Empathy and Advice Welcomed My pet's anxiety is really getting to me.

I think in a way you're right. Pets, especially dogs, tend to be very good at picking up on our emotions. I'm not sure if it's a pheromone thing, or environmental, or just because they're uniquely fixated on our behavioural patterns, but they do. So i would suspect that your dog is picking up on the fact that you're very agitated and anxious yourself, so she doesn't know what exactly, but that there's something to be afraid of.

In a way this can be a constructive thing, because it means the best thing you can do for your dog's health is to practice caring for yourself, and being kind towards yourself. It gives you an external motivation to approach yourself with empathy, which i think is needed for everyone's sake here. Your dog is just expressing empathy with how you're feeling, for better or worse she goes through everything with you, because she still loves you, even now. If she's feeling awful, it's because you feel awful. Beating yourself up because "i'm making my dog suffer" doesn't help anyone, it just creates a neverending spiral.

I read your thread explaining what you did, although i didn't respond because i didn't have any insight to offer at the time. And it sounds like there may be some kind of impulse there to sabotage your own happiness and wellbeing. Something like that, it keeps on happening until you identify the root cause of the impulse and resolve it. So if you can try to be kind towards yourself, it'll help you do better, it'll help your dog calm down, and it'll be better for your wife, because it means you can come to her with an understanding of why you did this, and realistic prospects for why you may be able to stop being that guy.

You're human, and you made a very human mistake. Self-flagellation isn't the solution to that, making steps to earnestly make amends and do better is. And counter-intuitively, the first step is to try and forgive yourself. Not saying it's ok, not pretending you did no harm, just forgiving yourself for screwing up, and resolving to improve instead of wallow.

Your comment means so much to me. I cried when I read it, then cried again just now re-reading it, so thank you.

I could never pretend I did no harm or that it's okay- in a way I'm scared I'll torture myself to death over everything I've done wrong. But you're so right about identifying the root cause, and working on myself until I can be a safe person again.

Thank you, again.

I wonder if your wife could take your dog some of the time, or if that would end up being too upsetting for her.

Would you be able to stay with your wife for maybe a few days a month?

(there's another dog there/too small) and I don't think our dog would do well with shared custody

The thing I've heard is that if you introduce dogs to each other on neutral territory, and they get along, they'll usually still get along if the new dog is brought into the home. I'm not sure if that would work, but maybe.

It might also be that your dog is too attached to you to tolerate being away.

A way to deal with the shame and guilt of knowing she's going to be sad for a bit, but in the long run okay? I hope? I cannot bare the thought of her being sad forever.

Could you get couples counseling, but maybe with a goal of parting on good terms rather than getting back together? I think there are also some couples counseling phone apps that members here have recommended.

It's good that you care about her. I hope she knows that.

Dogwise and having worked at a dog daycare where ex's share custody---don't. It's stressful on the dog to change locations, people, and routines. Logistically, it gets complicated and uncomfortable.

Speaking to your dog's state of mind, likely they are picking up on recent events and getting anxious. However, your dog will always love you unconditionally. That's what makes them so great. You are her home, not whatever building or lack thereof you live in. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other so to speak. You got this.