i have a theory, and i feel DOOMED

characteristics of my ideal self

-careless, nonchalant, does not pay much attention to what he is saying

-detached, uses vocabulary in a way you'll never see a bot see

-deep and philosophical

-skinny

-gamer, likes physical media, likely also likes skateboarding and art.

-nocturnal

-intellectual

-hides negative emotions and emotional distress

-thick fluffy wavy hair

-unconcerned about social status or other peoples' opinions

-authentic, not performative

-avoids drawing attention to himself, shy

-dissociates, dp dr

-minimalistic, low maintenance

-absent minded, low awareness of surroundings

-semi-androgynous "soft masculine"

-baggy (but not oversized) clothes, muted / monochrome colours.

-asexual, is never sexualised, completely uninterested in dating

-introverted and thin generation Z male



the more i am like that myself, the better i feel

the more other people are like that than i am, the worse i feel



but it is not definable with psychological or physical characteristics alone. it's more VIBES something you cant explain.



i could be going crazy or being biased but i have a theory that may indeed be the case. that i will become more and more the opposite with time no matter how hard i try or how much i wish to believe otherwise, and everyone around me (regardless of age or sex) will become more and more like that list than I am with time, no matter how hard I try, hence I am doomed to experience more and more overwhelming unbearable emotional pain with age. and it may have something to do with simultation theory.

the inexplicable occurs: everywhere i go members of the public i do not recognise at all talk to me and imply i am over-reacting, obsessed with finding a romantic partner, hysterical etc. what counts as being dramatic will get lower and lower, and i will give too many fucks in so many ways i never thought about. i could write endlessly about theories of idk the afterlife dream interpretation mathematics higher dimensions etc only for the comments i receive to be something like "get a boyfriend".

and i am helpless. finding therapy is more or less impossible. i have no support system.

in addition to that, transphobia is on the rise (apparently). and even if it isn't, I have to wait multiple years for HRT and I doubt I'd even be able to access it in the first place.

You don't need to start a new thread every time you post. It is better to build on the old ones.

i felt SO triggered when i paid for my stff in the co op and i got asked if i had a co op loyalty card. i dont normally get told that and i didnt see anyone else get asked that - hence they think i am very greedy and materialistic and love to spend money, the opposite of my ideal self



when i am in public i feel compelled to follow the anti-histrionic code. bec any deviations hurt.

-dont express emotion.

-move slowly and steadily, not eagerly and desperately.

-say please and thank you.

-if you speak, have a chill tone of voice.

-do not spend more than you need. buy as minimally as possible.

-do not overshare or cry or breakdown in public.

-do not wear weird brightly coloured clothing.



i was also triggered how on roblox someone claimed the backrooms password was 69. meaning that the backrooms is instead the OPPOSITE OF ASEXUAL.



my identity is violated by everything everywhere all of the time everywhere i go. i wish i could not use the internet at all permanently and never leave the house ever again but i cannot. if i am not perceived by others as a skinny lanky logically detached emotionally inexpressive asexual young man, i feel enormous emotional pain.

I am always asked in every shop whether I have a loyalty card. The people working the till are trained to ask this question of everyone. If you're not asked, it's either because the till assistant is sick of asking people or because the shop doesn't have a card.

i am too overwhelmed with dysphoria to function
i hate the way i write
i am baffled by how members of the neighbourhood say "i love you" or "scary mary" to me every time they see me and every time it happens it leaves me shaken for weeks
all of my interests and curiosities are fundamentally out of erotic desire which i find dysphoric as an asexual