. the sacredity of this can allow you the freedom to move in the world and be present on the terms you need but find the happiness that exists around too.

👽

Hi

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can relate so much to everything that you have said.
My husband died 6 years ago this month but it feels like it was yesterday.
I wish it was as easy to move on as professionals seem to suggest.
Moving on seems to represent forgetting hubby and that's something I could never do.
I wish things were not so painful for us.
Hugs

So so tired.

I mean “moving on” feels a lot like letting go of what little sources of comfort I still have, and for what? What do I get in exchange for that? Nothing I actually want

What do you think Jessica would have wanted done with her ashes?

I see what you’re saying, but I just don’t see any way to put it into action in a way that would be genuine rather than just going through motions. It’s like I was saying, there’s nothing life has left to offer me, nothing I want.

To continue the metaphor, why should I climb up out of her grave and back into the world when all the world has ever done was kick me in the teeth while she’s the only bit of safety and comfort I’ve ever found?

She had a chance to prevent that. Many chances. If she wanted for me to not be miserable, she should have listened on the many many occasions when I begged her to stay clean and told her the pills were going to kill her.

Sorry. I love her and miss her so fucking much, but there’s still a lot of anger there too.