Grief and others

Recently I have gone through a lot of loss. It feels a little like I am just coming to terms with one thing and another thing happens.

Anyway what I wanted to share, I was sitting in my kitchen having a conversation with my son's dad. My son's having a few anger issues and lashing out. Grief in kids it's not quite like us. They don't quite understand what's making them feel this way. Anyway this stupid man looked at me when I said "Since my mum died we've both been off" and he told me in all seriousness "c'mon it's been three months there's got to be an end to this excuse with your mum. You have to get over it." I wanted to scream at him I wanted him to see I would never be "over" it that death isn't just something that you overcome. I didn't of course I masked myself I let myself breath and told myself he was just being his usual insensitive self and I didn't need to address it. Not if I didn't want to.
So this is for anyone dealing with loss, years ago, months ago or yesterday.
Don't let anyone make you feel like your milking it, like your using it as an excuse to be dramatic or avoid things.
The best description of grief I ever heard was from a close friend. It's a box and in the middle is a button and you're a ball bouncing around. First it's small and that ball is going to hit that button a lot. As time goes on that box is going to get bigger, the button presses are gonna get less frequent but that box and that button will never truly stop.
Be brave. Be you. Don't stop fighting.

thank you

He really is a stupid man! Has he never lost anyone he loved? Does he not even listen to other people? You never get over it; you just get used to it. Thirty years have passed since my baby daughter died, and twenty-five since my father died, and I think about them every day. I feel so ashamed that I didn't get back to see my Dad before he died. He must have wanted to see my face so much. My mum said he was "fading", but my now ex didn't want to be left alone with the kids and said, "You're going back in November for you sister's wedding anyway. He'll make it till then." Of course, he didn't. You'd think time would make it easier, but it's the opposite: as I myself get older I think about it more and more. The weight of the guilt chokes me sometimes.

Usually people will say "I'm sorry for your loss" but I like the Dutch way. All my strength to you. It's never easy with the guilt and the feeling of could have or should have. You aren't alone lovely. Don't forget that.

The way I heard it described was that grief is like being in a pen surrounded by an electric fence. With time, the pen gets bigger and bigger and you bump up against the fence less often, but it hurts just as much when you do.

Same thing, really.

Seems very similar. It never will stop we won't feel the loss any differently to when it first hit us just less frequently.
Which is why you should never let anyone make you feel like it's less than. We all handle it differently and that's okay. Some scream and cry and need to let it out and others like me hide it for those small private moments alone. Neither are wrong and should be respected not made inconvenient.

Honestly, expecting you to be “over it” that quickly, makes it sound like he either has no experience with losing someone, or that he’s a complete sociopath.

I lost my wife eight years ago and my father about five months ago, and I don’t think I will ever be over either. Eventually you reach a new normal and become more functional, but you carry that loss for the rest of your life. I’d have to hold myself back from punching someone right in the face if they ever said something like that about either.

I’m sorry about your mother, and I’m sorry you had to deal with that. It was deeply cruel on top of being ignorant as fuck.