I have posted about this briefly yesterday
I want to talk about it more because I feel like I am having an anxiety attack
It sucks so bad though
I know life will not end if I don't go the college that I really want to go
And it's so sad , ( I am not suicidal) but I feel like not completely but to a little extent , like to a step closer from where I was
I could now understand why students commit suicide if they don't pass that exam or whatever
That is sad
I feel a lot of pressure and the worst thing about this is it is enforced on me by myself
I really don't want to disappoint myself
I am also super bad with adjusting. So if I won't build myself the life I want , I wouldn't be able to force myself
So that's a good thing ? I should use that as a motivation ?
Anxiety freezes you. Studying abroad is really expensive. I made the complete budget today
I am not complaining ,
I am just really anxious.
Scholarships and everything. I will look out for them
Maybe I would have looked out at some if I didn't got this anxiety attack
I haven't told my parents yet
I want to tell them once I actually secure a place or a little before that.
I also obviously want to have backup options , as in backup colleges
I am scared of their reaction
I actually don't have a passport
There was a movie that came in 2023 and it was about how many Indians immigrated to united Kingdom illegally in search of a better future and what did they faced
I am not and I will not do anything illegal obviously but listen to me
My uncle , we are financially dependant upon him , long story
So , I hope he will not fund my college fees because I have seen him being very money minded and he will give you the taunt in one way or other at some point of time that he invested money on you etc
I really want that he will not come in between my funds
A huge chance is he will and the fucking non sensical ( cause you can't have logical with these people ) arguments
So , my uncle watched that film and he really loved it. He is also paranoid in a lot of ways
I am thinking if my mom would even agree , I hope he won't come in between to say something.
Now , if I do end up securing a place I will do everything that I can to obviously not let anyone decide it for me because I would earn that place
But I am scared nonetheless
Time does feel scarce
Other than this , thinking about that movie is giving me anxiety
Like what if you get alienated when you go outside your country
I know the world isn't all a bad place ! Also I personally think gen z 's are super smart and sweet
However still the anxiety is there
I also saw an headline some months before
That was something like " Indian students , think before you decide to study abroad in hopes for a better future "
I have not read that thing
Overall I am just really scared
If I decide to study here ( in my country ) my uncle would pay me a visit every month
Because that's what he do with my brother , even worse if he will force to fund my college fees
I just feel trapped
I know there are ways out but my mind is constantly telling me that I will fail all my attempts
I also don't want to study much but I mean if I want to go into the colleges ( all that are in my mind ) I would have to study
I can barely keep up with other things and my school ' s syllabus
They say 12 th is really hard
Fuck it , I just feel like everything is going wrong
I am doing it all wrong
And I also feel when I get anxious , I lose a lot of time or sometimes I get anxious deliberately so I can lose time so I can avoid responsibility
Idk everything feels like a mess
Being rich is really a privilege I guess lol ( no hate if you're rich , genuinely happy for you )
I want to talk about it more because I feel like I am having an anxiety attack
It sucks so bad though
I know life will not end if I don't go the college that I really want to go
And it's so sad , ( I am not suicidal) but I feel like not completely but to a little extent , like to a step closer from where I was
I could now understand why students commit suicide if they don't pass that exam or whatever
That is sad
I feel a lot of pressure and the worst thing about this is it is enforced on me by myself
I really don't want to disappoint myself
I am also super bad with adjusting. So if I won't build myself the life I want , I wouldn't be able to force myself
So that's a good thing ? I should use that as a motivation ?
Anxiety freezes you. Studying abroad is really expensive. I made the complete budget today
I am not complaining ,
I am just really anxious.
Scholarships and everything. I will look out for them
Maybe I would have looked out at some if I didn't got this anxiety attack
I haven't told my parents yet
I want to tell them once I actually secure a place or a little before that.
I also obviously want to have backup options , as in backup colleges
I am scared of their reaction
I actually don't have a passport
There was a movie that came in 2023 and it was about how many Indians immigrated to united Kingdom illegally in search of a better future and what did they faced
I am not and I will not do anything illegal obviously but listen to me
My uncle , we are financially dependant upon him , long story
So , I hope he will not fund my college fees because I have seen him being very money minded and he will give you the taunt in one way or other at some point of time that he invested money on you etc
I really want that he will not come in between my funds
A huge chance is he will and the fucking non sensical ( cause you can't have logical with these people ) arguments
So , my uncle watched that film and he really loved it. He is also paranoid in a lot of ways
I am thinking if my mom would even agree , I hope he won't come in between to say something.
Now , if I do end up securing a place I will do everything that I can to obviously not let anyone decide it for me because I would earn that place
But I am scared nonetheless
Time does feel scarce
Other than this , thinking about that movie is giving me anxiety
Like what if you get alienated when you go outside your country
I know the world isn't all a bad place ! Also I personally think gen z 's are super smart and sweet
However still the anxiety is there
I also saw an headline some months before
That was something like " Indian students , think before you decide to study abroad in hopes for a better future "
I have not read that thing
Overall I am just really scared
If I decide to study here ( in my country ) my uncle would pay me a visit every month
Because that's what he do with my brother , even worse if he will force to fund my college fees
I just feel trapped
I know there are ways out but my mind is constantly telling me that I will fail all my attempts
I also don't want to study much but I mean if I want to go into the colleges ( all that are in my mind ) I would have to study
I can barely keep up with other things and my school ' s syllabus
They say 12 th is really hard
Fuck it , I just feel like everything is going wrong
I am doing it all wrong
And I also feel when I get anxious , I lose a lot of time or sometimes I get anxious deliberately so I can lose time so I can avoid responsibility
Idk everything feels like a mess
Being rich is really a privilege I guess lol ( no hate if you're rich , genuinely happy for you )
