I kind of feel like I have to write about this, and I’m interested in feedback, even if it’s just “ewwww, you’re a deviant!!” TW because slightly graphic
Yeah, so I have no memories of ever being a child and being touched inappropriately, as in an adult making any kind of incursion on my intimate areas. Which is not to say that I was never sexually harassed or touched in a way that felt icky, though, but I don’t consider that abuse so much as an adult probing my boundaries.
The harassment came when I was 14 and working on a construction site. I liked the attention, tbh, but in hindsight I don’t think it was appropriate for someone mid-late 20s to graphically describe what they would do to me in a camping trip given the age and size difference. There were also cat-calls, which were scary, but I figured it was just part of the
Physical labor just seems to be done by guys who are rough around the edges, and since I was pretty clearly gay, the interest of a guy with 16” biceps and washboard abs was not entirely unwelcome. Does that make me kind of weird or creepy? That’s a big fear of mine.
Nonetheless I have certain behavioral problems that multiple therapists over the years have asked me point blank if this has happened. I ask why they think that and the response is that the fears and behaviors that I have around sex are characteristics of an abuse survivor. Complicating this is the therapist I saw for my addiction issues said there is such a thing as “covert” abuse which is intimidating behavior or speech that has certain overtones. According to him what I talked about re: certain church authorities was covert abuse. Whatever.
So I feel really conflicted because it keeps coming up. I wonder if I should even be concerned, or should I just focus on my weird feelings and behaviors instead. It’s really the decisions I make in the present that I need to address, regardless of the origin story. IDK I feel like I have been keeping a secret and I wanted to get it out in a safe place.
The harassment came when I was 14 and working on a construction site. I liked the attention, tbh, but in hindsight I don’t think it was appropriate for someone mid-late 20s to graphically describe what they would do to me in a camping trip given the age and size difference. There were also cat-calls, which were scary, but I figured it was just part of the
Physical labor just seems to be done by guys who are rough around the edges, and since I was pretty clearly gay, the interest of a guy with 16” biceps and washboard abs was not entirely unwelcome. Does that make me kind of weird or creepy? That’s a big fear of mine.
Nonetheless I have certain behavioral problems that multiple therapists over the years have asked me point blank if this has happened. I ask why they think that and the response is that the fears and behaviors that I have around sex are characteristics of an abuse survivor. Complicating this is the therapist I saw for my addiction issues said there is such a thing as “covert” abuse which is intimidating behavior or speech that has certain overtones. According to him what I talked about re: certain church authorities was covert abuse. Whatever.
So I feel really conflicted because it keeps coming up. I wonder if I should even be concerned, or should I just focus on my weird feelings and behaviors instead. It’s really the decisions I make in the present that I need to address, regardless of the origin story. IDK I feel like I have been keeping a secret and I wanted to get it out in a safe place.
