saturday on a pregablin comedown waking up at 2pm on August feels like Christmas day for some reason.
i am so sad i will have no one to celebrate Christmas with. no-one to receive presents from or eat festive food with. the opportunity to re-experience the childlike joy of Christmas will be completely gone. Except my family, but I went NC. I wouldn't be surprised if my brother would make me feel so bad I started crying, father would label my reactions as dramatic (and ofc so pissed the entire town could hear him), the shenanigans would continue as they eat christmas dinner, little step brother will receive no presents at all because he is that absorbed by the brainrot on his phone.
it made me just realise- the reason my brother is so stoic (a trait I idealise) is because he does not want his father to label him as dramatic because he labelled me as dramatic first.
my ig feed is so triggering.
"abusers control the clothes you wear"
everything about myself that defines my sense of identity and means everything to me - not just clothes but also music taste, video games, technology, aesthetics, vocabulary, ways of performing actions, ways of thinking, everything that constitutes the "vibes" a person gives off - is all reduced to something as shallow as a person's outfit.
my brother was so right when he agreed with me, "the more you want to be that way the less you are that way" and it completely breaks my heart.
i won't be complimented for being cool, chill, skinny, or smart. i'll instead be complimented for being a BeAuTiFuL wOmAn or EmOtIoNaLlY iNtElLiGeNt.
i'll never pass, i'll never transition. and the norm now is that you don't even have to pass or transition, and you are dramatic by wanting to.
no-one cares as much as i do, when my self-worth is tied into being apathetic.
everyone is dissociating except me. that hurts as much as an anorexic surrounded by loads of people getting skinnier and skinnier and skinnier than they are.
me wanting to skateboard, smoke weed and play video games is not trying to induce gender euphoria. i'm just a pick-me.
peoples language would get so fucked up that i will meanwhile sound increasingly more and more formal in comparison, which I find very embarrassing.
i will get told "calm down" every time I breathe.
the rules for what counts as "dramatic" will get lower and lower. i will be invalidated more and more.
everyone around me is way more apathetic and more absent-minded than I am.
everyone is autistic.
people I do not recognise at all inexplicably recognise me in public, and say or do things to me or about me that completely hurt my feelings and ruin my day, because it's about how I do and do not want to be and be perceived as.
the identity I latch on to ,in order to not feel unbearable emotional distress, will become more and more out of reach by everything. i am doomed to become everything i do not want to be.
Sniffmaiden (same initials as Scary Mary lol) is basically everything you do not want to be. As you may have guessed it is indeed literally Sniff and Snorkmaiden combined into the same person. They combine the dramaticness of Snorkmaiden with the easily panicked and materialistic nature of Sniff. but also with closed-mindedness, shallowness and excessive image-concern, impulsive behaviour but also caring way too much about things they're not supposed to care about, and screaming loudly at everything added to the mix. they exhibit strong histrionic traits yet they are socially inept and the subject of constant ridicule.
i am so sad i will have no one to celebrate Christmas with. no-one to receive presents from or eat festive food with. the opportunity to re-experience the childlike joy of Christmas will be completely gone. Except my family, but I went NC. I wouldn't be surprised if my brother would make me feel so bad I started crying, father would label my reactions as dramatic (and ofc so pissed the entire town could hear him), the shenanigans would continue as they eat christmas dinner, little step brother will receive no presents at all because he is that absorbed by the brainrot on his phone.
it made me just realise- the reason my brother is so stoic (a trait I idealise) is because he does not want his father to label him as dramatic because he labelled me as dramatic first.
my ig feed is so triggering.
"abusers control the clothes you wear"
everything about myself that defines my sense of identity and means everything to me - not just clothes but also music taste, video games, technology, aesthetics, vocabulary, ways of performing actions, ways of thinking, everything that constitutes the "vibes" a person gives off - is all reduced to something as shallow as a person's outfit.
my brother was so right when he agreed with me, "the more you want to be that way the less you are that way" and it completely breaks my heart.
i won't be complimented for being cool, chill, skinny, or smart. i'll instead be complimented for being a BeAuTiFuL wOmAn or EmOtIoNaLlY iNtElLiGeNt.
i'll never pass, i'll never transition. and the norm now is that you don't even have to pass or transition, and you are dramatic by wanting to.
no-one cares as much as i do, when my self-worth is tied into being apathetic.
everyone is dissociating except me. that hurts as much as an anorexic surrounded by loads of people getting skinnier and skinnier and skinnier than they are.
me wanting to skateboard, smoke weed and play video games is not trying to induce gender euphoria. i'm just a pick-me.
peoples language would get so fucked up that i will meanwhile sound increasingly more and more formal in comparison, which I find very embarrassing.
i will get told "calm down" every time I breathe.
the rules for what counts as "dramatic" will get lower and lower. i will be invalidated more and more.
everyone around me is way more apathetic and more absent-minded than I am.
everyone is autistic.
people I do not recognise at all inexplicably recognise me in public, and say or do things to me or about me that completely hurt my feelings and ruin my day, because it's about how I do and do not want to be and be perceived as.
the identity I latch on to ,in order to not feel unbearable emotional distress, will become more and more out of reach by everything. i am doomed to become everything i do not want to be.
Sniffmaiden (same initials as Scary Mary lol) is basically everything you do not want to be. As you may have guessed it is indeed literally Sniff and Snorkmaiden combined into the same person. They combine the dramaticness of Snorkmaiden with the easily panicked and materialistic nature of Sniff. but also with closed-mindedness, shallowness and excessive image-concern, impulsive behaviour but also caring way too much about things they're not supposed to care about, and screaming loudly at everything added to the mix. they exhibit strong histrionic traits yet they are socially inept and the subject of constant ridicule.
