A few months ago i moved schools and wanted to make friends. In my first lesson a group of girls invited me to hang out with them as one of them knew a girl from my old school. I immediately seized the opportunity and i saw this a lucky situation especially as one girl who was a part of their friend group was in almost all of my classes. I thought it was a great opportunity to make friends and find my people. I had always struggled with making friends so there was no surprise that i had a few embarrassing social fails and although i initially beat myself up about it whenever these happened i now realise it was basically bound to happen with me being me. I thought it would be easier to make friends with these girls because they were a part of the “weird girls” friend group so i could fit in easier.
I knew that if i had to make long lasting friendships i would have to be myself so i was enthusiastic and said hi every time i went up to talk to them but often nobody replied which i found strange and upsetting. The energy i brought to conversations was often dismissed so i toned down my personality, eventually because i wanted to fit in with this group so badly. This made things very difficult because i really struggle with knowing when to join a conversation so having to focus on that too made things worse. They would often do this thing where they would talk to me normally every other day and then pick random days to ignore me, which was very confusing, often leading me to panic and worry that they hated me.
It seems like the two girls (there were three but the main two talked to me the most) i talked to on the first day were very fake people and then the two main girls i sat on the table with were simply as uninviting as they possibly could have been. I remember standing outside on my first week of school there as they talked to each other, trying so hard to see where i could join in but i couldn’t hear them properly and once i could it was a conversation topic that i had absolutely no way to join( about one girls supposed uncle and both their grandmothers, except i’ve never met mine so i didn’t know what to add) so i just ended up standing there in complete silence in the cold.
Skip to recently, the friend group seemingly always had this weird group rotation thing where the main people on the table will stay put but people from other associated groups with come and sit at the table for a few weeks(i hate it so much it makes me sick, made everything much harder i can tell you that) and the group has the most people it has ever had before and some people who i have never seen sit there before. I stupidly thought “ this is a great opportunity to make friends “ and on the second day of the table being like this one of the girls did talk to me so i had hope. But then days pass and i’m so burnt out from trying to look for spots in the conversation that i can join in with (knowing full well it won’t work) that i genuinely can’t bring myself to join the convo bcs if i do the reaction is either a tame but normal response or a “um actually what you said made absolutely no sense” or i accidentally talk over somebody. The success rate was so low i was demotivated from talking and even if i did succeed there wasn’t much of a reward and i couldn’t keep my spot in my conversation. So i would basically waste my energy overthinking a 5 second response for no reason which made me super exhausted at the end of the the day that i couldn’t do anything when i got home. And then since i can’t bring myself to speak anymore people got used to my behaviour and started ignoring me. They would begin say these insides joke i never understood and barely explain when i asked, and then they’d talk over me whenever i tried to speak which really told me i had no chance.
Now obviously i was upset about this but it wasn’t my fault. They had sent a clear message they i did not belong there. They would always go on about these group chats which they never invited me to and i was to afraid to ask in fear that i would be crossing boundaries of some kind so simply i didn’t. When i acted like myself they sent the message that they didn’t like it so i stopped being myself. Whenever i spoke and tried to engage in conversation, they sent the message that they weren’t listening unless i was making a mistake, so i stopped talking and now look where we’re at. I think what i’m trying to say is, they never tried. I had to do everything to squeeze myself into that group, only to be completely rejected in the end, finally letting go of the beleif that “someday” i would fit in just fine, “someday” they would like me because it wasn’t even slightly true.
And here comes the most important part of my realisation. A month before we broke up for the holidays, a new girl came to school and the three girls from my first class behaved like they were exited. One girl was planning that she would sit next to her and were overall acting really eager to meet her. When she came in they said hi to her and introduced her to “the gang” (the friend group) and as they were doing so they left me out. It was absolutely soul crushing. I wanted to make friends with her too but they didn’t even introduce me to her and i had been anticipating for my name to be mentioned only for my existence to be ignored. Then in another lesson they were eager again, once again talking about they’d sit next to her. Then when she came in, the new girl chose to sit at the back of the classroom alone. They said nothing, not one glance in her direction and continued talking about some gossip. They did not see her as a potential friend. They saw her as a prop, a disposable one at that, just like how they saw me. At the time i was super worried that they might replace me with her, but that was completely irrational as i never had a place in the friend group which should have been clear to me as early on as the second day of school there when they chose to completely ignore me as i was trying to talk to them. I feel as though i was set up in a way. I already struggled with making friends yet, i was put in the classes with the most careless people and expected to thrive and when i did not, i had to pay the repercussions of their ignorance whilst i was never once given a helping hand.
And before anyone asks, although i would like to make friends with the new girl i am a very shy person and have no idea how to approach people so i probably wouldn’t actually do it and most importantly i figure i should leave her alone because it doesn’t seem like she wants to make close friends. She is also barely in lessons for whatever reason and i have only seen her at break and lunchtime twice. I heard she did go to my old school for a while before coming here so that could be a conversation topic if i were to talk to her but either way from that information it seems like she must move around a lot, and chances are that she could have moved schools by the time we get back to school after the holidays. In fact, she might have already left the school for all i know, so no hope there. But anyways, i think there is some peace in realising it is not my fault, and that if i had been given a choice i wouldn’t have chosen to be in their classes. Even though i’m still going to have to deal with this for like a year and a half, it makes me feel better actually understanding my situation.
