Venting I WANT TO DIE BUT IM TOO SCARED

being emotionally vulnerable gives me gender dysphoria.

ive had to put up with members of the public sexualising me, commenting or ridiculing brain-dysphoric trsits such as emotional expressiveness (i identify as a cold rational chill stoic inexpressive unflappable detached person, its evident in all of my favourite things. behaving or being perceived as the opposite makes me want to d13), making assumptions that i am materialistic or "normie" which again makes me spiral and worsens feelings of brain dysphoria

i spiralled last autumn when youtubrr commenters poked at my deepest insecurities. and the "get a boyfriend" comment.

my family misgenders me that is why i cut off contact. and when i were in foster care the typedentity violation was rampant

I WANT TO DIE

if i get misgendered in public i complain.
if my ideal self gets misgendered in public he hides his pain.

my own reactions in real time betray my sense of identity.

i am too connected to the external world and that makes me suicidal

another thing that gives me brain dysphoria is being so open about my distress bevause i am desperate to be validated, meanwhile my ideal self keeps his distress private (to not disturb the peace, or because of societal standards of masculinity)

Hugs 3nuf