I feel like people don't understand me and I them

It's been like this all my life. I want to understand if it's something to do with my trauma (which is fixable) or my personality (which isn't).

I feel detached from most people. Like when I'm talking to them I'm trying to understand what they mean, what they want, and give them what they want. You could say "well your problem is people pleasing then" but it's not. I'm perfectly capable of being self centred and of not trying to mimic "normal people talking" and it just makes me feel even more alone. Other people listen but they don't understand. They can offer compassion, analysis, attention, but not understanding. They don't know where I'm coming from emotionally even if they can infer it analytically. They can solve my state but not relate to it. At least that's how I feel.

Sometimes I meet people who feel like they relate to me but every time these people happen to be emotionally unavailable. You could say "then you must be attracted to unavailability" but I'm not. There are many, many unavailable people, way more than the people who spark my interest. Tbh I don't get this whole fear of vulnerability thing. I'm confident I don't have it. It's not like I want to connection but fear it, with most people I genuinely just don't want it. I also don't seek out intensity or drama on the constant basis. I do sometimes when I feel particularly bad but it's not how I live life in general.

One could also say "you probably have autism" but I've talked to autistic people and I don't find that there are more people who get me among them than among the general population.

The trait that attracts me to people is when I see that they too exist in the world as an observer. That it's like they're outside and they see the social games and rules for what they are. When they're doing something uncool or weird thinking that it's normal. When they're honest with themselves, when they fight for truth even when it's difficult and uncomfortable. I can let my guard down only around people like this. I don't know why.

Some friends get really offended when I give some new rando more attention and affection than I do them. Totally fair but I don't really choose to feel this way. I don't know why I am this way.

Congrats on making it to the end. I don't think anyone will read this entire post though. Just throwing it into the void

Hello, I think that you are describing that you experience ”connection” in another way that other people do. I don’t think there is anything wrong with you- although, you mention traumas, and since I know nothing about it I cannot tell you if it maybe has to do something with them. I know what you mean by being able to talk and take part in different conversations yet still not feel understood. I hope you are feeling well. Sending hugs

Can you define what you mean by emotionally unavailable, or give a specific example of where you felt you could relate to someone but their emotional unavailability formed an obstacle to getting to know them better?

Not feeling understood by autistic people doesn't necessarily mean that you do or don't have autism.

It sounds like having this trait makes you feel so apart from the rest of society that you only see people with the same trait as part of your "tribe".

Maybe if you can find people who don't have this trait, but who can accept that you have it, you'll be able to learn to let them in. Maybe easier said than done, but if you want to have more or closer relationships than you do now, expanding the field of candidates might make things easier.

Thanks for a reply. I wouldn't really call it trauma, more like a defence mechanism. Basically from childhood it was more important for me to keep my autonomy than to earn love and approval of my parents. I didn't rebel against them nor tried to win their love. I just detached from them. My only goal was to not give away any information about my personality, what I like, what I am, so they can't degrade and humiliate me. I always thought that it only affects my parents because I see my parents and the rest of the human society as different things. I'm not ashamed of being myself in front of other people. But now I wonder if I carry over this pattern of detachment anyway.

Emotionally unavailable is basically avoiding intimacy or commitment of any kind, wanting to keep it surface level. When I feel this recognition with someone we start talking like we've known each other for 100 years and they seem as interested and enthusiastic as me at first. Then they begin avoiding meeting me or replying to me, constantly saying that they're tired, avoiding deep topics when talking and basically letting me know that anything deeper than being acquaintances that text each other about nothing once a week is too much for them.

Maybe I have autism but I'm just saying that it doesn't explain everything.

I have friends who fully accept me. But I still feel like a curiosity, like a weird and lovable friend, not like someone they relate to. Acceptance and understanding are not the same thing as I said. It's not about choice, it's about me being just unable to feel deep attachment and connection to people who don't feel like they really understand me. I've suffered from this existential isolation for years and years and of course I tried convincing myself that these types of bonds can fulfill my needs and for a while I can pretend that they do until I meet someone who actually makes me feel like I can breathe around them and then I realize I've just been fooling myself.

It could be that the sort of people who have this observer trait also tend to like privacy and time alone. Maybe you're more enthusiastic about connecting to them than they can handle.

I wonder if you could email some of these people and ask them to give you a frank assessment of why they'd like to keep you at arms length. I'm not sure you'll get that from them, but maybe.

If you can't establish a deep connection with observer types, I wonder if you could do something to modify your other relationships to make them more satisfying.

Of course I asked them. They usually say that they're "too busy/tired" even though they aren't busy or tired for other activities or people, and weren't for me before something triggered them. Or they say that they're just naturally like this and don't like talking to people. Even though they, again, liked talking to me up to some point.

But that's not the point. I can't fix the people I like and I can't pretend that I like the people I don't. I just want to know why I'm unable to connect with others like everyone else does. Why do I need these very specific conditions to feel alive with someone, to seek out their company

It is possible you carry this from childhood, maybe it has just stayed with you as a defense mechanism, as you say. I find this very logical, in a way, and I understand what you mean. Do you feel like your relationships with other people are like.. shallow because of this? (I’m just trying to understand better

I wouldn't call them shallow, more like empty. I don't know if it's a defence or not. I don't feel like I'm suppressing anything. I just genuinely feel like most people do not understand me and it's just hard for me to maintain relationships with them. It's just putting effort into something unrewarding. When I allow myself to not do it I finally feel free and like I'm not lying to anybody. I don't miss them when I let them go

Did your parents give you reason to fear they would degrade and humiliate you if you let them glimpse your true personality? Because if they did, that might be your answer. You're drawn to people who seem detacheded and uninterested in their fellow man, because they won't care enough to judge you. The kind of personality you describe as appealing is not necessarily autistic, but it's often autistic, and they do tend to be nonconforming and non-judgmental.

On the other hand, if you just born feeling your parents weren't to be trusted, then it might simply be your nature.

Well yeah they've been using everything they know about me to humiliate me all my life until one day I decided to not give them anything to work with. But I don't care about people's judgement and I'm not obsessive about it. Absence of judgement is just a feature of understanding me, not the main reason I like someone. I like people who seem like they existed without any support like I did. People who made themselves from nothing