Right now I feel far too numb to feel suicidal but for some reason I still do. Yesterday was my birthday and I had to remind everyone about it. I know everyone has their own lives but a happy birthday would've felt good considering all I've been going through. Part of me wants to keep fighting, part of me feels hope. But the other part is much larger and I feel like there is no hope for me. I feel like everyone hates me and no one understands me. I have severe trauma from all the things I've experienced in my life. I wish I didn't. I wish I didn't feel anything ever. I feel like I'm barely even human. I don't care if I live or die. I'm broken. I've deleted all of my social media accounts. I was gonna end this fuckin joke a couple months back. I wish I did. Whether things are going good or bad I know I will not be happy. I wish it wasn't something I cared about. How am I supposed to live when I cannot enjoy a thing and everyone I talk to fuckin hates me. I'm just being myself. I wish I felt nothing at all. I wish I didn't have these mental health issues that fuck up my life. I wish I knew what to do to be happy. I used to pray but now I feel like even God has left me. I just don't know anymore. It's like there's this hole in my chest and I can't fill it. Everyone else is living and I'm just existing. I wish I were dead. Every single day. I can't own < mod edit - method >, so that's not a way out for me. I've been back and forth to the subway so many times. I wish I could do it. I feel pathetic. No one gives a fuck. They just ridicule you and tell you to suck it up. I feel so alone. It's like I'm in a deep dark pit and I can't see a way out. I won't even lie, when I think about death it gives me peace. It makes me feel good to think about no longer waking up. No longer being a loser and a disappointment. No longer being an invisible POS no one cares about. My pain will be gone, my troubles will be gone and my worries will be gone. People say "if someone wants to die they'll take their own life." It's so much easier to say that than it is to throw yourself < mod edit - method > or remove the thoughts from your head or hang up your own suit while wearing it. I don't want to live but I don't know what's beyond this life. I don't want to die, but this life is like torture. I wish I could be like everyone else. And I wish God hadn't cursed me with these burdens. I often don't even believe anything will ever get better. I'm tired of stumbling through life making sand castles just for someone to kick them down. And I'm tired of trying to make things work. I don't have what it takes to hurt myself rn. But I think I'd find peace if I did.
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. god hasn't forgotten you so if you still have faith please keep praying. you are not pathetic in any way and i'm pleased that you are fighting to stay alive. you are not a loser you are just strugglig right now. please try to hold on, you are not alone. please feel free to use my inbox to vent/talk anytime
