Red Flag 🚩 Toxic Relationship

I’m realizing that I am the issue. Wish I knew how to not allow things to bother me as if I am directly affected by the decisions of others.

In a relationship with someone who has small children and is co-parenting every other week/end.

Custodial parent doesn’t keep the children kempt. They attend school and daycare looking like neglected children. Whilst she keeps herself up.

I have suggested to just take them to beauty/barber school for inexpensive services. The boy’s hair is long and not combed or kept up regularly. It should be cut. The girl’s hair is not maintained regularly but is possibly styled bi-weekly (I assume). I often decline the offer to go out with them in public because it is embarrassing to me to have children looking unkempt.

Children come with only the clothes they are wearing. No backpack, no medicationor EpiPen.

He buys non educational toys every time they are in his care. Then make a special trip to drop toys off with the mother because children are dropped off at school/daycare. Thus new toys for next visit to dad.

Smart kids but not disciplined appropriately IMO.

Why does this bother me?

I feel like I have little respect for him in this area which affects the healthier aspects of our relationship, if any🫣

I am in this relationship so that I am not alone, although I do love him.

I battle with depression and abandonment.

I also recognize that this relationship often has elements of toxicity because of my thinking.

How do I separate my thoughts from his personal choices dealing with his children. It’s really none of my business.


Thanks for practical advice!!!

I'm sorry you're caught up in this. Welcome to sf @Oizys Moros.

I could say many things here, but taking a bigger view on it, I'd best not. These are such serious, deep issues that it'd be better for all concerned if you asked a professional family therapist. I say this because I have a lot of first haand experience with similar things. Legally, at this point you're correct the children are not your concern.

I hope this isn't coming across harshly.

IMO, I don't feel you are the issue in the least for being concerned about the neglectful apperance of these children and what you described would bother me as well.

You made good suggestions to help the situation the best you can already and that is not toxic. It sounds like it could be a matter of a need to reevaluate the relationship with the help of a professional. I will say that it is a slippery slope in that if you mention neglect to a professional they may run with it and contact social services being that they are mandated reporters so just be cognizant of that. That being said, I would still look into the help of a professional and approach it in terms of a need to figure out and process wether the relationship is healthy for you and what to do about misaligned values and their effect. Go by yourself too for starters and then take it from there if need be.

Good luck Oizys!

seabird - Thanks for the welcome.

Harmony - Thank you for validating that I am not the issue, just a concerned individual.

For clarity I am not saying the children ARE neglected just that their grooming practices are insufficient To Me/ My standards.

Surely if the school/daycare perceived neglect, they would act.

Not sure if uncombed hair rises to the degree of social services 🤔

I am trying to figure out how to not be bothered by the different parenting style. And YES YES YES @ “reevaluate the misaligned values.” But then I may be single again 🥺😢

Possibly next encounter I will comb their hair instead of being disgusted to the point that I don’t hang out with them 😂🤣

Maybe that is a start

….. But curious 🧐 👀 to what’s on seabird’s mind regarding original post😉

Curious about which part? If it's concerning minors; then yes, their doctor, plus teachers and others at the school are supposedly obligated to report suspected neglect &/or abuse.

Sorry, I don't know how not to be bothered by stuff. Especially as pertains to ethical stuff, I tend to react pretty strongly.

If the relationship and your partner's children are maybe trggering your issues with abandonment, that's where a good therapist could help, I think?

You stated,

It sounds like there is a part of you that knows this relationship is unhealthy. Maybe you have an easier time acknowledging the unhealthy behaviors when they affect other people vs. you? Is it typical that you will stand up for, or advocate for other people, or notice when other people are being mistreated, but downplay when you are being mistreated?

Maybe it's none of your business how someone else parents their kids but it is your business what capacity they have to care for others in their life, since you are a person in their life. If they are treating their kids this way... how do they treat you?

Part of you is saying, "pay attention!" And I think it has your best interests in mind.

Is it typical that you will stand up for, or advocate for other people, or notice when other people are being mistreated, but downplay when you are being mistreated?

I got teary eyed 🥹 when I read that.
YES my super power is advocating for others. And YES it is true that I allow mistreatment to self.

From therapy I became aware that I lived in guilt and shame - from being molested as a child - from resentment of mother not loving me enough to protect me from the molester - from single parenting barriers, etc.

So I became the voice for others because no one was the voice for me.

I lived over 4 decades every day believing that I deserved all the bad things that happen to me. In many ways I welcomed them. Prayed for death but it never came OBVI

Although now I have self-awareness, I still have the residue, the stench of my trauma. And it lingers.

That venting seems off topic but your [rhetorical] question uprooted some WHYs of my reaction in this situation.

I have dried my eyes.
Thank you for giving me a safe space to vent. I appreciate you!!!!