my poor baby died, a monster killed him

My little dog died, and it's totally my fault. I killed him. This will be the second time an innocent animal has died because of me. I hate myself so much. I've been trying to avoid this topic for a long time, but now I know. I know I hate myself for the disgusting person I've become. I went from hitting innocent little animals to now killing them. I'm truly sorry. I don't know how I got to this point. I used to sob for hours when I was little, pinching my dog just to make her cry, because for some reason I thought it was funny, and seconds later I would feel so sorry and cry, begging for forgiveness, telling her I wouldn't do it again. I was maybe 9 or 10, I don't know what was happening to me, and I promised myself I wouldn't treat my baby like that again. When my baby had babies, it was beautiful. Some of them were adopted by other people. Then I got another dog, who kept my first dog company.

Then I had a bunny, actually two, but one got lost while traveling, the other was with me for quite some time. But, while all this was going on, I think I've fallen to a point where I can't even take care of myself, let alone my mother; she can't either; her health is so bad. My dogs were starving; they barely ate because there wasn't anything, or we didn't buy anything, or we didn't have time to give them, or I simply couldn't get out of bed. I was a fool to think I could take care of animals when I was in such a depressed state. My dogs were practically starving to death. One night when Mom left me alone at home, I had forgotten to feed them. They chased my bunny. It was too late. I only heard a scream. It was raining heavily. I tried to stop them, but all I saw was my bunny mutilated while my two dogs ate it. The next morning I walked into the room and there was nothing of him

Currently, I had four dogs: Luna, the oldest, Rayo, Luna's partner, Skibidi, his son (they only had one), And Pepito (again, they only had one baby). He turned four months old on August 18th. But he died because I killed him, I starved him to death. Mom left me alone again because she had something urgent to do. Three days passed. I didn't move from bed, I couldn't, I can't, I didn't eat anything, I think only water
My dogs were starving, I couldn't even give them kibble. When my mom arrived, I gave him the food she brought, but the youngest (Pepito, who was 4 months old) wouldn't eat; he was so, so weak. My poor baby, it was totally my fault. I hadn't been able to feed them properly the previous few days either, but they were fine. The house is a mess, filthy, probably infested with fleas and ticks, which ended up on the dogs. I checked my dogs; they're full of them. Pepito was worse; he was the smallest; they sucked all his blood. I saw him so weak. My mom tried to help him, cut his hair, and cleaned him up a bit. He was extremely thin under his fluffy fur. She also gave him a pill for his stomach (he was very swollen). He slept all night, in the morning he was still alive, coming back from school I brought him some soup, he is much weaker than last night, he could no longer stand. He died a few hours ago, I couldn't even see him, I left him lying wrapped in a blanket outside my room, because I read that he needed warmth and it was sunny

Mom came home from work and saw him already dead. I'm so sorry, I'm disgusting, my house is disgusting. I don't have the strength to clean, bathe, or take care of myself. I don't know what to do with my house, it's full of fleas and other bugs. They're killing my dogs. I want to do a deep clean. I bought them shampoo. I don't want them to die. I know I'm a bad person, and I'm so sorry. No one who doesn't know how to take care of themselves should have a living being in their care. I really couldn't do anything. There are no hospitals, vet clinics, or pharmacies where I live. There's a bigger city about two hours away, but it's almost impossible to get a car at night

I'm sorry if anything isn't clear or out of place. I used the translator as quickly as I could. I don't speak English very well. I wish I could go without food for about three months and starve to death while fleas suck my blood. I think that's the least I deserve

Do you think maybe somebody else can care for the animals while you and your mother get stable living conditions? Friend? Relative?

Taking care of 4 dogs while depressed and poor is impossible. What could you do? Life is cruel and unfair an you ended up with a task you physically weren't up to. Monsters don't regret killing animals and they do it on purpose. From what you're saying it's clear that you loved your pets. And kids just torment pets all the time because they're frustrated or bored, and you even realized that it was wrong. It has nothing to do with your inability to care for them now. I agree with the other commenter that you should probably let someone else care for them for a while because it's just a burden you can't bear at this point

I'm sorry you lost your baby.

If you can't take care of your dogs, there might be a no-kill shelter that can care for them or let them get adopted.

Sending hugs

You are not a monster. You care deeply and you are suffering a great deal; a monster wouldn't do that. But you need to let these babies go so that you can focus on caring for yourself. So many people are struggling financially right now, and many simply can't afford to care for their pets any longer. There is no shame in acknowledging this and letting them go.

There will be an organisation in your country that cares for pets whose owners can no longer care for them. There may be more than one organisation, but all countries have at least one. You can find them on the internet. Other people here will no doubt disagree, but as a pet owner and animal lover, if there's truly no other option then I think it would be kinder to let them go to a shelter that euthanises unadoptable pets than keep them alive in the conditions you describe.

I agree with the above comments and @Licorice is right. A real monster would not care and would just ignore any thoughts. You care and are feeling sad and guilt. That is not the sign of a monster.

I agree with what @Licorice is saying. This doesn't make you a monster, but it shows this isn't a safe environment for these animals any more. If you don't want the other dogs' deaths on your conscience too, you need to give them to an organisation that can look after them.

I'm also wondering which country you live in, because there's actually a Youtuber here in England who works with people like you and your mother, to give homes a deep clean and help people get back in control of their household. She's very respectful of people's privacy, because she comes from the perspective of having found herself in a similar state in the past. Just something to consider if you happen to be in the UK.