Venting My transtypal diary

I DONT WANT TO BE EXFP 4W3 PLS FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ANYTHING BUT 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

I feel so called out by an Instagram meme. I don't read much, but sometimes I like to browse Kafka. but then according to these meme, Kafka primarily attracts "miserable and lonely people with DADDY ISSUES" meanwhile this other author i don't recognise attracts more "it is what it is" type people.

it makes me so upset, suicidal even, that everything about me everything about my thoughts and emotions screams "I AM SO EMOTIONAL DRAMATIC AND SEXY, WANT A LOVER" when my entire identity revolves around the opposite of that

my brother was right when he told me

"the more you want to be that way, the less you are that way"

i always feel depressed, bored and unmotivated during the day but by night i want to do everything in the world

i feel extreme dysphoria from being triggered by everything i see and needing constant emotional support from others because of it

I dont want to go outside because i feel like no matter how hard i try i will never be satisfied with how i dress. i feel so hurt whenrver i see others dressed better than me, i feel like i can never get the vibe right, and i find it so violating

i had yet another typal trigger

i locked myself out of my bathroom by accident. that is where my favourite clothes happen to be. i feel like such an esfp by letting this happen to myself (acting without thinking of the consequences)

and it brings back memories of the same thing happening months and months back. I m-worded in public (for the first time) because of it how embarrassing

i want to be olderbrothercore so badly

i feel extreme dysphoria from being triggered by everything i see and needing constant emotional support from others because of it

i get extremely triggered whenever a stranger is absent minded and i am not

every time i leave the house i feel so overwhelmed. coming to the re realisation that the rules for how i have to be arent so strict, and i feel bad because of it.

i get nrrvous whenever people approach me (eg bus times) i fesr they recognise me and theyre going to harass me

i feel overehelming waves of rmbarrsssment. i frel so uptight and on guard which makes me so sad becayse i want to apepar nonchalant so badly

i compare myself to strangers

its unbearable

It hurts so much to see cisgender gen z males. esp if they are skinny and nonchalant

i dont just want physical surgery to become to have a male physique

i also desperately want some kind of procedures to permanently 5w6 ify my mind. instill apathy, skinniness, sarcasm, carelessness, emotionlessness, dreaminess and mild introversion froever and ever snd then ill br SO HAPPY SO EUPHORIC

everywhere i go in public the recurring strangers or groups of strangers recognise me and they bukly me for beinf everything i HATE being it iS SO DISTRESSING

no wonder i want to be Snufkin. rather unrealistic ideal of living TOTALLY isolated from society, completely self sufficient. becahse people hurt me so much.

i feel like a stupid, dramatic, attention seeking, irrational, closed minded little child. the skinny nonchalant booys scare me so much i want to be exactly like them so badlt

i get so triggered whenevr others are more nonchalant than i am

or whebever i see literally any kind of male older than say 14 idk. even if theyre sorta fat or smth.

i want to be introverted yet i get mega jealous of confident, communicative ppl?

i also get triggeed whenever i pay for smth in a shop and the casbier says thank you pn my behald bc i dont

i remember how even bsck when i were at the kids home, how despertae i wrre to be ANTP 5w7 ish - skinny logicak dreamy sarcastic loser nerd twink. but the entire home treat md like the opposite (EXFJ 2w4), rrcommending Girls aloud and Fiat 500 and giftinf me loads of girly snaxks. i were devastated. the same applied after i moved out, desperate to appear as ANTP 5w7 as possible with my burberry military green skatebkard 80s and eadly 2000s math rock post hardcors maths violent video games etc and display it in my behaviour eg i like researching stuff, yet everyone treaf me like the opposite "get a boyfriend" "you havent been what ive been through" bullying me for being dramatic childidh attention seeking panicked etx evdrything i dont wamt to be it makes me suicidal