I knew that if i had to make long lasting friendships i would have to be myself so i was enthusiastic and said hi every time i went up to talk to them but often nobody replied which i found strange and upsetting. The energy i brought to conversations was often dismissed so i toned down my personality, eventually because i wanted to fit in with this group so badly. This made things very difficult because i really struggle with knowing when to join a conversation so having to focus on that too made things worse. They would often do this thing where they would talk to me normally every other day and then pick random days to ignore me, which was very confusing, often leading me to panic and worry that they hated me.
It seems like the two girls (there were three but the main two talked to me the most) i talked to on the first day were very fake people and then the two main girls i sat on the table with were simply as uninviting as they possibly could have been. I remember standing outside on my first week of school there as they talked to each other, trying so hard to see where i could join in but i couldn’t hear them properly and once i could it was a conversation topic that i had absolutely no way to join( about one girls supposed uncle and both their grandmothers, except i’ve never met mine so i didn’t know what to add) so i just ended up standing there in complete silence in the cold.
Skip to recently, the friend group seemingly always had this weird group rotation thing where the main people on the table will stay put but people from other associated groups with come and sit at the table for a few weeks(i hate it so much it makes me sick, made everything much harder i can tell you that) and the group has the most people it has ever had before and some people who i have never seen sit there before. I stupidly thought “ this is a great opportunity to make friends “ and on the second day of the table being like this one of the girls did talk to me so i had hope. But then days pass and i’m so burnt out from trying to look for spots in the conversation that i can join in with (knowing full well it won’t work) that i genuinely can’t bring myself to join the convo bcs if i do the reaction is either a tame but normal response or a “um actually what you said made absolutely no sense” or i accidentally talk over somebody. The success rate was so low i was demotivated from talking and even if i did succeed there wasn’t much of a reward and i couldn’t keep my spot in my conversation. So i would basically waste my energy overthinking a 5 second response for no reason which made me super exhausted at the end of the the day that i couldn’t do anything when i got home. And then since i can’t bring myself to speak anymore people got used to my behaviour and started ignoring me. They would begin say these insides joke i never understood and barely explain when i asked, and then they’d talk over me whenever i tried to speak which really told me i had no chance.
Now obviously i was upset about this but it wasn’t my fault. They had sent a clear message they i did not belong there. They would always go on about these group chats which they never invited me to and i was to afraid to ask in fear that i would be crossing boundaries of some kind so simply i didn’t. When i acted like myself they sent the message that they didn’t like it so i stopped being myself. Whenever i spoke and tried to engage in conversation, they sent the message that they weren’t listening unless i was making a mistake, so i stopped talking and now look where we’re at. I think what i’m trying to say is, they never tried. I had to do everything to squeeze myself into that group, only to be completely rejected in the end, finally letting go of the beleif that “someday” i would fit in just fine, “someday” they would like me because it wasn’t even slightly true.
And here comes the most important part of my realisation. A month before we broke up for the holidays, a new girl came to school and the three girls from my first class behaved like they were exited. One girl was planning that she would sit next to her and were overall acting really eager to meet her. When she came in they said hi to her and introduced her to “the gang” (the friend group) and as they were doing so they left me out. It was absolutely soul crushing. I wanted to make friends with her too but they didn’t even introduce me to her and i had been anticipating for my name to be mentioned only for my existence to be ignored. Then in another lesson they were eager again, once again talking about they’d sit next to her. Then when she came in, the new girl chose to sit at the back of the classroom alone. They said nothing, not one glance in her direction and continued talking about some gossip. They did not see her as a potential friend. They saw her as a prop, a disposable one at that, just like how they saw me. At the time i was super worried that they might replace me with her, but that was completely irrational as i never had a place in the friend group which should have been clear to me as early on as the second day of school there when they chose to completely ignore me as i was trying to talk to them. I feel as though i was set up in a way. I already struggled with making friends yet, i was put in the classes with the most careless people and expected to thrive and when i did not, i had to pay the repercussions of their ignorance whilst i was never once given a helping hand.
And before anyone asks, although i would like to make friends with the new girl i am a very shy person and have no idea how to approach people so i probably wouldn’t actually do it and most importantly i figure i should leave her alone because it doesn’t seem like she wants to make close friends. She is also barely in lessons for whatever reason and i have only seen her at break and lunchtime twice. I heard she did go to my old school for a while before coming here so that could be a conversation topic if i were to talk to her but either way from that information it seems like she must move around a lot, and chances are that she could have moved schools by the time we get back to school after the holidays. In fact, she might have already left the school for all i know, so no hope there. But anyways, i think there is some peace in realising it is not my fault, and that if i had been given a choice i wouldn’t have chosen to be in their classes. Even though i’m still going to have to deal with this for like a year and a half, it makes me feel better actually understanding my situation.
