Feeling hemmed in by a friend

I have a friend in particular that I am writing about. He’s a very social person who has a good heart but I am starting to feel smothered by him because he has few friends. Maybe two or three total. He is very sad about not being able to make and keep new friends and sometimes his emotional pain is so much that I have to distance myself from him and that causes him much more anxiety and depression and puts more guilt on me. My sister tonight called my “date “ when I mentioned that we were going to a concert in the summer. He called me up tonight because (1) the library where he hangs out on Sundays is closing on weekends for the summer and he wants to hangout with me and two another person whom he met has ghosted him probably because he contacted them too much.

I don’t know what to do about him. I want to remain friends but I can’t be with him every weekend because everyone else wants a piece of my free time too. I’m having trouble with his misery and I’m tired of being there all the time. I have an occasional day off and I have not told him because that’s MY day which is in trouble since other people want me to spend time on my day off with them. i don’t want another person demanding my time on my day off. But to get back to my friend he’s got to do the work to help himself out and I need to distance myself. Which means that he will tailspin down emotionally.

any advice?

I'm sorry this is happening.

It sounds like he would benefit from trying to make a network of support, and then being careful not to put too much pressure on any one part.

Maybe you could encourage him to become a member of SF?

Couples counselors seem to be mostly for people who are romantically involved, but I don't see why they couldn't also help work out issues with friendships too. That would be an investment of both time and money that you'd both have to agree to, but that might be an option.

Similarly couples counseling phone apps like "lasting" might in principle be worth a try.

It's also possible that you could work things out with him directly. Maybe you could send him an email that makes clear that you value his friendship but also that there are boundaries that have to be observed in order for the friendship to be maintained.

Just my two cents, I hope things can work out.

For what it's worth, my advice is that you tell him exactly this. Be as honest as you can. I have struggled all my life because people weren't honest with me. No doubt they imagined they were sparing my feelings, but really they were just sparing themselves, while compounding my own suffering with bewilderment.

He sounds more than a bit smother-y. It's sad when social interactions get convoluted like this. I wonder if he has a condition which causes him to unknowingly over-step boundaries. I agree with @Licorice. Give him true, precise information about what kind & duration of time you have for him. Keep as much of your personal detail out of it as possible, which admittedly is a fine line to tread. You have every right to keep your alone-time-dates with yourself sacrosanct.

It’s been awhile since I’ve reviewed this thread but I need to vent. I have been busy the last couple of weeks so I have not been available on weekends due to travel and work. However tonight he called with some bad news about his job. He as a security guard has gotten into trouble with another employee and may lose his job. He wanted to do something together because he’s upset and lonely. I had to lie and say that I was going to a church cookout but in reality I am going to a family cookout and my brother wanted to keep it strictly family. My friend if he found out about it would be hurt because he wasn’t invited. yes he knows my family. Yes I am booked up all weekend.
when I was struggling to find friends to hang with on weekends my therapist made me schedule plans to be with others before the weekend came. I mentioned it to my friend who ignored my advice. He mentioned he was going to need some more support emotionally from me for a while which I understand but I’m struggling myself with issues that are work related.

I don’t know what to do. My other friend offered to spend time with him which when offered the friend in question turned down the offer. I’m just venting because I’m going to have to be there but I’m dreading the future that is coming. And I feel like I’m selfish but I need to draw boundaries to protect myself.
thanks for letting me vent. Any advice would help. I’m non confrontational so I haven’t addressed the issue yet with him.

It is okay to take care of yourself before taking care of others.

If you aren’t available to hang out then set boundaries. It is okay to be honest and admit that you have limited time due to lots of personal obligations.

Maybe schedule a time to talk and keep that time frame, be it 30 minutes or an hour. Say to him I have about 30 minutes on ?date? and ?time?

With untruthfulness comes guilt. And you owe yourself peace of mind more than the peace of mind of others.

Maybe try to just listen to him vent. And don’t mention your reservations about speaking with him. No confrontation.

I wish you well in figuring out the best approach.

Hi @cymbele
This sounds like a bit of a pickle or at least heading that way. I don't think he should be demanding of your support, I take it you are friends and nothing over these lines. Therefore it sounds to me, that because everyone isn't saying what's on their mind, him and you, it's causing a lot of stress. I think you should be straight with him and set firm boundaries.
Good luck.

Sorry if I am late on my response. From what I have seen of your posts, you are a believer in God. And having time to yourself is important because that is your time with Him. Always put that above everything else.

Wishing everyone a great day

My hope is that there is a non confrontational way to communicate what your personal boundaries are.

It's often easier to communicate about difficult subjects in a written form like email. If you could send him a message that says something like, "I want to support you, but I also need to maintain some personal boundaries for my own well being.", and then work out some limitations on how much and when you spend time with him offering support.

I hope there's a good balance that works for both you and him.

The worst of it is that he just lost his job so he texts me first thing every morning and night because he’s even lonelier than ever. I stopped him from texting me when I am at work. I went out kayaking with new friends last night and although I had told him what I was doing he kept texting me about calling me. I rewrote his resume and although it’s been a few days he hasn’t sent it out to anyone. I went to a concert Sunday that we decided to do in December but I resented paying for lunch,parking and dinner because he is saving for the lean times. And he had no money.
so I have decided to keep on doing what activities that I do and if it doesn’t work out then oh well. All I can do is pray he gets another job.