I remember, in summer about two years ago I had to go to the psych ward because I made an attempt again. It was bad. One of the lowest points in my life. I swore to my therapist I'd kill myself the second I got out. Not much happened the first couple weeks. I started to get familiar with the other kids there and went to multiple different therapy groups or whatever they're called. They gave me the most generic advice you could ever imagine. Didn't help of course.
After the first month or so a boy showed up. His name was Sam. We got really close and ended up in a relationship. One day he came into my room and showed me something he smuggled in. It was a HHC-vape (HHC is basically weed made in a lab to be way more potent with some horrendous side effects). He offered me a hit. I took it, made a really long inhale and kept it in for a solid 20 seconds. Not even a minute later I started tripping absolute balls. I can't describe it but it was more traumatic than anything I ever went through.
Idk why, but I bought one of the things a couple days later. I was way more careful that time, took only little hits and kept them in for 5 seconds max. Seriously, I felt so much better than I ever did my whole life then. Again, I can't describe it but it was so fucking good. I forgot about everything. All my trauma, my feelings, my problems and everything I hated so much about life. I was hooked.
For the next couple months, the only thing I really did was smoke these things. I didn't go to school, talk to my friends, nothing. And whenever I ran out, I'd go into the city and beg people for money the whole day till I had enough to buy another vape. It was pathetic. But it was the only thing that kept me from killing myself.
Well, that went on for the rest of the year, I didn't go to my finals and now I have two years of school wasted (Barely did anything this year either cuz I feel like shit). And during that time I started to realize I was hallucinating again. Not like that fucking nightmare I had in summer, it was gradual. Sneaking itself in more and more every day. But I couldn't be bothered to care. It felt too good.
After about a full year of constantly being on that shit I ran out again. As always. But I was mentally so down in the gutter that I couldn't run into the city and beg for money like usual. But there was this one girl in my group home and I knew she always had something with her. She showed me what it was, said it was some rare strain way more potent than HHC and I took the opportunity. I died that day. I know that sounds absolutely stupid but that's the only way I can describe what happened to me after I took a couple hits. My whole world was nothing but moving shapes, irritating colors, feelings I could never explain and millions of eyes staring into my soul. I had to go to the ER. I don't remember much, just that I was crying and screaming the whole rest of the day.
And because I'm a self destructive idiot that doesn't give a fuck what happens to him I brought another vape a few days later. But that was the last time. It just made the hallucinations worse.
I think it's been a year since I touched anything but the hallucinations from that final trip I had are still there. And it feels like It's been like this my entire life. Ever since this started I barely feel anything. Not with my body or with my heart. It's just nothing. I wish I could put this into words but I can't describe how dead inside I feel.
I've had depression all my life and to be honest, I really miss it. Feeling nothing is so much worse than being miserable. I even stopped cutting myself, not because I want to but because I can't feel the need to do it, which I fucking hate because it's my only coping mechanism.
I just wish I would feel something. Anything. Anger, pain, happiness, I don't fucking care. I don't want to have these weird glimmers of emotion I keep getting. I wanna have actual feelings. I wanna scream my fucking lungs out, cry till I can't see, laugh till I can't breathe and do stupid shit like I used to. I just wanna feel alive.
I know this emptiness partly comes from the shitty antipsychotics my doctor prescribed me and I've definitely been feeling a little more since I stopped taking them three or four days ago, but that in turn makes the hallucinations worse. But my only two choices are likely going insane and at least feeling a little bit or just being completely numb for God knows how long. And I honestly prefer the former.
I don't expect a lot of people to see this, and even less to care but I'd really appreciate any comment. I just need something to help me get through this hell.
Thanks for reading.
After the first month or so a boy showed up. His name was Sam. We got really close and ended up in a relationship. One day he came into my room and showed me something he smuggled in. It was a HHC-vape (HHC is basically weed made in a lab to be way more potent with some horrendous side effects). He offered me a hit. I took it, made a really long inhale and kept it in for a solid 20 seconds. Not even a minute later I started tripping absolute balls. I can't describe it but it was more traumatic than anything I ever went through.
Idk why, but I bought one of the things a couple days later. I was way more careful that time, took only little hits and kept them in for 5 seconds max. Seriously, I felt so much better than I ever did my whole life then. Again, I can't describe it but it was so fucking good. I forgot about everything. All my trauma, my feelings, my problems and everything I hated so much about life. I was hooked.
For the next couple months, the only thing I really did was smoke these things. I didn't go to school, talk to my friends, nothing. And whenever I ran out, I'd go into the city and beg people for money the whole day till I had enough to buy another vape. It was pathetic. But it was the only thing that kept me from killing myself.
Well, that went on for the rest of the year, I didn't go to my finals and now I have two years of school wasted (Barely did anything this year either cuz I feel like shit). And during that time I started to realize I was hallucinating again. Not like that fucking nightmare I had in summer, it was gradual. Sneaking itself in more and more every day. But I couldn't be bothered to care. It felt too good.
After about a full year of constantly being on that shit I ran out again. As always. But I was mentally so down in the gutter that I couldn't run into the city and beg for money like usual. But there was this one girl in my group home and I knew she always had something with her. She showed me what it was, said it was some rare strain way more potent than HHC and I took the opportunity. I died that day. I know that sounds absolutely stupid but that's the only way I can describe what happened to me after I took a couple hits. My whole world was nothing but moving shapes, irritating colors, feelings I could never explain and millions of eyes staring into my soul. I had to go to the ER. I don't remember much, just that I was crying and screaming the whole rest of the day.
And because I'm a self destructive idiot that doesn't give a fuck what happens to him I brought another vape a few days later. But that was the last time. It just made the hallucinations worse.
I think it's been a year since I touched anything but the hallucinations from that final trip I had are still there. And it feels like It's been like this my entire life. Ever since this started I barely feel anything. Not with my body or with my heart. It's just nothing. I wish I could put this into words but I can't describe how dead inside I feel.
I've had depression all my life and to be honest, I really miss it. Feeling nothing is so much worse than being miserable. I even stopped cutting myself, not because I want to but because I can't feel the need to do it, which I fucking hate because it's my only coping mechanism.
I just wish I would feel something. Anything. Anger, pain, happiness, I don't fucking care. I don't want to have these weird glimmers of emotion I keep getting. I wanna have actual feelings. I wanna scream my fucking lungs out, cry till I can't see, laugh till I can't breathe and do stupid shit like I used to. I just wanna feel alive.
I know this emptiness partly comes from the shitty antipsychotics my doctor prescribed me and I've definitely been feeling a little more since I stopped taking them three or four days ago, but that in turn makes the hallucinations worse. But my only two choices are likely going insane and at least feeling a little bit or just being completely numb for God knows how long. And I honestly prefer the former.
I don't expect a lot of people to see this, and even less to care but I'd really appreciate any comment. I just need something to help me get through this hell.
Thanks for reading.
