the problem with saying all feelings are valid

When people say "All feelings are valid", what they really mean is that there is no right or wrong way to feel. I agree with that idea 100%. The problem with using the word "valid" is that the definition of that word means "based in fact." Not all feelings are based in fact. In fact they rarely are. I used to say "All feelings are valid" all the time until I realized what I was saying. Now I choose to say "There's no right or wrong way to feel."

Yes, feelings can be based on false beliefs, so these are not valid. But sometimes we don't know about the validity of our beliefs. Life is made up of positive and negative situations. Some lean toward the negative and some the positive. I believe you will feel much better if you try to find the good in life and the good in others. You will be happier if you do.

That's a good way to notice the nuance of feelings and their effects on our beliefs@JDot.

I used to have trouble with the idea that “feelings are not facts.” My objection was that, if I feel bad, then it is definitely a fact that I feel bad! However, the fact that I feel bad is not proof that I am bad or have done bad. In CBT, this is the cognitive distortion of emotional reasoning.

It was an a-ha moment for me to get it that, my feelings are real, but that my tacit assumptions can lead me to invalid (ie, inconsistent with observable states of the world) conclusions.

There is an unfortunate conflation of the senses behind the word “valid.” In the vernacular, validity often means understandable or relatable. It’s the opposite of gaslighting.

In science and logic, valid is the meaning used in your OP, namely consistent with the available evidence. In logic class, we are taught to evaluate an argument as whether it is valid (consistent with observations) and sound (free of cognitive bias or inconsistent logic). The problem with cognitive distortions is they are usually a logical error combined with a cognitive bias. That’s what makes them harder to spot.

Thank you for attending Jack’s pontifications series, episode #394

I would separate them into is this fact based and logic based, or opinion based which can be just about anything? I do agree with the there is no right or wrong way for a person to feel. How they feel and live is up to them, even though it may not be right for myself.

I agree that one sometimes has to be careful about how things are worded, but at the end of the day it’s really just about giving people support and empathy that however they feel is ok. As for the word “valid” I usually mean it more like “validating the person and how they feel” than actually saying the feeling is true or accurate or things like that.

Things like this definitely make it easy to understand why there can often be misunderstandings about things. It can be quite complex navigating feelings, whether they are our own or other peoples. Always best to handle them with as much care and gentleness as possible imo.

This is so important, because it's easy speaking for my own self only here, to come across as patronizing during times of conflict when emotions are riled up. I've also found, oddly, that being too insightful into others' feelings can scare and anger them. At that point communication can become very difficult.

I agree, and I personally do my best to never think that others are being “patronizing” to me if they show me compassion, empathy and understanding about something I’m struggling with.

I don’t get scared or mad at someone for having insight into my feelings, but my theory about why some people are like that about it is that some people just seem to be deeply afraid of being too “seen” if that makes sense. But it is a conflicting thing to feel, because deeper down, we all do naturally want to be seen, so the “anger” they might express is most certainly at themselves far more than at you. Also, it is more likely to be more of a “frustration” than anger, cos they are conflicted and confused about why they wouldn’t be able to simply appreciate someone seeing them and having insight into them more than the average person would.

That happened to me enough times though (having deep insights into people, it seeming to be a thing they didn’t like) that now I simply don’t express those observations. I will usually just try to say something I think will be helpful based on those observations, and if they give a positive response to it, then that will usually confirm that those observations I had were most likely correct. Whatever my observation was about them never actually needs to be known by them, and certainly not said “directly” cos ya, more often than not people don’t tend to appreciate it. It’s very complex navigating people and their feelings, I find it all very fascinating too though.

I agree, help and support and give comfort where you can and decide. Giving to those in need or want is one of the fine things that folks can and often do.

Whether feelings are valid or not is kind of a moot point to me. Feelings are something that happens to a person, and they have no effect on the outside world; actions do.

So try to discover the truth, make sure as best you can that your beliefs are based in it.

Control your actions, make sure that they’re helpful or useful.

Feelings don’t really come into it, and don’t effect anything but your internal state. Feel them because you don’t have much choice, but don’t let them decide your beliefs or control your actions.

They should be caused by, not the cause of, those two.

Your life will be a lot smoother when you allow yourself to feel your feelings rather than suppress them, however “valid” they are.

But act according to your values, not your feelings.