I was in genuine pain i was having a meltdown from being so overwhelmed but they perceived me in the way i hate being perceived the most - attention seeking in a theatrical way, when my ultimate ideal self is invisible and stoic.
i was trying to <mod edit - methods>but all that happened was a security guard removing what i <Mod edit:methods> when i waited for a lift home i was still crying and the same people told me to "calm down" or "chill out" which made me cry even more, because emotional volatility is not part of my identity
"nonchalant" = "quiet"
hence the more anxious i appear, the louder i am
i must appear relaxed, calm, shy, patient
because the more the opposite i appear, the "fatter" i feel
i constantly worry i am way more of a sensor than an intuitive and way more of a feeler than a thinker.
because to be an extreme sensor and an extreme feeler when I want to be the opposite so badly that is hell.
i feel so much discomfort with my body. i seriously dont want curves. being skinny is part of my identity, and i hate the sensory feel of additional fat on my body.
the nurses witness me attempt suicide in hospital yet did nothing about it.
i dont want to go outside because it is just more and more reminders of how everything in the world keeps getting worse and worse. and my entire identity is under attack by like everything.
i was trying to <mod edit - methods>but all that happened was a security guard removing what i <Mod edit:methods> when i waited for a lift home i was still crying and the same people told me to "calm down" or "chill out" which made me cry even more, because emotional volatility is not part of my identity
"nonchalant" = "quiet"
hence the more anxious i appear, the louder i am
i must appear relaxed, calm, shy, patient
because the more the opposite i appear, the "fatter" i feel
i constantly worry i am way more of a sensor than an intuitive and way more of a feeler than a thinker.
because to be an extreme sensor and an extreme feeler when I want to be the opposite so badly that is hell.
i feel so much discomfort with my body. i seriously dont want curves. being skinny is part of my identity, and i hate the sensory feel of additional fat on my body.
the nurses witness me attempt suicide in hospital yet did nothing about it.
i dont want to go outside because it is just more and more reminders of how everything in the world keeps getting worse and worse. and my entire identity is under attack by like everything.
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