This is the only place where nobody knows me

I don't know, it's a half positive and half negative post. I didn't even know how to name this thread.
I have only one social circle and this is basically the only place outside of it so I can just talk about stuff without thinking about how it will make me look or how it will make others feel.

First of all I found a job in winter and have been working for five months. It's been okay for months but then I began feeling progressively worse and ended up collapsing from dizziness several times during one week. Turns out I have something called POTS and my nervous system is extra sensitive to stress, sound, light, and especially the chemicals I was exposed to at work namely solvents and epoxy. So I had to leave and I felt like shit for at least two months more, constantly being dizzy, having blue lips, sometimes I couldn't stand for hours and sometimes I had diarrhoea for an entire day.

I began feeling like a failure and a burden again and long story short I pushed one of my close friends away with my behaviour and I needed about a week to even accept this reality. She thinks that I'm ungrateful and that I hate her. But I guess it's fair because I get really insufferable when I feel bad and people read my desire to isolate myself and my belief that everyone's better off without me as hostility.

I was also running an online community for about a year now and it started off really good. But lately it's like everyone hates everyone now and there's no place for polite or productive discussions anymore. It's like people just stated looking for things to get triggered by to get on the moral high horse and to have a "good" reason to bully someone. I've no desire to try to fix it. If they want the space to be a garbage dump so be it.

Also I've applied to college to study architecture. The good thing is that it's something that is both interesting to me and has a real world application. Mostly things are either one or the other. Also I won't feel useless and won't feel ashamed of myself all the time. But also the entry tests were purely symbolic and they mostly looked at the school grades to decide if you can get a free education (it's a feature of my country). My test was great but my school grades are shit so I didn't get it. I've been to school almost 10 years ago and I can't retake it so that's stupid.

That's an update on my life all yall. I'll appreciate your comments

I understand about isolating when feeling bad. I hope your friend ends up understand, and that it turns out alright.

That's nice of you to run an online community. Sorry about people getting all moral; seems us humans fall into that behaviour regularly. Maybe the tendency to do it, and to form us vs them groups is hardwired in our brains.

So are you still going to give studying architecture a go? despite it not being free, or something esle?
Architecture was what I wanted to do but also didn't have the grades. I still think I would've been good at it and enjoyed it.

I have wondered about POTS in relation to myself, because of certain symptoms and reactions that happen during stress. Similar to what you described - and they come on all of a sudden. Did the doctor say there's a medicine that'd help, a diet, or a lifestyle change, or what. If you don't mind me asking - if you don't want to go into it, that's fine.

Thanks for a detailed response

I think my friend is not a typical person, if she decides to cut someone off its more or less forever. Maybe I'll contact her way later, like several years later, when I'm not prone to suicidal episodes. But at this point I think it's for the best. She invested a lot in me and cared a lot. I couldn't return it.

Yeah it's not very expensive here, it's just a college in some mid tier town, I'm just pissed the entry tests didn't amount to nothing. Not to brag but my academic drawing skills are pretty good

Pots is an autonomous nervous system disorder so basically you avoid the symptoms by not stressing the nervous system and the body. And hydrating. Idk I just feel like it makes you extra fragile under stress. Everyone else from that workplace feels ok while I got debilitated

Is there something architecture connected that you could get into with your grades? Some kind of skilled trade? AI is going to be replacing a lot of architects, but it won't be so easy to replace skilled tradesmen.